Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2926254 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12925 on: July 20, 2019, 09:31:09 PM »
A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.
It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. Japanese do that'.

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter to me: you're all alike!'

The silence continues on until the co-pilot suddenly announces 'I no rike Jews anyway' .

'Oh yeah, and why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot.

'You're nuts' exclaims the captain, 'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' , 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah to me...all bruddy same!!'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12926 on: July 20, 2019, 11:51:49 PM »
A policeman stops a car...
Policeman: "Whose car is this, where are you taking it, and what do you do for a living?"

Miner: "Mine!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12927 on: July 20, 2019, 11:55:17 PM »
A policeman stopped a driver and asked for his license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

Driver: “I've got contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket for not wearing your glasses!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12928 on: July 21, 2019, 04:22:57 AM »
Obviously wasn't in Australia.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12929 on: July 21, 2019, 07:14:25 AM »
A Cop stopped three guys on a dirt bike.
He asks them: "Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?"

One of the three guys replied: "Three? ...  OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OFF!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12930 on: July 21, 2019, 01:00:28 PM »
A policeman pulled me over on his motorcycle.

I don't know why, I told him I would bring it back in 5 minutes?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12931 on: July 21, 2019, 01:43:24 PM »
THAR SHE BLOWS!

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12932 on: July 21, 2019, 01:47:30 PM »
Garbo was late this morning.

I asked "Where you bin, man?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12933 on: July 21, 2019, 01:52:15 PM »
Two workmen are sitting by the river taking a break.

A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:

"Do you know how deeps the water is here?  Will i be able to drive through?"

"Sure you can! It’s not very deep!" one answered

The farmer drives his pickup into the river, and his car is quickly picked up by the current and sinks.

"Weird?" says one guy to the other - "That duck must have had really long legs."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12934 on: July 21, 2019, 02:02:55 PM »
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Sydney Harbour."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Blue crabs on her."

"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning, wanna come with us?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12935 on: July 21, 2019, 03:53:01 PM »
Memories of Army meal packs.

There was a disgusting cereal block provided, sort of like a weetbix, but much harder.
Supposedly, if they were left to soak for awhile, they actually became edible?

We used to say that the only way that these could be eaten was if they were put into a billy, and weighed down with a rock,
then boil them until the rock went soft.
Then throw away the cereal block and eat the rock, because it has more nourishment, and tastes better.

 :thumb
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12936 on: July 21, 2019, 03:54:44 PM »
Why didn't you just take rock cakes?
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12937 on: July 21, 2019, 04:02:31 PM »
A bit hard to carry around anything extra not provided by the Military, in the jungles of VietNam.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12938 on: July 21, 2019, 04:15:42 PM »
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to Rosie O'Donnell and Susan Boyle. As many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, they have reconsidered their benefit packages.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12939 on: July 21, 2019, 04:51:24 PM »
I believe a QC (quran counsellor) is on the case.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12940 on: July 21, 2019, 08:50:18 PM »
Memories of Army meal packs.

There was a disgusting cereal block provided, sort of like a weetbix, but much harder.
Supposedly, if they were left to soak for awhile, they actually became edible?

We used to say that the only way that these could be eaten was if they were put into a billy, and weighed down with a rock,
then boil them until the rock went soft.
Then throw away the cereal block and eat the rock, because it has more nourishment, and tastes better.

 :thumb
Ahh, the good old "bickies, bulletproof".

I used to eat them like a rusk. Just gnaw on them until the enzymes in the saliva softened them. Could take all day to eat just one. :grin

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12941 on: July 21, 2019, 09:01:17 PM »
Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks, and put it on somebody who isn't family?


Just arse skin for a friend....
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12942 on: July 21, 2019, 09:13:51 PM »
Someone just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...


.. But I only suffered super fish oil injuries..
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12943 on: July 21, 2019, 09:21:34 PM »
If you ever feel that your job is meaningless...


Just remember that somebody actually gets paid to install turning indicators on BMW cars.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12944 on: July 21, 2019, 09:26:47 PM »
Whatever else he's done, Trump is serious about creating jobs.


The White House is always hiring replacement staff.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12945 on: July 21, 2019, 09:41:00 PM »
Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"

"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"

The first guy thinks of a solution. "We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."

His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.

Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.

By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.

The church bursts into hard laughter.

Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment.
They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.

"We're well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.

The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."

"Yes," replied the other American.

"Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12946 on: July 22, 2019, 01:52:13 AM »
A drunk husband arrived late at his home, and found himself locked out.
He rang the bell..

Wife : "Where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door! You can sleep outside in the cold tonight!"

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : "I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door!"

Wife : "Do whatever you want, I won't open the door!"

(Husband picks a big stone, and dropped it into the well)
Wife opened the door and ran towards the well.
Husband entered the house and locked it from inside.

Wife : "Open the door, otherwise I'll shout and people will gather here!"

Husband : "Let them gather, I'll ask you in front of them where have you been and why are you dressed in a nightie!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12947 on: July 22, 2019, 04:21:29 AM »
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.
He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!".

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There are not many black people in Russia."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12948 on: July 22, 2019, 06:17:54 AM »
Auto Correct
Text to Neighbor:


Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing this.

The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you know. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that's no excuse but the temptation was just too great.

I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regard, Richard.



**Fred's response, feeling very angry and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, shot Richard, killing him. He then went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a 2nd text message from Richard which read:......**

"Hi Fred, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed 'wi-fi' to 'wife'.

Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12949 on: July 22, 2019, 06:26:51 AM »
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger.

He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers in the same car would be astronomical.
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