Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3020176 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14000 on:** September 17, 2019, 12:28:49 AM »

Me: "In March, 1972, my wife ran away with my best friend."

Him: "Since when was he your best friend?"

Me: "Since March, 1972. Never did get to thank him."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14001 on:** September 17, 2019, 02:29:58 AM »

A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts
The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened.
She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater".

The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y shaped mark on her breasts.
Upon inquiry, she said her boyfriend goes to Yale and he made love to her in his sweater.
The doctor gave her the same cream and told her it will get better in a week.

The next day, another girl came in with a M shaped mark on her torso.
The doctor said "Lemme guess, your boyfriend goes to Michigan?"
She said "No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14002 on:** September 17, 2019, 03:47:11 AM »

A man went to a tattooist and requested a tally mark on his back.

Every couple of weeks, the same customer came in, always requesting the same tattoo:
... an additional tally mark, on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks.

One day, the tattooist decides to ask: "What are you counting?"

The man says: "The number of tattoos I've gotten"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14003 on:** September 17, 2019, 10:12:40 AM »

In 1966, a South Alabama man named Herman James was drafted into the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has now been searching for Herman for over 50 years.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14004 on:** September 17, 2019, 10:14:29 AM »

Trump has bad hair because he fired his barber, along with everyone else.

« **Reply #14005 on:** September 17, 2019, 10:15:15 AM »

* yawn *

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14006 on:** September 17, 2019, 10:25:47 AM »

An employee was called into his boss’s office...

Boss: “Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy.
In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager.
Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"

Employee: "Thanks, Dad".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14007 on:** September 17, 2019, 10:33:18 AM »

A Morgue employee was cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14008 on:** September 17, 2019, 10:36:47 AM »

What is the difference between a disabled pensioner and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14009 on:** September 17, 2019, 10:46:38 AM »

Two Frenchmen decide to have a sex competition to decide who is the better lover.
They made a 100 euro bet as to who could perform the deed most often in one night.

They both picked up a woman, and each rented a hotel room for the night.

After the first session, one Frenchman chalked a tally mark on the headboard.

An hour later, he added another chalk mark.

Some time later, he wearily added a third mark, and promptly fell asleep for the rest of the night.

He was awoken in the morning as his buddy burst into his hotel room.

His buddy took one look at the headboard and said "One hundred and eleven? ... Dammit, you beat me by 5!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14010 on:** September 17, 2019, 01:06:02 PM »

Bill Short'un does not look out of his office window in the morning...

... otherwise, he would have nothing to do after lunch.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14011 on:** September 17, 2019, 01:08:33 PM »

All children in China have iPhones, and wear Nike.

Employee discount benefits.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14012 on:** September 17, 2019, 01:15:26 PM »

An employee tells his boss...
"Hey, that's a nice car you have there!"

The boss looks at him and says:
"If you work hard and stay after hours, I'll have an even better one next year!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14013 on:** September 17, 2019, 06:44:17 PM »

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

Shillas · « **Reply #14014 on:** September 17, 2019, 08:53:27 PM »

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said, " How about walking through the room naked?".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14015 on:** September 17, 2019, 09:02:10 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14016 on:** September 17, 2019, 11:44:03 PM »

Another cold night here... 2.2 degrees at present, matching last nights temperature.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14017 on:** September 17, 2019, 11:46:07 PM »

I maintain my stomach tone each day by doing as many crunches as I can.

(Usually either Nestle or Cadbury)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14018 on:** September 18, 2019, 01:25:17 AM »

Blonde: " My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor?"

Doctor: "You should diet."

Blonde: "Really? What colour?"

Bodø · « **Reply #14019 on:** September 18, 2019, 02:58:43 AM »

Quote from: Shillas on September 17, 2019, 08:53:27 PM

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.
She said, " How about walking through the room naked?".

Now ask Alexa how to turn your wife off.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14020 on:** September 18, 2019, 05:31:53 AM »

Portland 5.05am 1.3°C
Feels Like minus 3.1°C

ITS FREAKING COLD! Coldest night on record here in the past 21 years.

Lowest September Temp On Record 3.0°C Sept 25th 1998

Average This Month (Day - Night) 8.4°C 1.1°C

Where are all these 'global warming' pundits? Certainly nowhere near here!

Gadget · « **Reply #14021 on:** September 18, 2019, 06:35:24 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 18, 2019, 05:31:53 AM

Portland 5.05am 1.3°C
Feels Like minus 3.1°C

ITS FREAKING COLD! Coldest night on record here in the past 21 years.

Lowest September Temp On Record 3.0°C Sept 25th 1998

Average This Month (Day - Night) 8.4°C 1.1°C

Where are all these 'global warming' pundits? Certainly nowhere near here!

We had 33 °C last week, on the 4th day of spring. It's normally December before we get temperatures like that.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

NTRebel · « **Reply #14022 on:** September 18, 2019, 07:15:06 AM »

Kev we had the same temp as you last night 11 it actually felt quite warm for a change.

Bodø · « **Reply #14023 on:** September 18, 2019, 07:25:35 AM »

30°C forecast for Advegas today.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14024 on:** September 18, 2019, 10:08:11 AM »

A pizza is laying in the stomach as it is joined by some beer.

As more beer keeps coming, pizza asks beer: "What's going on?"

The beer says: "There's a party going on, so there will be more of us."

The pizza gets excited about this and says: "A party eh? ... I'm gonna go take a look!"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3020176 times)

Bodø

Bodø