Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3016602 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10050 on:** December 12, 2018, 10:59:50 PM »

Never marry a tennis player.

To them, love means nothing.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10051 on:** December 12, 2018, 11:47:57 PM »

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife is going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing.
Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again.
Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer.
He repeats this a few times, until he is standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the seventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10052 on:** December 13, 2018, 01:33:40 AM »

Poor Telemarketer... claimed to be from Telstra (Overseas displayed) .... Something or other about my internet being suspended for non payment (Was paid last Friday, and I am still $70 in credit) ... when he started his spiel, I told him I was under home detention, and asked him if he could deliver a pizza. He got all confused, and then demanded that I stop wasting his time?

As if Telstra would ring at 2.20 am??

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10053 on:** December 13, 2018, 05:05:36 AM »

Johnny was doing his chemistry homework, when he called to his father "Dad? .. What's a nitrate?"

"Time and a half for the first 4 hours, then double time for the rest of the shift."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10054 on:** December 13, 2018, 06:33:51 AM »

I took a budget flight the other day.

The meal provided on the plane was fit for a king.

"Here, King! .. Good boy, ... Sit!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10055 on:** December 13, 2018, 06:39:40 AM »

The horse I bet on last weekend was so slow that the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10056 on:** December 13, 2018, 07:32:51 AM »

Theres a woman here in town that has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10057 on:** December 13, 2018, 10:25:16 AM »

An Irish guy locked his keys in the car.

It was 40 minutes before he got his wife out.

Bodø · « **Reply #10058 on:** December 13, 2018, 10:35:47 AM »

If she waited that long it says a lot about her.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10059 on:** December 13, 2018, 01:52:37 PM »

My wife will buy anything that's marked down.

Last week she bought an escalator.

Bodø · « **Reply #10060 on:** December 13, 2018, 02:01:15 PM »

I guess she got a surprise when shensaw the other end , ir is that another storey?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10061 on:** December 13, 2018, 03:18:21 PM »

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:
"Do you want a wittle white wabby, or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit what colour?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10062 on:** December 13, 2018, 06:08:21 PM »

The winner of 'American Idol' raised more votes than Donald Trump got in election to the Presidency.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10063 on:** December 13, 2018, 06:13:19 PM »

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.
Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person,
and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "...But my wife does."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10064 on:** December 13, 2018, 06:32:01 PM »

The person who invented the V neck shirt was very clever.

And frugal, too.

No wastage of material... the V cut-out was used to make womens knickers.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10065 on:** December 14, 2018, 03:19:07 AM »

Donald Trump keeps fit by practicing hair-robic exercises.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10066 on:** December 14, 2018, 09:29:23 AM »

Whats the difference between a drunken Irishman, and an Australian politician?

The Irish drunk spends his OWN money.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10067 on:** December 14, 2018, 11:20:45 AM »

A woman comes home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a bench vice.
She then secured it tightly, removed the vice handle, and threw it away.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
Her husband, now terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife passed him the hacksaw, and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, :~
"Nope! ... You are!
... I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

Bodø · « **Reply #10068 on:** December 14, 2018, 12:28:47 PM »

That's painful just thinking about it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10069 on:** December 14, 2018, 02:46:02 PM »

Even more painful if flames erupted

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10070 on:** December 14, 2018, 02:48:30 PM »

The Doc told me I have to give up half my sexual activity.

I'm confused, which half do I give up?

THINKING about it? ... or TALKING about it?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10071 on:** December 14, 2018, 02:52:16 PM »

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.
They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.
The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing youre fruit skins out the window?...they're choking my ducks!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10072 on:** December 14, 2018, 02:57:03 PM »

Download speeds on Dodo are ridiculously slow!
This morning I logged into "Just 18" porno website.
By the time the first page had loaded, all the girls looked like they were in their mid 40s.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10073 on:** December 14, 2018, 05:57:09 PM »

A blonde was visiting her friend when the doorbell rang.

She looked surprised, and asked "How do you do that?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10074 on:** December 14, 2018, 07:06:46 PM »

Ironic paint job?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3016602 times)

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