Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[ruSTynutz]

A motorcyclist is in an accident.
He wakes up in the hospital to find a doctor at his bedside.

"Oh good, you're awake" the doctor says. "Listen, you have been in a motorcycle accident. It was pretty severe."

"How severe?" the man asks.

"Well, to that end there is good news and bad news. Which would you prefer?"

"I suppose I will hear the bad news first." the man says.

"Well, the bad news is there was severe damage to your legs and both have been amputated at the knee."

The man was devastated. His whole life he had ridden motorcycles. He had never owned a car, opting instead to
experience the elements and brave the world on two wheels. Sorrow begins to spread throughout him and he
feels a stinging in his eyes. Looking back to the doctor, his form blurred from the man's tears, he asks "and the good news?"

"The man across the hall has offered to purchase your motorcycle boots."

[ruSTynutz]

Warnings about motorcycles

Every time people find out I ride a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about someone they know who had an accident.

I don't get it.

I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left...

[ruSTynutz]

I would love to buy a Harley Davidson...
But I can't afford all the shirts.

[ruSTynutz]

My dad just lost his leg in a motorcycle accident.
Now his feet only smell half as bad.

[ruSTynutz]

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motorbike.
While taking a shortcut through a darkened park, they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any
jewelry on the girl. When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your
new diamond ring as well dear?” “No Papa,” replied the girl with a grin, “I managed to hide it
when they were searching you.” “Hide it? where?” asked the guy,” I saw them search you too.”
“I slipped it into my… a… my . . .um…. pee pee place. ”said the girl shyly.
“Damn!” swore the guy, “If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motorbike!”

[Bodø]

My dad just lost his leg in a motorcycle accident.
Now his feet only smell half as bad.

Amd the other guy in the hospital stole his boots.

[ruSTynutz]

 

Speaking of having legs chopped off, my brother was a double amputee...
I'd visit him and take him out for a drive and always got a laugh asking him if he had enough leg room... 
I was a loving brother... 

When I drove buses in Brisbane there was a regular blind person who got on and always said "good morning driver, I've never seen you before".

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Bodø]

It was less funny the 100th time.  It was funny getting in before he did and saying the same thing to him and waiting for the person in the front seat get upset.

[Kev Murphy]

If you watch Jaws backwards you get a movie about a shark that throws up so many people that they need to open a beach.

[Kev Murphy]

ST PETERSBURG, FL -- This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

"It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!

"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!"

[Kev Murphy]

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet you when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.

"I just managed to climb out of the car just before it fell over the cliff crashing hundreds of feet below and exploded."

Sam continued, "Mary drove me to the hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several broken ribs."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who the hell is Mary?"

[Bodø]

If you watch Jaws backwards you get a movie about a shark that throws up so many people that they need to open a beach.

Do the same on something on World War II and Hitler liberates Europe.

[Kev Murphy]

"Mom, I‘m almost 16 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind.
So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

"For the last time Graham, NO!!!“

[Kev Murphy]

Interesting snippet from the TV about the pushbikes used in the Santos Tour Down Under ...

Each bike in the race costs from $15,000 to $23,000 to buy.  Yer, like, this is a pushbike, right?

[Kev Murphy]

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.
Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing???" cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree! There aren't any cherries here?"

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

[Kev Murphy]

A little old lady fed two possums in her backyard everyday.
One morning the old lady went out to feed them, but finds them both dead.
She decides she can't live without them, and takes them to a taxidermist.
She asked to have them preserved.
The taxidermist asked "Do you want them mounted?"
"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

[Kev Murphy]

Do you know what the Ethernet is?

Is it used to catch the Etherbunny?

[Kev Murphy]

The inventor of the USB recently died.

They lowered his coffin into the ground, then pulled it up again, and turned it over...

[ruSTynutz]

Would that be "Murphy's Law"? 

[Kev Murphy]

Surely is, Russ.

[Kev Murphy]

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"?

[ruSTynutz]

The inventor of the USB recently died.

They lowered his coffin into the ground, then pulled it up again, and turned it over...

Speaking of USB's, I have a couple of cables that plug in either way... 

[Kev Murphy]

An opinion minus 3.142, is just an onion..