Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3060464 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16575 on: February 14, 2020, 03:49:15 AM »
Trumps wall has more brain cells than he has.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16576 on: February 14, 2020, 04:07:24 AM »
If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a staff member between 50 and 60 years old.

He has been there, and done that.

Don't ask the 70 year old staffer.

He's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16577 on: February 14, 2020, 06:37:59 AM »
I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16578 on: February 14, 2020, 07:14:11 AM »
Oscar Pistorius' home improvements.

He wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16579 on: February 14, 2020, 01:13:39 PM »
Been going to the gym now for 6 weeks and have noticed some huge improvements.

They've fixed the water cooler, and the coin operated snack vending machine.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16580 on: February 14, 2020, 01:21:34 PM »
A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.
“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore, because I can’t see.”

The doctor fits the snake with glasses, and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight.
A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.

“They’re fine,” the snake answers. “But now I’m suffering depression.”

“Depression?” the doctor asks.

"Yeah, my eyesight has cleared up, but I now realise I’ve been dating a vacuum cleaner hose.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16581 on: February 14, 2020, 02:58:48 PM »
A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: "Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?"

Mohamed: "10!"

Teacher: "Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?"

Mohamed: "9!"

Teacher: "Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See if anyone can do better! Now what's 5x4?"

Mohamed: "8!"

Teacher: "Everybody RUNNNNN!!!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16582 on: February 14, 2020, 06:04:09 PM »
My high school teacher always used to say: "Time will pass... Will you?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16583 on: February 14, 2020, 06:08:44 PM »
Music teacher called a student's home and told his parents: "Your son John was pretty good in my class today. He reminds me of a young Elvis."

"Oh really? Is he really that gifted in music?"

"No," he replied. "I just found him dead on the toilet."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16584 on: February 14, 2020, 06:27:04 PM »
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eye, and says, "Meow!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16585 on: February 14, 2020, 06:32:37 PM »
I’ve tried to search for something on google for years
It keeps saying “Error. No matches”

Then I realised I wasn’t on google, I was on Tinder.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16586 on: February 14, 2020, 08:23:00 PM »
My neighbour has a large, untrained dog, he is tied up in the yard most days.
He has broken the chain several times now, and when that happens he chases my cat and shits all over my lawn.
I wouldn't mind so much, but now his dog has started to do it too.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16587 on: February 14, 2020, 09:07:26 PM »
A gay cowboy rode into town, and shot up the sheriff.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16588 on: February 15, 2020, 03:56:47 AM »
Saturday cruise coming up, going to drop in and have a coffee with friends who live at Sandford, just a hundred Km up the highway. Should be back home again mid afternoon.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16589 on: February 15, 2020, 04:23:21 AM »
My ride through Sandford (easter sunday 2016) consisted of sitting behind cattle.



So focused on them I didn't even notice this car behind me.

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16590 on: February 15, 2020, 12:10:18 PM »
one word condensation about this mornings trip.

WET!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16591 on: February 15, 2020, 12:10:36 PM »
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Online Wild Rose

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16592 on: February 15, 2020, 12:46:22 PM »


 :like I like it  :hatwave
I will borrow it if you don’t mind
Leo (Wild Rose)
Honda ST 1300
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16593 on: February 15, 2020, 12:50:17 PM »
Not a problem, Leo... I ratted it from the web, also. :grin :thumb
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16594 on: February 15, 2020, 12:55:08 PM »
I was walking home last night, and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...

Three girls walked up to me, and explained that they were scared to walk near the cemetery at night,
so I agreed to let them walk along with me.

I said to them "I understand... I used to freak out too, when I was alive."


Never before seen anyone run so fast, and scream so loud.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16595 on: February 15, 2020, 03:33:50 PM »
A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.
On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny.

As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board.
Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up.
When she straightens back up, she finishes writing the sentence and says: "Now class, who can translate the sentence I just wrote?

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Yes, Johnny" says the teacher.

Little Johnny says, "If only that skirt were a bit shorter..."

Naturally flustered, the teacher yells out, "Johnny! That is disgusting and very rude! Get out of my class right now!"

As Little Johnny is packing his things, he hits the principal on the head with his Spanish textbook and says. "And you Mister, if you don't know your shit, keep your damn mouth shut!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16596 on: February 15, 2020, 03:38:29 PM »
I haven't slept for 10 days.....because that would be way too long !
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16597 on: February 15, 2020, 03:39:36 PM »
As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16598 on: February 15, 2020, 03:47:00 PM »
Soul searching
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16599 on: February 15, 2020, 03:49:14 PM »
Army snipers always close one eye while shooting, because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to bloody see.
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