Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2922950 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15675 on: December 20, 2019, 08:48:07 PM »
Tsunami: The T is silent

Honest: The H is silent

Island: The S is silent

Queue: The ueue is silent

My Jokes: Everyone is silent
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15676 on: December 20, 2019, 09:13:31 PM »
Tsunami: The T is silent

Bollocks.  You're saying it wrong.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15677 on: December 20, 2019, 09:36:07 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15678 on: December 20, 2019, 11:15:55 PM »
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Some people say there’s no difference but there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!

And if you marry a wife who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15679 on: December 21, 2019, 03:16:38 AM »
Whoever named the irrational fear of long words didn't have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15680 on: December 21, 2019, 03:17:27 AM »
Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed.

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15681 on: December 21, 2019, 03:21:10 AM »
Earthquake hits Mexico - 3000 were killed...

...Canada sent money, Brazil sent food, Trump sent 3000 replacement Mexicans.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15682 on: December 21, 2019, 03:49:57 AM »
Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15683 on: December 21, 2019, 04:00:24 AM »
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after saying a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked if anyone could speak french.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15684 on: December 21, 2019, 04:04:31 AM »
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"


! probably have osteoporosis.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15685 on: December 21, 2019, 04:55:27 AM »
Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words
But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter


Of course you can.

 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15686 on: December 21, 2019, 05:01:41 AM »
Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed.

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

Tōkyō has always been covered by fish and seaweed.  On sale at convienient stores everywhere.

The difference between Japanese convenience stores and Australian ones is that Japanese ones sell stuff at normal prices.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15687 on: December 21, 2019, 07:08:21 AM »
... and from coin operated machines as well!  :rofl :thumbsup
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15688 on: December 21, 2019, 07:20:10 AM »
There was a vending machine near my house in Setagaya that started dispensing two or three items when you bought one.  The second can fell on my hand as I was retrieving the second and it hurt like hell.  After that I always bought stuff there.  Whoever operated it cottoned on and eventually turned the power to it off.  I used to walk home at 4:00am in the morning in those days and saw it unplugged, so plugged it in bought one product, got three, unplugged and continued on.  I did this daiily until it ran out of product.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15689 on: December 21, 2019, 07:23:08 AM »
Here's a google street view of my house of of 1992-1993 in Setagaya.  It's since been demolished.  This vending machine wasn't the offending one.

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15690 on: December 21, 2019, 10:46:22 AM »
There must be something wrong with my clothes dryer..

I threw six socks in, and got six socks back.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15691 on: December 21, 2019, 10:51:35 AM »
My Laundry schedule.


Load the washer: 5 minutes

Wash cycle: 30 minutes

Return to remove clothes from washer and put into the dryer: 5 minutes

Dryer cycle: 50 minutes

Remove clothes from the dryer: 5 minutes

Fold neatly and put clothes away: 7-10 business days


You see, there are 2 types of people in the world.

Those who don't immediately fold their clothes taken out of the dryer  ...

...and women.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2019, 11:01:49 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15692 on: December 21, 2019, 10:55:13 AM »
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different size and possibly species, and a blond nylon wig that was placed in a tumble dryer for 30 minutes on the hottest setting. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Increasing the resolution of the picture we see:
Wearing the ceremonial blonde wig and a traditional black outfit with white stockings and with white shirt hanging out the back as though he has only just woken up, the British Prime Minister strides up to the main gates of the EU Council complex in Brussels. The main gates of the complex are shining brightly with gold leaf in the afternoon sun. The EU Council complex sprawls over 95% of the ancient city of Brussels and is resplendent from its pre-occupation renovation; just one of 32 city sized EU Council complexes, one for each of the member states of the Greater Federal European Union, which are occupied for 6 months once every 16 years. The British Prime Minister carries a large black stick and a scroll tied with a red ribbon. The Prime Minister bangs hard on the gates three times which then swing open to reveal the President of the European Commission, the European Union's Chief Negotiator for the United Kingdom Exiting the European Union and the President of the European Council all wearing their formal and expensively tailored Three Wise Men outfits. The British Prime Minister hands over the scroll, an unsigned letter, requesting an extension to the Brexit deadline for another six months. The Three Wise Men consider the letter carefully and then announce that they will only grant an extension if there is a good reason for it, whereupon they ask the PM for the reason for an extension. The PM formally shrugs his shoulders and says that he doesn’t think there is a good reason. The Three Wise Men consider this carefully and then grant an extension for a further 6 months. The crowd of onlookers from around the globe cheer loudly and have a great laugh. The crowds of tourists then go and buy food and drink and commemorative presents for their relatives and friends back home. The income from this goes some small way towards offsetting the colossal expense of moving the EU council to a new location every 6 months.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15693 on: December 21, 2019, 04:24:57 PM »
After the Doc gave his diagnosis, the blonde asked:
"Why do I have to go to New Zealand?"

The Doc replied: "No no no... I didn't say you have to 'cross the ditch', I said that you have the Pox, bitch!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15694 on: December 21, 2019, 05:56:46 PM »
Talk about annoying!,,, some retard accented telemarketer just called me offering yada yada yada amounts of data for my mobile phone.
THEN he refused to believe that I do not have, or use, any data on my phone, despite me telling him that the phone is almost 20 years old.
I finally had to scream in his ear "IT'S A VERY BASIC FREAKING PHONE! - RING RING HELLO! - TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE!"

I do not have or use any apps because I have no connection to internet via phone  I use for it to call and speak to people.

I got heartily sick of this guy reading from his script trying to talk over the top of my arguments, and then he had the hide to ask for credit card information? (I don't have a credit card), so just to annoy him, I told him it was a visa card, number rah rah rah (off the top of my head), and then he asked for the password which I said was 'Far_Q_Moronicus'. He thanked me and finally hung up. :|||| Have fun with that one, dimwit.

The phone has rung another 4 times (ignored) while typing this post. :angry-old-man-smiley-emoticon
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15695 on: December 21, 2019, 08:45:47 PM »
When I was a kid, my parents had me brainwashed into believing in Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.

I no longer believe in any of that mythical bullshit anymore, thank God!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15696 on: December 21, 2019, 08:55:30 PM »
My wife shouted at me...
"You're so useless! You never tidy up or help with the housework, you're lazy and stupid and I bet you don't even know how to keep a house tidy!"

I decided to prove her wrong, so I did the washing up.
Ha! .. You should have seen her face when I showed her I knew how to load the dishes into the tumble dryer...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15697 on: December 21, 2019, 09:47:16 PM »
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry
And comes out wet
It comes out dripping
And starts to sag
Its not what you think......

Its a Teabag.

Now, get your mind out of the gutter....
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15698 on: December 21, 2019, 10:00:43 PM »
Yesterday, I was so depressed that I spent the entire day listening to Celine Dion records.

Or that's what I thought, until I realised the cat had fallen in to the washing machine.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15699 on: December 21, 2019, 11:18:09 PM »
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.
The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts... "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing..... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you.”
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