Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924841 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16025 on: January 14, 2020, 12:36:47 AM »
I'd tell you a joke about Australia Post parcel delivery, but I'm not sure you'd get it.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16026 on: January 14, 2020, 03:34:10 AM »
There catchphrase from the nineties "we deliver" was in itself a joke.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16027 on: January 14, 2020, 05:40:41 AM »
1985. I can remember when my ex once sent a package 'Express' from Ashmore in Queensland, to her sister in Warrnambool, Victoria.

The parcel contained a maternity gown, so wasn't exactly pocket-sized.

- the parcel was discovered sitting on a shelf in the post office in Cannington, Western Australia.
Was delivered in 1989, shortly before I moved back to Victoria.

HAH! ... "we deliver" .... eventually?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16028 on: January 14, 2020, 05:43:40 AM »
Probably mistook Warrnambool for Warburton.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16029 on: January 14, 2020, 06:03:23 AM »
A surge of tourists rushed to ascend Uluru recently, before it was banned.

(I blame the climb-it change?)


Jeff and I climbed Ayers Rock on Saturday, Dec 21 1974, while riding home from Darwin to Whyalla, SA, for Christmas.
We missed cyclone Tracy because we left Darwin a week before Tracy landed.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16030 on: January 14, 2020, 12:43:57 PM »
You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.
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Offline ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16031 on: January 14, 2020, 12:59:29 PM »
The same could be said for ScoMo...  :butt


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16032 on: January 14, 2020, 01:44:43 PM »
Can't expect anything else from a happy-clapper.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16033 on: January 14, 2020, 05:09:20 PM »
A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog.
A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.
The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog order.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16034 on: January 14, 2020, 08:04:21 PM »
A married couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.

After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go.
The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again.

And then he says: "Gentlemen, surely you cannot be serious?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16035 on: January 14, 2020, 10:47:08 PM »
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16036 on: January 14, 2020, 10:59:43 PM »
Doctor: "I'm afraid to say your test results are not good."

Patient: "How bad?"

Doctor: "It depends...  How old are you?"

Patient: "I'll be 24 next month."

Doctor: "No you won't!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16037 on: January 14, 2020, 11:14:07 PM »
The Leaning Tower of Pisa isn't actually leaning...

...they just built it in Italics.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16038 on: January 15, 2020, 03:46:56 AM »
President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed.
Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?'
George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep.
He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed.
"Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.'
Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears.
Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed.
"Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?'
Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theatre more often.'
« Last Edit: January 15, 2020, 09:02:08 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16039 on: January 15, 2020, 09:08:39 AM »
Maybe Trump should have taken Prozac instead of building a wall to handle Hispanic attacks?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16040 on: January 15, 2020, 12:18:09 PM »
I didn't realise the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16041 on: January 15, 2020, 12:26:00 PM »
Kept having my packages stolen by porch thieves, so I ordered a security cam from Amazon to deter/catch the culprit.

They stole that package too.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16042 on: January 15, 2020, 12:58:41 PM »
Your neighbour has a good security camera.  Well, that's what you said last time you told that joke.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16043 on: January 15, 2020, 01:18:56 PM »
You know, ScoMo is very similar to a guy who dresses in wings, and shoots arrows at couples on Valentines Day.


One of the above, is called a cupid stunt...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16044 on: January 15, 2020, 05:31:25 PM »
"Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. I’ll have a refill, please!."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16045 on: January 15, 2020, 06:03:54 PM »
I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it, and left my house to go to work.

Took me 15 minutes to realise I left my car at home.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16046 on: January 15, 2020, 06:14:22 PM »
I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment


Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16047 on: January 15, 2020, 06:15:08 PM »
I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16048 on: January 15, 2020, 08:56:25 PM »
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16049 on: January 15, 2020, 09:17:26 PM »
My wife told me that the word "gullible" did not appear in the dictionary.

I checked, and it was there.

What an idiot she is.
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