Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3066668 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12050 on:** April 26, 2019, 05:36:04 AM »

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential
as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large
all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond says,
"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12051 on:** April 26, 2019, 05:40:25 AM »

A guy went to his Doctor.

"Doc, every time I have sex, my eyes water. What would cause that?"

The Doc replied "Probably the pepper spray!"

Bodø · « **Reply #12052 on:** April 26, 2019, 06:45:37 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on April 26, 2019, 03:15:19 AM

Bill Short'un reminds me of Simba.

Simba is an African lion, Bill is always fricken Lyin'.

White lyin'?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12053 on:** April 26, 2019, 11:57:34 AM »

Trouble is, he is unaware which side of the 'line' he is on.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12054 on:** April 26, 2019, 12:01:55 PM »

Typical Anzac weather in Portland, (baby weather - wet and windy) rained all day yesterday, and continuing today.
Currently 13, feels like 6.
Not a lot of rain, just continual passing showers of the horizontal variety.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12055 on:** April 26, 2019, 01:09:07 PM »

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.

They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to fetch my slippers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yep, both of them!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12056 on:** April 26, 2019, 01:16:40 PM »

Shadow cat has been asking me to let her outside all morning, I kept saying 'NO!'
Finally, I gave in and opened the door for her.
She took 2 steps outside, a rain flurry blew thru the breezeway, and she bolted back indoors!
Hasn't bothered to ask me again.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12057 on:** April 26, 2019, 04:04:56 PM »

When Dolly Parton passed out on stage it took four guys to carry her off -- two abreast.

If Dolly Parton, Bill Short'un, Clive Palmer and Scott Morrison were all in the same room, there would be three boobs and a country singer.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12058 on:** April 26, 2019, 07:20:49 PM »

The art of political one-upmanship.

Clive Palmer promises every home a golden goose.

Scott Morrison makes it a breeding pair!

Along comes Bill Short'un (Late, as usual) and adds a free unicorn to the deal....

... Then Pauline Hanson states that tax on stockfeed will increase.

(Please explain?)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12059 on:** April 26, 2019, 07:30:47 PM »

Politician greeting between Party Leaders.

"Hi. I'm better than you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12060 on:** April 26, 2019, 07:47:04 PM »

One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the Guinness book of world records.

The first one says "I have pretty short arms", so he goes in and succeeds in being registered.

The second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes in and also succeeds in being listed.

The third one says "I have a very small penis,"

When he came back he asked "Who the hell is Donald Trump?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12061 on:** April 27, 2019, 02:08:14 PM »

I saw a doctor this morning, and he said I am suffering short term memory loss, but I don't believe him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12062 on:** April 27, 2019, 02:08:27 PM »

I saw a doctor this morning, and he said I am suffering short term memory loss, but I don't believe him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12063 on:** April 27, 2019, 02:08:37 PM »

I saw a doctor this morning, and he said I am suffering short term memory loss, but I don't believe him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12064 on:** April 27, 2019, 04:00:46 PM »

So ... you have like 2 million friends on FaceBook?

How do you do that, I mean 2 million ...

That's a lot of time spent sitting in your underwear at 3 in the morning, eating Froot Loops, clicking accept, over and over and over again ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12065 on:** April 27, 2019, 05:40:09 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12066 on:** April 27, 2019, 06:36:20 PM »

I informed my Doctor that I have a calf injury.

He referred me the Vet.

Bodø · « **Reply #12067 on:** April 27, 2019, 06:40:50 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on April 27, 2019, 06:36:20 PM

I informed my Doctor that I have a calf injury.
He referred me the Vet.

I'd have sent you to the abattoirs.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12068 on:** April 27, 2019, 06:42:20 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12069 on:** April 27, 2019, 08:48:55 PM »

ALDI are selling Blonde paint.

It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12070 on:** April 27, 2019, 09:00:42 PM »

Explaining our video games to our grandchildren is difficult.

They'll be playing some futuristic fighting game with incredible graphics on a hi definition 48inch screen, and we will say :
"When I was your age, we had a game with a yellow circle in a maze, and it ate dots and fruit, and then it would be chased by ghosts."

Its hard for them to understand that our screens weren't much bigger than a pad.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12071 on:** April 27, 2019, 09:04:14 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12072 on:** April 27, 2019, 10:36:39 PM »

I must be getting old.

The other night I went to see an X-rated movie, and fell asleep.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12073 on:** April 28, 2019, 04:40:31 AM »

Hotel Translations

Old world charm (No bath)
Tropical ( Rainy)
Majestic setting (A long way from town)
Options galore (Nothing is included in the itinerary)
Secluded hideaway (Impossible to find or get to)
Pre-registered rooms (Already occupied)
Knowledgeable trip hosts (They've flown in an airplane before)
No extra fees (No extras)
Nominal fee (Outrageous charge)
Standard (Sub-standard)
Deluxe (Standard)
Superior (One free shower cap)
Cozy (Small)
All the amenities (Two free shower caps)
Plush (Top and bottom sheets)
Light and airy (No air conditioning)
Open bar (Free ice cubes)
Concierge (Stand with tourist brochures)
Continental breakfast (Free muffin)
Magnificent views (Of the side wall of the building next door)
Ocean Views (If the occupants of the hotel rooms across the road raise their blinds and pull their curtains aside)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12074 on:** April 28, 2019, 04:54:08 AM »

Facts that prove Pauline Hanson is a no-nonsense kind of politician.

She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3066668 times)

Bodø

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