Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3051038 times)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16875 on: February 29, 2020, 09:03:03 PM »
Your lucky Kev up here they start the shows 30 minutes before the advertised time too bad if you're doing something else you miss the first 30 minutes. :agro: :agro: :agro:
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16876 on: February 29, 2020, 09:12:55 PM »
If I want to watch a show, I want to do just that. 
I don't want to be interrupted by jibber about 'Jinny Kregs wet loss program' or 'Finder dart karm dart hey you'. This is Australia, we have our OWN accent, and do not need to suffer advertising using other accents.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16877 on: February 29, 2020, 09:17:58 PM »
I was at a funeral service the other day and didn't have any mobile service...

So, I marched down the aisle to the front, and gave the priest a friendly ol' pat on the shoulder.
"Hey buddy, do you by any chance know the Wi-Fi password for this area?"

The priest, bewildered, gave me a look of disgust and hissed, "Show some respect!"

"All lowercase?" I asked.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16878 on: February 29, 2020, 09:24:07 PM »
A blonde visits her husband in prison.
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

Officer laughs, saying: "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps, and stays in his cell all day!!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he has been digging a tunnel for months!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16879 on: March 01, 2020, 05:49:29 AM »
A French spy and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were both caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week.
Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to say anything, and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.

The Frenchman was amazed at his endurance. "How did you do that!"

"I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian.
"But they had my hands tied, so I couldn't speak!."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16880 on: March 01, 2020, 10:16:05 AM »
What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?


Found in your cell, unresponsive.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16881 on: March 01, 2020, 10:21:03 AM »
A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just had a car crash on the freeway or something.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16882 on: March 01, 2020, 10:31:35 AM »
Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16883 on: March 01, 2020, 10:34:57 AM »
Random Fact

'Typewriter' is the longest word that can be made using the keys on only one row of the keyboard.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16884 on: March 01, 2020, 10:37:44 AM »
I took a blonde to the movies the other night.
When the message came up on the screen to silence our cell phones, my date looked frustrated.
She stood up and started to leave.

I said, "What's wrong? You can't sit through a movie without your phone on?"

"No," she said, "I left it in the car!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16885 on: March 01, 2020, 10:41:03 AM »
A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.
He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail.
The teen makes his phone call and is returned to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father?” the arresting officer says.

“No,” responds the man, “I’m the pizza delivery guy.”
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16886 on: March 01, 2020, 10:53:14 AM »
Discovered a dessert in my fridge that had developed a coloured mould.

I threw it away, but it came back.

How does one dispose of an unwanted blue meringue?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16887 on: March 01, 2020, 10:56:05 AM »
Throw it in the bin and put the bin out on bin day.  Then like magic it disappears.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16888 on: March 01, 2020, 11:03:44 AM »
Hey now, that sounds like an aboriginal idea!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16889 on: March 01, 2020, 01:20:46 PM »
Newsman on TV lied ... He said it was Sunday today.

Looked outside, and it's Cloud day!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16890 on: March 01, 2020, 01:43:22 PM »
Some people are like clouds.  When they **** off it's a fine day.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16891 on: March 01, 2020, 03:39:44 PM »
 :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16892 on: March 01, 2020, 03:44:56 PM »
Me: "What's the name of that dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream?"

Colleague: "Affogato"

Me: "Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it...?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16893 on: March 01, 2020, 03:52:13 PM »
GP: "You have too much sugar in your diet.
I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers.
They’re much better for you nutritionally."

Patient: "Ugh! do I have to?"

GP: " Yup! ... Doctor’s hors d’oeurves!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16894 on: March 01, 2020, 03:58:41 PM »
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school, and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead.

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee.

"Honey," he said, "Will you buy me a new computer?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16895 on: March 01, 2020, 04:01:12 PM »
I had a pig for dinner last night.

She didn't even hang round after the meal to help wash the dishes.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16896 on: March 01, 2020, 04:06:25 PM »
My doctor said "Don't eat anything fatty..."

I said "What do you mean? Fries, steak, dessert?"

He said "No fatty. You're not listening, I said don't eat anything."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16897 on: March 01, 2020, 04:10:13 PM »

In the days before the advent of the mobile phone, and even when fixed lines were scarce, an engineer's wife was expecting, and the baby was due any day....

The engineer was very confident that it would be a boy, and was eagerly looking forward to the delivery day....

As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city at the time the baby was due, and had to leave immediately to take up his new post....

Before going, he asked his father-in-law to send a telegram confirming the birth of his son....

But in order to avoid giving a party to his office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write
"The Clock Has Arrived,"_ and he will understand that the son is born....

The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl....

Now the engineer's father-in-law didn't know what to do.
If he writes _"The Clock Has Arrived,"_  the son-in-law will think he has a son....

If he writes _"The Clock Has Not Arrived,"_ the son-in-law will get worried that something serious has happened....
Being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution, and sends the telegram....

Son in law received the telegram, opened it eagerly & read....
"The Clock Has Arrived, But The Pendulum Is Missing."_
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16898 on: March 01, 2020, 04:13:50 PM »
Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.
Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my crap together."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16899 on: March 01, 2020, 06:06:33 PM »
You'll be pleased to know it's raning in Adelaide right now Kev.
 
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