Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2926911 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15775 on: December 27, 2019, 11:32:57 PM »
Sarah got divorced a month after her wedding

Her neighbour asked : "Why did you get divorced?"

Sarah: "Could you endure a whole month of insults and beatings?"

Neighbor: "No way!"

Sarah: "Neither could he!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15776 on: December 27, 2019, 11:37:56 PM »
Divorced couples in Canberra are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15777 on: December 27, 2019, 11:40:43 PM »
An Ethiopian fell into an alligator pen at San Diego zoo

He ate three of them before they could get him out.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15778 on: December 28, 2019, 04:00:27 AM »
Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?"

Mick replies "Don't know, give it to me."
He then tries it, and says "Yes it is!"

Paddy asks, "How do you know?"

Mick replies, "That's my handwriting!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15779 on: December 28, 2019, 04:04:42 AM »
A woman rode past me on a bike. I yelled, “COW!”

As she rode by, she glared back at me and screamed "PIG!", gave me the finger, turned back around and ran into the cow.

I tried.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15780 on: December 28, 2019, 04:17:52 AM »
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently
Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist from Harvard to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15781 on: December 28, 2019, 06:12:07 AM »
My wife has an iron deficiency.

In fact, she’s deficient with most household appliances.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15782 on: December 28, 2019, 06:28:03 AM »
There used to be a time I got stressed out regularly but it turned out all I needed was an iron supplement. I ride it most days.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15783 on: December 28, 2019, 11:10:55 AM »
I went to inspect a house with period features, and while there, I had a massive argument with my wife.


She hates me calling her that!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15784 on: December 28, 2019, 01:43:35 PM »
I was having a phone conversation with a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Robson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15785 on: December 28, 2019, 02:06:45 PM »
Not only are Maccas slow on their service, but they also employ staff with hearing problems.

After being ignored for many minutes, I decided to leave, and muttered just one word as I headed for the door.

One of the staff misheard what I said, and rang up a 'bucket' on the register.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15786 on: December 28, 2019, 05:51:34 PM »
There's a new exhibit at Disneyworld that features statues of some Disney favourite characters.
A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favourites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto.
As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd.
Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the deal with the turd shaped statue?"
The tour guide, with a defeated look, replies "Well, you see, we asked for a statue of Pooh..."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15787 on: December 28, 2019, 05:56:11 PM »
Saw a woman at the supermarket who had striking features...

Two black eyes.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15788 on: December 28, 2019, 07:45:29 PM »
I decided to let my wife drive one day... I immediately regretted it.

She hit a kangaroo less than 20 metres from a kangaroo warning sign, that had a clear depiction of the animal for less literate individuals.

Confused and disappointed, I asked her as calmly as possible, "Hey, didn't you see the sign?"

Still shaking from shock, she said, "Yes, but I never thought they'd come from the other way!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15789 on: December 28, 2019, 07:55:07 PM »
My rock collection isn't worth much...
But it has sedimental value.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15790 on: December 28, 2019, 07:56:02 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15791 on: December 28, 2019, 08:01:09 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15792 on: December 28, 2019, 09:42:21 PM »
I came to the realisation that I've hit Rock Bottom today, when I found I had gone to Hooters specifically for the food.
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15793 on: December 28, 2019, 09:53:33 PM »
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently
Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist from Harvard to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

I believe that Australian ornithologists also came to the same conclusion from studying emus.  :grin  :crackup
Shillas :13Candy

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15794 on: December 28, 2019, 09:59:11 PM »
50% of a woman's magazine is telling her to accept herself - you're beautiful just the way you are!

The other 50% is telling her how to lose 3 kilos in a week.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15795 on: December 28, 2019, 11:51:49 PM »
It has been many years now, since I got a motorbike for my wife.


Best trade ever!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15796 on: December 29, 2019, 08:43:25 AM »
Instead of Travelling to Oz, the Tin Man the Lion and The Scarecrow should have run for Congress, as they lack a heart, mind, and courage.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15797 on: December 29, 2019, 08:44:43 AM »
The Scarecrow said to Dorothy...
"I may not have a brain, but unlike you I'm not the stupid bitch who's lost, when there's only one freaking road!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15798 on: December 29, 2019, 08:45:25 AM »
Instead of Travelling to Oz, the Tin Man the Lion and The Scarecrow should have run for Congress, as they lack a heart, mind, and courage.


The tin man is in Oz.  I just posted a picture of him in a ride report to Lower Light.

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15799 on: December 29, 2019, 08:47:41 AM »
Morning Bodø, Have a great day. :hatwave
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