Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3069372 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17000 on: March 07, 2020, 06:53:22 PM »
On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied his answer, and the students examination score....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17001 on: March 07, 2020, 06:58:50 PM »
Sure is puzzling, I put it down to 'sheep syndrome'   :o

Someone probably posted it as a joke on social media and bellends took it seriously and spread 'the word'.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17002 on: March 07, 2020, 11:09:29 PM »
When a boy reaches puberty he says goodbye to his childhood and looks forward to his adultery.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17003 on: March 08, 2020, 08:25:23 AM »
I went for my prostate examination this morning.

After inserting a finger and having a good feel around, the doctor looked at me and said,

"That should be my finger, not yours"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17004 on: March 08, 2020, 08:45:03 AM »
Rumour has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.



Easter Joke... Nailed it.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17005 on: March 08, 2020, 01:28:50 PM »
On our football forum someone asked what position you'd play him.

Why would you have him in your team?  Spends all week with a prostitute, gets hammered on friday, goes awol for two days and suddenly rocks up sunday expecting to be adored by everybody.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17006 on: March 08, 2020, 02:46:53 PM »
Best position on the team for him is left right out.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17007 on: March 08, 2020, 02:59:35 PM »
So, my 3 year old grandson was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room.
When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen.


Does anyone know what detergent will clean blood out of a carpet?
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Online Brock

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17008 on: March 08, 2020, 03:11:28 PM »
A thick paste of Nappy San mixed with chlorine bleach should do the trick, vacuum when dry. Use a carpet cleaner to remove residue. Re-wash again with chlorine bleach in the cleaner. This will disrupt the DNA in the blood, so it cant proved where it came from..
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« Last Edit: March 08, 2020, 06:18:51 PM by Brock »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17009 on: March 08, 2020, 06:04:51 PM »
 :rofl :thumbsup
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17010 on: March 08, 2020, 06:06:26 PM »
Marine foghorn echoing here at the moment, Cruise ship that arrived this morning is just leaving the harbour.


« Last Edit: March 08, 2020, 06:15:44 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17011 on: March 08, 2020, 07:05:39 PM »
Isn't it wonderful that the FBI now handles traffic infringement notices, and allows payments of fines via bitcoin or iTune cards?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17012 on: March 08, 2020, 07:12:32 PM »
The only difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump ...

One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17013 on: March 08, 2020, 07:31:21 PM »
Jesus didn't play in the charity Easter football match because he was suspended at the time.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17014 on: March 08, 2020, 09:50:05 PM »
I saw a guy today with coal dust all over his face, carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17015 on: March 08, 2020, 09:58:11 PM »
A guy and his wife were sitting and watching a boxing match on TV.

A knockout in the first round.

The husband sighed and complained, “That was disappointing, he didn't last for more than 30 seconds!”

“Good!” replied his wife. “Now you know how I feel.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17016 on: March 08, 2020, 10:01:35 PM »
I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17017 on: March 08, 2020, 10:20:50 PM »
People who confuse the words "Burro" and "Burrow"...
... don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17018 on: March 09, 2020, 12:53:06 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17019 on: March 09, 2020, 03:18:40 AM »
Jesus didn't play in the charity Easter football match because he was suspended at the time.

We all have a cross to bear.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17020 on: March 09, 2020, 04:50:26 AM »
I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17021 on: March 09, 2020, 04:58:05 AM »
The last words my grandma told my grandfather were “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17022 on: March 09, 2020, 05:03:49 AM »
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling." But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the lady lifted her hand to her ear and said, “Pardon?”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17023 on: March 09, 2020, 05:07:47 AM »
Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces.

User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password must not have consecutive capital letters.

User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!

Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character.

User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow

Windows : Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17024 on: March 09, 2020, 05:08:50 AM »
Words and phrases can change so much over time

‘Black market’ meant something entirely different 200 years ago.
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