Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3065836 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15200 on: November 25, 2019, 09:06:35 PM »
A time traveller was still hungry after the last bite of his sandwich,

So he went back 5 minutes and ate it a second time....
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15201 on: November 25, 2019, 09:10:01 PM »
I was asked at a job interview if I could perform under pressure?

I said "I'm not sure, but I can definitely sing 'Another one bites the dust' "
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15202 on: November 25, 2019, 09:29:59 PM »
When I helped a customer at work today, she whispered "Check your pockets when you get home."

I thought she was gonna slip me her phone number?

Turns out the bitch stole my wallet
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15203 on: November 26, 2019, 12:06:14 AM »
Just had another scam caller.

Heavily accented Whacky Paki rang me at 12.47 am, wished me a "Good afternoon" and started on about taxation.....
Asked me for my name, so I told him "Bill Shiddardis"
He verified that was the name on the file in front of him, and then asked my date of birth, so I told him "4th of November, 1927."

He said "But you would being 92 years old!"
I said "That is correct!"

He must have realised that a tax scam would not work, so he hung up!

Damn, and I was so looking fwd to stringing him along for awhile, too.  :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15204 on: November 26, 2019, 03:03:24 AM »
Dear customers,

To whom it may concern,

Starting from next week you must ask for viagra by its brand name,
as the generic name causes embarrassment to other shoppers.

Please ask for Mycoxafloppin, Bonerax, Woodinapil, Ibepokin, or Stiffadol

Thank you.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15205 on: November 26, 2019, 07:32:40 AM »
Pretty wild night here last night. Gusty 50+ kph wind, and 7 mm of rain between 3 am and 5.15 am.
Still light misty rain at 8.30 am, and with wind chill, only 4.5 degrees outside.

C'mon, guys... its only four and a half days til summer, where is this 'global warming' at?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15206 on: November 26, 2019, 07:40:16 AM »
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno yet", I said, "I'll let you know next August."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15207 on: November 26, 2019, 07:45:05 AM »
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work' day.

As they were walking around the office, the young girl was getting very upset and started crying.

Her father asked what was wrong?

As staff were gathering around, she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are the pack of clowns that you said you worked with?"
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Offline NTRebel

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15208 on: November 26, 2019, 08:04:46 AM »
We stole it from you. Went to bed at midnight it was 29 got up at 6-45 this morning and 28.
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15209 on: November 26, 2019, 09:40:12 AM »
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got her a Killian's, she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's,
Nope!

In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch.
She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realised she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15210 on: November 26, 2019, 09:46:19 AM »
The boy asked his father "How many is a couple?"

He replied, “Two or three.”

Might explain why mum left....
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15211 on: November 26, 2019, 11:00:07 AM »
I took my boy to see Father Christmas in his grotto at the mall yesterday, and he absolutely stank of booze and cigarettes.

I dread to think what Father Christmas thought of him!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15212 on: November 26, 2019, 01:04:15 PM »
"I can't believe I'm going to be a father!" I tearfully exclaimed, as my wife emerged from the bathroom with the pregnancy test in hand.

"Genetically," she said, "You're going to be an uncle."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15213 on: November 26, 2019, 03:55:25 PM »
Judy was entering the Church wearing a see-through blouse.

"You can't come into the Church dressed like that!" exclaimed the Priest.

"But I have a divine right!" replied Judy.

"You have a divine left too, but you still can't come in dressed like that!"
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15214 on: November 26, 2019, 07:05:48 PM »
This happened in space with Andy Thomas:

Andy Thomas - "Hey mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee".

Other Astronaut  - " In space, no one can, here, use cream".

Andy Thomas - "Mate, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."
Shillas :13Candy

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15215 on: November 26, 2019, 07:06:36 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15216 on: November 26, 2019, 07:06:56 PM »
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad, and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15217 on: November 26, 2019, 07:08:16 PM »
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15218 on: November 26, 2019, 07:17:37 PM »
A blonde found a letter lying on her doormat.

On the envelope it said "DO NOT BEND"

She stood looking at it for 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15219 on: November 26, 2019, 07:28:12 PM »
Proctologists have a very poor financial record.

They always seem to be in arrears!
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15220 on: November 26, 2019, 07:48:14 PM »
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad, and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again.

 :rofl
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
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XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
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VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15221 on: November 26, 2019, 11:40:42 PM »
My wife said "Some foods give me sleepless nights"

"Like what?" I asked.

"Baked beans and cabbage."

"But you don't eat baked beans or cabbage?"

"No," she said, "But you do!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15222 on: November 27, 2019, 04:33:01 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15223 on: November 27, 2019, 04:37:43 AM »
Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs!"

Son: "You're talking with birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15224 on: November 27, 2019, 04:40:04 AM »
A guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",

The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"

The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"

"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th..."

"Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING.
Except... People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?"

The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
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