Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924129 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16975 on: March 05, 2020, 01:34:58 PM »
A Blonde came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

 “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16976 on: March 05, 2020, 01:37:32 PM »
The biggest problem with retirement, is that you never get a day off.

But then I still managed to whip around to my mates place today and replace that broken powerpoint in his kitchen (and enjoy a cuppa coffee)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16977 on: March 05, 2020, 02:33:15 PM »
Anyone else receiving emails from Nigeria asking for bank details and claiming a distant relative has left them 3,000 toilet rolls ?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16978 on: March 05, 2020, 02:41:36 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16979 on: March 05, 2020, 02:49:39 PM »
No, but got an email from Pakistan National University that is supposedly from the ANZ bank ... ?

It's an exact copy of the ones from NAB, Commonweath, Bendigo Bank, WestPac, Bank of Queensland etc, over the past few weeks. I guess they figure that eventually, they will name the correct bank for a sucker customer?

Oh yeah, and the expiry date was before the email even arrived this afternoon.

 
« Last Edit: March 05, 2020, 02:54:42 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16980 on: March 05, 2020, 02:51:50 PM »
Only had one cold caller scammer in the past couple of weeks, not sure if they are on holiday, or if they have blacklisted me?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16981 on: March 05, 2020, 04:43:38 PM »
Mark was doing some gardening in his backyard, when he heard a strange voice calling ...

"Mark! ... Mark!!"

Curious, he climbed onto the back fence and looked over.

There was a lizard running across the ground, being pursued by a dog with a cleft palate....
"Mark! Mark! Mark !!!"
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Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16982 on: March 05, 2020, 08:18:37 PM »
Only had one cold caller scammer in the past couple of weeks, not sure if they are on holiday, or if they have blacklisted me?

They were on a roll the other night here! I reckon I had more than a dozen attempted calls over a 2 hour period.
I blocked the number but that didn't deter them...lol.
Although the number was blocked & I didn't hear any call, I still got a message after each attempt.

They must of got the hint eventually as there were none last night or tonight... :thumbs


        2005 Honda ST1300A
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16983 on: March 05, 2020, 09:32:23 PM »
The last one who called me got a pre-recorded message ...
"Triple zero, please state your emergency, ... Police, Fire, or Ambulance?"

They hung up without saying a word...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16984 on: March 05, 2020, 09:38:47 PM »
A new species of whale has been discovered near Japan





(don’t tell them about it)
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16985 on: March 05, 2020, 10:21:26 PM »
Donald Trump was challenged by the police over his recent Twitter gaffe about meeting the Prince of 'Whales'

He was let off with a cetacean
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16986 on: March 06, 2020, 05:46:25 AM »
On the Channel 7 late news last night, a report about a woman in Queensland who spent around $800 in the past 3 weeks to stockpile 12 YEARS worth of toilet paper for her family!

WTF ????????
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16987 on: March 06, 2020, 07:41:07 AM »
One day a japanese man went to a brothel.
He said: 'I will pay you double for an hour, because I will have many orgasms, maybe 40 or so times in an hour.
When I do, I go outside, take a quick break of fresh air, then come back for the next orgasm.'
The Madam agreed, and the man paid double the normal price.

The man goes to a room, and in less then 60 seconds he came out, and ran outside.
He raced back in again and returned to the room.
This happens about 45 times before the japanese man didn't return.

The Madam walked outside to see what happened to him, and she sees and old lady on the footpath.
'Did you see a japanese man run this way?' She asks.

The woman answers: 'One? There was a whole tourist bus full of them that just left a couple of minutes ago.'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16988 on: March 06, 2020, 08:42:42 AM »
Before you start popping bubble wrap remember the air inside it is from China.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16989 on: March 06, 2020, 12:02:48 PM »
My dentist asked me if I had sensitive toothpaste at home.

I told him that my toothpaste and I don't talk about our personal feelings.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16990 on: March 06, 2020, 12:09:13 PM »
"Dad? Do you know much toothpaste is in a tube?"

"I don't know, son?"

"Enough to circle the handbasin, and go all the way to the kitchen!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16991 on: March 06, 2020, 12:21:19 PM »
Pre-Internet was a golden era.

In those days, only your family and friends knew how stupid you are.

With social media now, EVERYBODY knows!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16992 on: March 06, 2020, 12:24:05 PM »
Can you spare just $2.00?

Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia.
He only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm.
Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow dirt road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes, and only one pedal....

If you send just $2.00 to cover postage costs, I will mail the DVD of it to you.

It's absolutely hilarious!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16993 on: March 06, 2020, 12:35:20 PM »
A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find an old photo dated 1941.

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says:
“It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men, who murdered a great number of innocent people.
They made war, and enslaved other people, and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The child listens and then says: “But look, grandpa, who’s that standing next to them, is it you?
It IS you, grandpa! But what are you doing there? And why are you holding your arm up and out like that?..”

The grandfather answers: “Well boy, they were planning to do all those evil things, and I knew it wasn’t right,
so I raised my hand and I said: “Hey, Whoa! Just a minute there, fellas!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16994 on: March 06, 2020, 02:59:02 PM »
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together.
The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.
Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together, and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow, and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam.
They hugged each other, and they were off.

You see, in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time.
At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went back up to heaven.
He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven.
He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."

St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"

Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco!!!"




 :|||| It's ok guys, I will see myself out....
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Offline STeveo

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16996 on: March 07, 2020, 06:28:33 AM »
Still don't understand why????
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16997 on: March 07, 2020, 06:44:37 AM »
Sure is puzzling, I put it down to 'sheep syndrome'   :o
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16998 on: March 07, 2020, 06:47:53 PM »
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."
Eight months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales.
Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata.
After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it.
Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle.
He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her.

Domestic violins can be a terrible thing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16999 on: March 07, 2020, 06:49:35 PM »
I remember that during the mid-1950s, black and white used to be in harmony.


Unfortunately, that was only on the TV screen.
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