Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3077248 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10000 on:** December 08, 2018, 07:23:54 AM »

You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing!
What the hell are they all doing? How many boats do they need?
And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10001 on:** December 08, 2018, 07:25:03 AM »

You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that.
How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark?
People don't have that kind of time?
Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10002 on:** December 08, 2018, 07:30:02 AM »

They have a shopping section called, 'New Baby' gifts. I don't think you need the word 'new'?

They'd have to clear up a lot of confusion.

'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's now 12.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10003 on:** December 08, 2018, 07:34:20 AM »

My neighbour asked if he could borrow my lawnmower, and I told him "Sure!, as long as you don't take it out of my yard!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10004 on:** December 08, 2018, 07:37:45 AM »

Windows Multitasking

How to screw up several applications at the same time.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10005 on:** December 08, 2018, 11:24:17 AM »

Picked up my camera this morning to take some photos, only to discover that it is completely fritzed.
Had to think for a moment... I bought this camera in Adelaide in 1995 while on family visit.
Not a bad vintage for the camera, 23 years of almost daily usage, both snaps and videos?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10006 on:** December 08, 2018, 12:48:25 PM »

Microsoft has broken Volkswagen's world record!

Volkswagen only produced 22 million bugs.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10007 on:** December 08, 2018, 01:03:25 PM »

Nowadays, it's difficult to guess which will fall on the lawn first.

An autumn leaf, or a Christmas catalogue.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10008 on:** December 08, 2018, 01:42:33 PM »

Do you realise that it's only 3 weeks until they start advertising hot cross buns for sale?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10009 on:** December 08, 2018, 04:44:35 PM »

A blonde said to her friend "You know, it's sad that Jesus had such a short life, with his Birthday at Christmas, and like, his Crucifixion at Easter."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10010 on:** December 08, 2018, 07:23:00 PM »

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense.

He didn't want to spend a day in jail.

His lawyer said to him, "Don't worry. There's no way that you'll go to jail with all that money."

And the lawyer was correct.

When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a cent.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10011 on:** December 08, 2018, 07:41:43 PM »

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big wuss!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10012 on:** December 09, 2018, 05:32:48 AM »

A man returned from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill.
He went to see his doctor, and was immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.
The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital when the phone by his bed started ringing.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.
It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Wel, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and sliced bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can slide under the door to your room."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10013 on:** December 09, 2018, 05:48:00 AM »

I had a cousin who used to say, 'What you can't see, can't hurt you'

...well, he died of radiation poisoning a few months ago.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10014 on:** December 09, 2018, 09:53:25 AM »

As a kid, I was verbally bullied at school every day.
One day, I reached the point where I stood up for myself against the bullies.
I declared to them "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!"

From that day on, they beat me with sticks and pelted rocks at me.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10015 on:** December 09, 2018, 10:09:48 AM »

What is it about shoe repairers, that make them so good at cutting duplicate keys?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10016 on:** December 09, 2018, 11:39:49 AM »

Hey? ... What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10017 on:** December 09, 2018, 02:31:57 PM »

Golf ... So named because all the other four-letter words were already taken.

Bodø · « **Reply #10018 on:** December 09, 2018, 03:03:14 PM »

It's flog spelled backwards, which is pretty much how I play.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10019 on:** December 10, 2018, 02:22:37 AM »

The use of rectal thermometers is banned in the Trump family.

They have the potential to cause brain damage!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10020 on:** December 10, 2018, 02:32:14 AM »

You know that you live in Melbourne, when the fastest part of your daily commute is between your garage and the mailbox.

(After recent news that Melbourne has the poorest traffic flow in the world)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10021 on:** December 10, 2018, 02:40:34 AM »

Advantage of enlisting in the Armored Corps.

There are no parking disputes at the shopping mall if you're driving a tank.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10022 on:** December 10, 2018, 02:52:15 AM »

A boy asked to borrow his fathers car and the father replied "No, not until you cut your hair!"

The boy said "But Dad...Jesus had long hair!, Moses had long hair!, Noah had long hair!!"

...to which his father said, "Yeah, but they walked everywhere, too!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10023 on:** December 10, 2018, 06:57:19 AM »

A drunk tripped and staggered into a display case at Cheap as Chips, knocking it down and breaking many of the items within.

Caused almost $3 worth of of damage.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10024 on:** December 10, 2018, 02:09:20 PM »

Went for a drive to Harvey Norman in Warrnambool this morning to purchase a new (basic) pocket sized Nikon digital camera to replace my 23 year old camera which died recently.
... Talked down the price from $158 to $134, a savings of $24, with which I purchased 2 x 16 gig SD cards @ $12 each for the camera.

Even allowing about $20 fuel for the trip I still saved a bucket, around $60, as the same camera here in Portland is advertised at $217, WITHOUT the SD cards.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3077248 times)

Bodø