Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3069463 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16950 on:** March 04, 2020, 05:41:06 PM »

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ...

... and no one showed up.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16951 on:** March 04, 2020, 05:46:55 PM »

People often wonder why my wife divorced me.

One day we were having sex, and I told her she’s the only one I’ve ever been with.

She said “awwwww”,
... until I told her all the others were eights, nines, and tens..

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16952 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:40:11 PM »

Just had a phone call from a mate. Seems he has a broken double power point in his kitchen which also has a switch that controls his exhaust fan. It's a safety issue because it is near the sink, and has exposed wiring.

He rang a sparky, and was quoted the screaming ripoff price of $280 to replace the switch! ... and a 4 week wait for an appointment!
The switch retails for under $25, so how in hell can he be charged $255 for ten minutes work?

I don't care that I am retired and my electrical licence has expired, I am going to replace the power point tomorrow.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16953 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:43:35 PM »

It will cost him $25 and a cuppa coffee, tho

« **Reply #16954 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:45:39 PM »

And he has to come around and feed your cats on saturday.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16955 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:49:36 PM »

Nah! ... I will feed them extra before I leave home at around 9.30am and I will be home again before 5.30 pm

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16956 on:** March 04, 2020, 07:04:13 PM »

Sarah got divorced a month after her wedding
Her friend asked : "Why did you get divorced?"

Sarah: "Could you endure a whole month of daily insults and beatings?"

Neighbor: "Noo, I wouldn't be able to handle that!"

Sarah: "Neither could he!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16957 on:** March 04, 2020, 07:14:24 PM »

Divorced couples in Canberra are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

Judges have started issuing joint custody ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16958 on:** March 04, 2020, 08:11:33 PM »

Doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man?"

"No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16959 on:** March 04, 2020, 08:18:26 PM »

Flat Earthers are not fussed about global warming... they say that melting icebergs will not cause sea levels to rise, because the extra water will just fall off the edge...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16960 on:** March 04, 2020, 10:05:36 PM »

How to improve your muscles in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

3. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually a 100-lb potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

4. When you feel confident at that level, start putting a potato or two in each of the sacks.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16961 on:** March 05, 2020, 01:10:06 AM »

Leroy said to Jimbob : "Dayum! How deep would the oceans be, if'n it weren't for all them there sponges?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16962 on:** March 05, 2020, 01:34:18 AM »

If two women marry and then get divorced, which one gets 3/4 of everything?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16963 on:** March 05, 2020, 01:38:33 AM »

I tried to do some light reading to pass the time. It was horrible, and now my eyes hurt.

The only thing I was able to make out was "75 watts - made in China"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16964 on:** March 05, 2020, 06:45:56 AM »

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is motivated by race?

NASCAR

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16965 on:** March 05, 2020, 06:48:24 AM »

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her...

Instead, I just swam for the surface.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16966 on:** March 05, 2020, 06:53:42 AM »

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Saturday: Ian

Sunday: Greg

.

.

The Greg or ian calendar .....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16967 on:** March 05, 2020, 07:00:04 AM »

Arnie was sick of people taking the piss out of him all day.

So he disconnected the dialysis machine and went to the pub.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16968 on:** March 05, 2020, 07:21:46 AM »

Great news for insomniacs

Only 8 more sleeps until Christmas 2020

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16969 on:** March 05, 2020, 11:02:16 AM »

If people are scared shitless about this corona virus, what's the point in bulk buying toilet paper?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16970 on:** March 05, 2020, 11:34:36 AM »

If you cannot buy toilet paper, there's always this alternative ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16971 on:** March 05, 2020, 11:56:07 AM »

Doc: "I have bad news about your test results"

Me: "Oh man, did I fail?"

Doc: "No, not that kind of test"

Me: "So, I passed?"

Doc: "No, but you will in a week or two"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16972 on:** March 05, 2020, 12:00:29 PM »

CNN BREAKING NEWS:

Anonymous hero has donated 20 human kidneys to the Hospital.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16973 on:** March 05, 2020, 01:24:18 PM »

Doctor: "I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills each day for the rest of your life."

Patient: "But... Doctor... you have only given me three pills?"

Doctor: "I told you it was bad news."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16974 on:** March 05, 2020, 01:30:01 PM »

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow.
He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news.
The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine.
This infuriates the President, who then asks what could be worse than that.

The Secret Service informs them that it’s Melania’s handwriting.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3069463 times)