Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3058170 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10075 on:** December 15, 2018, 06:03:02 AM »

In North Korea they have two TV channels.

Channel One is pro Kimmy.

Channel Two has a Policeman with a gun telling you: "Turn back at once to Channel One."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10076 on:** December 15, 2018, 11:32:57 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10077 on:** December 15, 2018, 11:37:10 PM »

I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine.

It's a good diet.

So far, I lost 5 kilos, my driver's license, and a $240 fine.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10078 on:** December 15, 2018, 11:41:06 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10079 on:** December 15, 2018, 11:48:11 PM »

I asked my friend in Townsville if she was worried about the return of Cyclone Owen.

She said nah! ... the mortgage on her house is so heavy that nothing will budge it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10080 on:** December 15, 2018, 11:51:55 PM »

Donald Trump is not a typical politician, because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, or steal.

He's always paid an agent do that for him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10081 on:** December 16, 2018, 12:01:47 AM »

In California, by the time they reach 30, women have more plastic in their bodies than Honda fits to our ST's

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10082 on:** December 16, 2018, 01:21:16 AM »

My Father used to always say 'fight fire with fire',

... which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10083 on:** December 16, 2018, 01:23:06 AM »

The woman next door was a lollipop lady~

... and by that I mean she had a long skinny body, and a big, fat, sticky head.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10084 on:** December 16, 2018, 01:29:57 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10085 on:** December 16, 2018, 06:33:57 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10086 on:** December 16, 2018, 12:42:26 PM »

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room
and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK".
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and
gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".
The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT?.. Of course it hurt! ... He broke three of my fingers!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10087 on:** December 17, 2018, 04:44:38 AM »

Animal testing is a terrible idea, because they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10088 on:** December 17, 2018, 04:46:35 AM »

I always cut my sandwiches into triangles, because they taste better than square ones.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10089 on:** December 17, 2018, 04:50:02 AM »

I never could understand why my wifes' gynaecologist left the room while she got undressed for an examination?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10090 on:** December 17, 2018, 10:20:01 AM »

Why does bottled mineral water that 'Has trickled through mountains for centuries', have a 'use by' date?
Since when does water go 'off' ???

I find it odd that some commercially produced products have a 'use by' date.
Take jam, for example. Full of preservatives, but according to the label only have a shelf life of around two years.

Only a year ago, I consumed the last of my jars of my Mums 'home made' jam. Perfect.
According to the hand scribbled label, she bottled it in 1984, 33 years earlier, from home picked fruit while she was living in Stawell, Victoria.
No 'added preservatives' to the home made product. I had stored it, forgotten and buried in the back of a cupboard
for many years.
Some commercial jam products that I have stored in the fridge have gone 'green and furry' within a few months.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10091 on:** December 17, 2018, 01:07:34 PM »

Might have to register a new business?

Casual bank agent, money manager, fund trustee?

Yesterday, my neighbour was off back home to Melbourne. Left me $60 to pass on the the guy who cuts his lawns, who is due later today. Bloke who lives in the flat opposite mine gave me $50 to pass onto his ex-wife because he was called in to work today. Told his ex that she could pick it up from me. Another friend who is away at the moment transferred $250 into my bank account because his rent is due tomorrow, and he is currently stuck in floods in Queensland.

Should I charge them a service fee?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10092 on:** December 17, 2018, 01:20:23 PM »

A couple went to an art gallery. They found a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered by leaves.
The prudish wife didn't like it and moved on, but the huband kept looking.
The wife asked: "What are you waiting for?"
Her husband replied: "Autumn."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10093 on:** December 17, 2018, 02:48:21 PM »

Theres a strong rumour that Bill Shorten wears fire-retardant underwear to prevent his ass from exploding into flames.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10094 on:** December 17, 2018, 06:53:14 PM »

According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president of the U.S.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was like, late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10095 on:** December 17, 2018, 09:07:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10096 on:** December 17, 2018, 10:32:09 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10097 on:** December 18, 2018, 02:13:13 AM »

So sad ....

Definitely meloncollie ....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10098 on:** December 18, 2018, 06:18:06 AM »

Some politicians are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire and collect their free superannuation, with perks attached.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #10099 on:** December 18, 2018, 06:43:51 AM »

A friend dropped an old computer in for some minor adjustments this morning. Vintage, mmm ... ? ... 2001?
Has windows 98 installed.
It has an 80 gig primary hard drive.

I had to laugh, as just my MP3 music folder alone is 190 gig in size, with over 29,000 songs in it!

Still, this almost 20 year old relic handles everything that the owner asks of it, and she considers it unneccesary to upgrade to a newer computer.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3058170 times)