Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3005712 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17925 on:** April 21, 2020, 02:23:12 PM »

According to page 37 in a medical journal that I read at 2.15 pm on Saturday, 11th of November, 2006, too much sex can cause memory loss.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17926 on:** April 21, 2020, 02:29:18 PM »

LSD is a really effective weight loss drug.

I mean, how are you supposed to eat if there’s a purple dragon in the kitchen guarding the fridge?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17927 on:** April 21, 2020, 02:53:40 PM »

Easy British weight loss technique:

Step 1: Initiate Brexit.

Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17928 on:** April 21, 2020, 05:13:26 PM »

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it's just another ... wick in the brawl...

(With apologies to Pink Floyd)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17929 on:** April 21, 2020, 06:05:01 PM »

Increasing Age has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. Glasses of bourbon....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17930 on:** April 22, 2020, 02:07:13 AM »

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Liberal and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.
And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding.
Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the room they were no longer speaking to each other.

She went to bed while he grabbed a spare blanket and went to settle down on the sofa.
After a while she started to feel sorry for the whole silly situation, because after all, it was their wedding night and they were ruining it.

So she cooed softly, "Darling... there's a split in the Labour party, and if the Liberal member stood now, he'd get in easily."

And he growled back, "You're too late! He already stood as an independent, and lost his deposit!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17931 on:** April 22, 2020, 11:43:28 AM »

The bitter southern winter was almost over when one Kiwi shepherd turned to the other and confessed that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flocks.

The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. “It’s great selling the wool in the market, and spending the money on wine and women, eh?”

“That’s not it,” said his companion. “I just can’t wait to see them naked again.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17932 on:** April 22, 2020, 06:10:33 PM »

How many people speak Portuguese in South America?

Brazilians of them!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17933 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:44:03 AM »

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well, this changes everything!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17934 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:44:48 AM »

I saw 4 guys wearing matching outfits, and I accused them of being gay.

They arrested me.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17935 on:** April 23, 2020, 04:22:37 AM »

I saw a book for sale that was titled 'How to live on $5 per day'

The listed price was $8.75

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17936 on:** April 23, 2020, 04:26:05 AM »

I saw another book titled 'How to solve 50% of Life Problems'

I bought two copies.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17937 on:** April 23, 2020, 06:32:54 AM »

I over-indulged in the amber fluid last night.

I saw there was a breatho checking station ahead.
Was about the tenth car in line, so I climbed into the back seat , and sat there.

After few minutes, an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for the alco test.

I said: "My driver ran away after seeing you."

He said: "Then you move the car ahead for the checking."

I said: "No way! As a law abiding citizen, I should not drive while drunk."

Officer looked at me, got emotional and applauded me for my responsible behaviour..
He sent one constable with me to drive me home.

Sometimes you become a genius after drinking.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17938 on:** April 23, 2020, 06:42:14 AM »

Because of this shutdown, the local 'Happy House' has a sign at the entrance.

"Beat it. We're Closed."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17939 on:** April 23, 2020, 12:21:40 PM »

Today is a maintenance day for the bike. Have stripped it down to do some alterations, fix electrics, and fit the new driving lights. Will re-assemble it tomorrow.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #17940 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:04:53 PM »

So what was wrong with the old driving lights, Kev?

You're not having a "bar" of them???

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17941 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:11:13 PM »

Nothing, I am putting more on. To cope with morons!

(Not aligned yet.)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17942 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:13:15 PM »

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #17943 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:38:13 PM »

You'll fry possums with all those, Kev...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17944 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:50:06 PM »

Only the possums who don't dip their lights, Russ

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17945 on:** April 23, 2020, 01:55:03 PM »

I defy anyone to try and use the 'SMIDSY' excuse!

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #17946 on:** April 23, 2020, 04:12:03 PM »

Trouble is, it doesn't matter how many lights you have, none of it makes a difference if a driver doesn't actually look...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17947 on:** April 23, 2020, 04:54:02 PM »

Hoo boy! ... combination is BRIGHT! (this is from above where the beams are pointing)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17948 on:** April 24, 2020, 12:05:37 AM »

"Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole."

... said a Canadian.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17949 on:** April 24, 2020, 03:23:15 AM »

Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month.

As if anyone wants to visit there?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3005712 times)