Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2925032 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15425 on: December 06, 2019, 10:44:16 AM »
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

"Captain?," one of the passenger asks, "Who is that man on the island?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "But he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15426 on: December 06, 2019, 10:51:20 AM »
A nervous passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended replied “Only once.”
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15427 on: December 06, 2019, 10:54:15 AM »
Like people only have one birthday. The rest are anniversaries.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15428 on: December 06, 2019, 10:55:38 AM »
I went to the local video store, and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The clerk said "No, you need to return it within 3 days"

Last time I went to my local video store it wasn't there.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15429 on: December 06, 2019, 10:59:45 AM »
Ours has gone too.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15430 on: December 06, 2019, 11:33:22 AM »
It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along narrow lanes in the countryside.
Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated.
A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Just mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothing of it.

Then, half an hour later, the bus swerves another time. The young man woke up again. "What was that?"

"Just mist," the bus driver says.

"Well, be more careful." He falls asleep again.

Another half an hour later, there is a thump.
The young man wakes up with a jerk. That stupid driver must've gone into a hedge or something. "What happened?"

"Got 'im."
« Last Edit: December 06, 2019, 11:38:51 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15431 on: December 06, 2019, 11:39:42 AM »
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15432 on: December 06, 2019, 12:05:15 PM »
Over indulgence of the sex act can cause acute memory loss.



I read that in chapter 3, second paragraph on page 37 in a medical journal, on Tuesday February the 4th, 2011 at 4:17 PM while sitting in a traffic jam during a rainstorm while driving home from the supermarket.

Can you be more specific? What was the medical journal, and which volume?
Shillas :13Candy

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15433 on: December 06, 2019, 01:30:47 PM »
 :rofl :crackup
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15434 on: December 06, 2019, 01:39:02 PM »
A plane takes off after a two hour delay. Once in the air, a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"Why did we take off so late?"

To which the flight attendant replies:

"The pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine, and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15435 on: December 06, 2019, 04:33:41 PM »
Things that people who come to Australia are afraid of:

Spiders,
Scorpions,
Snakes,
Sharks,
Crocs,
Jellyfish,
Octopus,
Stone Fish,
Feral Pigs,
Giant bulls,
Emus,
and Kangaroos.

Things that Australians are afraid of:
Magpies.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15436 on: December 06, 2019, 05:40:44 PM »
Little Johnny wrote a letter to Santa,
"Dear Santa, this Christmas I want a baby brother."

Santa replied,
"Send me your mother."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15437 on: December 06, 2019, 05:44:06 PM »
Chinese kids don't believe in Santa Claus,
because they make all the toys themselves.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15438 on: December 06, 2019, 11:30:23 PM »
It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today.

Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were ruled by kings.

Now we have so many countries...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15439 on: December 06, 2019, 11:30:39 PM »
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears.

So you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15440 on: December 06, 2019, 11:43:18 PM »
I used to date a woman who had a breast in the centre of her back.

It looked odd, but she was fun to dance with.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15441 on: December 06, 2019, 11:49:31 PM »
An American, A german, and Russian are at a strength competition
The competition is Hammering a nail into a piece of 4x4 plywood with their head.

The American, a 250 pound beast, holds numerous records in strength. The German, and 350 pound monster, almost 7 feet tall, is renowned as the most masculine man on earth. The Russian, a scrawny, 80 pound man, no records, no interests, he exists as a regular man.

The American is up first, takes a nail the size of an index finger and hits it twice with his head, BOOM BOOM, successfully forcing the nail all the way down.
The German is up next, takes a nail the size of a water bottle, hits it once, BAM, successfully penetrating the nail through the plywood.
The Russian is up next, takes the smallest nail there is, hits it 10 times, BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP BAP....
Gets the nail in.

The judges are now calculating who is the winner. After some time, the Judges come to the conclusion that the Russian won.
Everyone was confused, "why?" asks the German, "He took the smallest nail and had to hit it 10 times! I took the biggest and hit it just once!"

"Because" said the judge. "He had the nail upside down..."
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15442 on: December 07, 2019, 04:03:03 AM »
Good morning Kev. 
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15443 on: December 07, 2019, 05:00:19 AM »
'Morning Bodø.  :hatwave I have been loading the bike ready to ride, missed your call.
Should be on the road in about 15 minutes.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15444 on: December 07, 2019, 05:51:57 AM »
I'll watch your spot.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15445 on: December 07, 2019, 08:14:58 PM »
I told my ex that I wanted to be cremated.

She booked me in for next Thursday...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15446 on: December 07, 2019, 08:46:34 PM »
"'Scuse me waiter, I'm a diabetic lactose intolerant vegan with a nut allergy, what can I get?"



"OUT!!!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15447 on: December 08, 2019, 06:25:59 AM »
After being married for many years, my wife still gets mad whenever I use her toothbrush.

So if anyone knows of a better way to remove doggy doo from my sneakers, I'd be happy to hear it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15448 on: December 08, 2019, 06:29:46 AM »
During a family visit, my 7 y/o nephew showed me his handmade kite.

Then I showed him my Apple watch and said "Nice, but look what kids in China can do at your age."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15449 on: December 08, 2019, 06:33:55 AM »
I went to the doctor the other day and said, "Have you got anything for wind?"

He gave me a cap with a propeller on it.
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