Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924282 times)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15575 on: December 15, 2019, 01:02:47 PM »
Definition of a trophy wife - one which the ears stick out and all the previous winners' names are tattooed on the back.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15576 on: December 15, 2019, 01:10:50 PM »
 ;-* :thumb
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15577 on: December 15, 2019, 02:11:30 PM »
A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon.
The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virgins?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15578 on: December 15, 2019, 03:44:17 PM »
My wife requested some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.


So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15579 on: December 15, 2019, 03:47:33 PM »
A friend confided that he is married to a wonderful cook, a marvellous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.


His bubble burst when I told him that having more than one wife is illegal.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15580 on: December 15, 2019, 04:20:59 PM »
If you cross a bridge with a bicycle, you get across a lot faster than if you'd walked.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15581 on: December 15, 2019, 04:36:25 PM »
If you cross a bridge with a bicycle, you get across a lot faster than if you'd walked.


Not necessarily.



 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15582 on: December 15, 2019, 07:36:06 PM »
Thats not a bridge, its a death trap!  :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15583 on: December 15, 2019, 07:52:12 PM »
I tell my wife to buy good quality products, but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15584 on: December 15, 2019, 07:56:54 PM »
A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product.
So the team asked him what happened.

He explained:
We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and about to die.
In the second image, they are drinking Coca-Cola. In the third one, they are now refreshed and as healthy as ever!

The team thought this was an amazing ad and asked, "Why didn't this work?"

"Crazy Arabs! They read from right to left!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15585 on: December 15, 2019, 08:04:57 PM »
A recent survey has shown that deaf people do not buy newly released products, because they have never heard of them.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15586 on: December 15, 2019, 09:21:17 PM »
Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: "I have some bad news, and some good news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Because of your condition, you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to stay on this diet for the rest of your life."

"That’s awful! What is the good news?"

"You’ll only need to maintain the diet for a month, maybe six weeks at the most."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15587 on: December 15, 2019, 09:26:03 PM »
Tobacco must be the most ecological product in the world.

It kills pollution directly at the source.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15588 on: December 15, 2019, 09:30:12 PM »
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15589 on: December 16, 2019, 04:33:23 AM »
I accidentally locked my keys in the car outside an abortion clinic.

It was VERY awkward to go in, and ask for a coat hanger....
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15590 on: December 16, 2019, 06:23:02 AM »
Do public toilets have locks on the door, so that people won't steal your shit?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15591 on: December 16, 2019, 06:35:01 AM »
Breaking News:

SOMALI PIRATES HAVE STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS.

They've switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink...
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15592 on: December 16, 2019, 02:24:45 PM »
Donald Trump claimed all his trips to Mar-a Lago didn’t cost the taxpayers a cent.

He paid for them with Frequent Liar points.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15593 on: December 16, 2019, 02:34:09 PM »
A quality engineer married an average girl...
​After a tough life with her for two years, he ended with his patience​ ​and finally wrote a note to his father in law...​

​Your Product Not Meeting my Requirements or Expectations.

​The smart father in law replied..​

​Manufacturer Not Responsible.​ Warranty Expired at Age 18.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15594 on: December 16, 2019, 06:23:12 PM »
Two blondes on a motorbike were arguing over which one gets the window seat.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15595 on: December 16, 2019, 06:27:25 PM »
When my wife left me I was upset, lonely, and sad.

So I got a dog, bought a new motorcycle, hooked up with a couple of floozies, and partied all day.

Boy, is she gonna be mad when she gets home from work tonight.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15596 on: December 16, 2019, 06:33:08 PM »
Most people don't buy Harley Davidson motorcycles because they can't afford all the shirts.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15597 on: December 17, 2019, 02:36:25 AM »
One day little Johnny is sitting on the front porch contemplating a bottle of turpentine. A priest walks by and asks Johnny what he's got.

"Well, Father this here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

"Actually, Johnny, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water," the priest responded.
"If I put a couple of drops of holy water on a pregnant women's tummy, she'll pass a baby boy."

"That's stuff-all," Johnny replied. "If I splash a couple of drops of this on a cat's ring, it'll pass a Ferrari!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15598 on: December 17, 2019, 02:46:30 AM »
In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be the reason I keep running down female joggers.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15599 on: December 17, 2019, 02:50:16 AM »
Guy went to buy an assault rifle.

Astonished by the price, he asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"
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