Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3110237 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13850 on:** September 08, 2019, 07:50:01 PM »

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck...

So I cancelled my order of dumplings.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13851 on:** September 08, 2019, 07:57:03 PM »

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying, "If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.
If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick.
If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer.
If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?"
The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

Hi Bodø! ... Just a joke mate, no offence meant!

Bodø · « **Reply #13852 on:** September 08, 2019, 08:22:20 PM »

None taken.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13853 on:** September 08, 2019, 10:21:34 PM »

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay...

...for the 3rd time this week.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13854 on:** September 09, 2019, 04:35:23 AM »

A young lady from my office just sent me an email saying:

"ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

Bodø · « **Reply #13855 on:** September 09, 2019, 04:44:03 AM »

She just nneds some space.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13856 on:** September 09, 2019, 06:52:15 AM »

... and that's not all she's gonna get...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13857 on:** September 09, 2019, 10:10:55 AM »

I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.
During sex, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and my eyes stream.

The symptoms turned so bad I had to consult a doctor.

Today he called me with the lab results of my tests.

Seems that I am terribly allergic to capsicum spray.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13858 on:** September 09, 2019, 10:15:44 AM »

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13859 on:** September 09, 2019, 12:35:36 PM »

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13860 on:** September 09, 2019, 12:46:29 PM »

Chuck Norris once broke the law.

It still isn’t fixed.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13861 on:** September 09, 2019, 12:57:54 PM »

What is the origin of the question mark?

Chuck Norris punched an exclamation mark in the face.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13862 on:** September 09, 2019, 02:16:45 PM »

Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

They are now known as King Kong, Moby Dick, and Godzilla.

Bodø · « **Reply #13863 on:** September 09, 2019, 02:33:48 PM »

Moby dick isn't a fish.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13864 on:** September 09, 2019, 02:46:24 PM »

And Chuck Norris jokes are all bullshit.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13865 on:** September 09, 2019, 02:50:40 PM »

If coal is so bad for the environment, why don’t we just burn it all.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13866 on:** September 09, 2019, 02:55:48 PM »

George Pell visited a town famous for exporting coal...

He wandered around for an hour or so, but left disappointed,
as he couldn't find all the minors he had heard about.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13867 on:** September 09, 2019, 03:44:10 PM »

More bad news for the coal industry.

Hundreds of minors out of work since the arrest of Jeffery Epstein.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13868 on:** September 09, 2019, 03:45:44 PM »

Bought some extra sensitive toothpaste the other day...

It got really jealous when I used a different toothpaste this morning

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13869 on:** September 09, 2019, 11:56:39 PM »

Dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.

I learned that many moons ago.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13870 on:** September 10, 2019, 12:02:47 AM »

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...
"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13871 on:** September 10, 2019, 12:39:21 AM »

Woolworths opened a new high-tech, fully automated supermarket recently.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma and sound of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I now go to ALDI to buy my toilet paper.

Bodø · « **Reply #13872 on:** September 10, 2019, 03:15:09 AM »

Sounds like crap to me.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13873 on:** September 10, 2019, 03:22:58 AM »

Egg-zachery!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13874 on:** September 10, 2019, 03:50:30 AM »

I was walking around a supermarket.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" asked one of the assistants.

I said, "Yes, please, buddy. Where do you keep your condoms?"

He replied, "In my wallet, sir, but I'm not sure they'll fit you."

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3110237 times)

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