Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3062663 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12975 on:** July 23, 2019, 06:30:25 PM »

Before my surgery, the doctor offered to put me under with gas, or just knock me out with a boat paddle...

... It was an ether/oar situation

« **Reply #12976 on:** July 23, 2019, 06:32:41 PM »

I suppose most will choose the gas but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12977 on:** July 23, 2019, 06:44:10 PM »

"Won't you kiss me, doctor?", asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.
"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12978 on:** July 23, 2019, 06:49:07 PM »

The woman had just given birth, and after thanking the doctor for his assistance, sheepishly asked,
"How soon do you think before we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at her and said, "I'm off duty in 15 minutes - meet me in the car park?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12979 on:** July 23, 2019, 06:54:18 PM »

Went to the hearing specialist the other day and said "I’m having loads of trouble understanding people when they speak to me."
Doctor said "Right, ok. Can you describe the symptoms to me?"
I said "Yeah Marge has blue hair in a beehive style, and Homer is a fat bloke that likes beer"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12980 on:** July 23, 2019, 06:58:06 PM »

Said to my friend "I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow."

He asked "Which doctor?"

I replied "Nah! ... just a regular GP."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12981 on:** July 23, 2019, 07:04:39 PM »

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy salad diet.

Dammit, I've now got lettuce and tomatoes stuck between my toes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12982 on:** July 23, 2019, 09:48:50 PM »

On an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.
Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his plane onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lennie was having a nap right in the middle of it. So after revving his engine a few times to no effect, the Flt Lt clambered crossly out of the cockpit, trotted up to Lennie and gave him the point of his shoe in a tender spot, which earned him a reproachful look from the sleepy lion; but the animal got up and slunk off into the long grass.

Returning from his flight, the youngster went up to the CO's office and said "Sir, I wish you'd control that lion of yours. I had to shoo him off the airstrip before I could take off today!"

And the CO said "What are you blethering on about? Lennie's been asleep under my desk all day."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12983 on:** July 23, 2019, 09:58:10 PM »

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Of course that's nothing, compared to what it cost me to send the little bugger there.

Bodø · « **Reply #12984 on:** July 23, 2019, 11:33:20 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12985 on:** July 24, 2019, 03:48:52 AM »

Donald Trump went on safari to Africa, but they only showed him pictures of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12986 on:** July 24, 2019, 03:55:04 AM »

If you could have Bill Gates' wealth, or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

Bodø · « **Reply #12987 on:** July 24, 2019, 04:54:43 AM »

I doubt I'll buy a ferrari.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12988 on:** July 24, 2019, 06:56:09 AM »

You know the old saying, 'The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'

Must be frustrating for a migrating fish.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12989 on:** July 24, 2019, 04:33:27 PM »

Whats with the new Brit PM? He is fat, has ratty blonde hair, is mouthy and full of himself, and comes from New York.
Even looks a bit similar in facial features to Trump? Long lost brother?
Hope he doesn't have a twitter account also.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12990 on:** July 24, 2019, 04:40:07 PM »

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I might slip over to the supermarket, and buy a punnet.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12991 on:** July 24, 2019, 04:42:22 PM »

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...
...who was shooting up in the barn?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12992 on:** July 24, 2019, 04:44:14 PM »

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer?”

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued:

“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12993 on:** July 24, 2019, 07:31:25 PM »

First scam call in several weeks.

(Overseas) "Good morning, I am Peter from Microsoft ... '' (In Indian accent, @ 7.30 pm)

So I put the phone next to the speaker, and hit 'play' on the extended 'donkey bray' mp3 file on my desktop.

"Peter" got very upset, and accused me of wasting his time?

Gadget · « **Reply #12994 on:** July 24, 2019, 07:38:33 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on July 24, 2019, 04:33:27 PM

Whats with the new Brit PM? He is fat, has ratty blonde hair, is mouthy and full of himself, and comes from New York.
Even looks a bit similar in facial features to Trump? Long lost brother?
Hope he doesn't have a twitter account also.

He does have Twitter and isn't much better.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12995 on:** July 24, 2019, 07:40:41 PM »

oboy, now we have two world idiots that will waste time on the news.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12996 on:** July 24, 2019, 07:42:55 PM »

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"
So she wrote down his height, weight, medical history, and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later another nurse came in and asked him what he had.
The man said: “Shingles!!"

So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found the man sitting patiently in the nude, and asked him what he had.
The man said: “Shingles!!!”

The doctor asked: “What makes you so sure?”

The man answered: “ They're outside on the truck!!! Where do you want me to unload them?”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12997 on:** July 24, 2019, 07:49:04 PM »

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp.

I now own a warehouse instead of a whorehouse.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12998 on:** July 24, 2019, 07:52:13 PM »

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties, where they make the tiles balance on edge.
Instead of commending the skill involved, they make fun of each other.

It is called an erect tile diss function.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12999 on:** July 24, 2019, 07:53:36 PM »

The eagle is a bird of many skills.

One could say they are very talon-ted.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3062663 times)

Bodø

Bodø