Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3066639 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15075 on: November 18, 2019, 04:31:58 PM »
Q: What’s the difference between Cinderella and the Melbourne football team?

A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15076 on: November 18, 2019, 04:42:45 PM »
If someone wants a road tour to visit a good spot within 2 hours of Melbourne, tell them to go to St Kilda, via Punt Road.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15077 on: November 18, 2019, 06:21:18 PM »
A man found a ball while out jogging, and put it in his pocket to take home to his dog ...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his shorts pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15078 on: November 18, 2019, 06:26:22 PM »
Roger Federer would make a good dad, he has a terrific backhand.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15079 on: November 18, 2019, 06:31:53 PM »
Can't fault it.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15080 on: November 19, 2019, 02:19:15 AM »
.. until he reaches break point, and that's still an advantage. :grin
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15081 on: November 19, 2019, 02:48:15 AM »
He'll ace it.
 
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15082 on: November 19, 2019, 06:08:02 AM »
My mates reckon I'm getting fatter.

But in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate lately.
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15083 on: November 19, 2019, 10:21:18 AM »
A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", she asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", she says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15084 on: November 19, 2019, 10:32:06 AM »
A Russian, a Jew and a Somali are sitting under a tree. A beetle lands on the Russian's shoulder.

The Russian throws the beetle at the Jew, the Jew throws the beetle at the Somali, the Somali picks up the beetle and eats it.

Another beetle gets on the Russian, he throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali: "Hey! .. you wanna buy a beetle?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15085 on: November 19, 2019, 10:55:29 AM »
If Trump could resolve world issues with dialogue alone, he wouldn't have married three times, or sacked so many of his staff so often.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15086 on: November 19, 2019, 12:37:07 PM »
President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan called George W Bush in the morning of 911 and said:
"I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call, and show my support and respect to America"

After a pause George Dubbya replied "What attack? I have no news of any attack?"

A dramatic silence prevails...

-  then George heard a quiet whisper... "*Shit! ...  I forgot about the time difference!*  errr.. I'll call back in a couple hours, ok?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15087 on: November 19, 2019, 01:35:04 PM »
They've recently discovered a brand new use for sheep in New Zealand...

They're calling it * Wool *   :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15088 on: November 19, 2019, 04:27:03 PM »
India and Pakistan calling each other out.


A new case of 'Kashmir Outside' ?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15089 on: November 19, 2019, 05:20:04 PM »
An American mistakes a Hindu from India as a Muslim from Pakistan

Indian guy said "Excuse me sir, you seem to have mistaken me for a Muslim from Pakistan?
I belong to 711 not 911."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15090 on: November 19, 2019, 07:18:35 PM »
It was a tough year, but I made it !!!    But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

Economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you, or them .

Hot Wheels & Matchbox stocks are trading higher than General Motors.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents are firing their nannies, and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The CEO of my bank has a weekend job serving the drive-thru at KFC.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15091 on: November 20, 2019, 01:18:53 AM »
Pakistan launches a rocket to the Moon.

Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."


BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15092 on: November 20, 2019, 06:41:35 AM »
A drunk staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left.
When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the centre aisle, muttering under his breath.
Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR friggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died!
Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun, and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing.
He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it.
As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place.

Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left.
When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the centre aisle, muttering under his breath.
Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says,

"Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15093 on: November 20, 2019, 07:03:23 AM »
A woman changed her clothes right in front of me.

I'm not sure if she really likes me, or if she hasn't spotted me in the tree yet?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15094 on: November 20, 2019, 10:24:25 AM »
I am not a big eater of bread but I keep a loaf in the freezer, as sometimes I like a slice of toast.
A single loaf of bread may last me for several months. Today I decided to have some Vegemite on toast.
The tag on the loaf of bread said "Best by July 15 2019"
Out of curiosity, I checked the date on the bottom of the 3/4 full Vegemite jar. "Best by Feb 11 2011"

I guess I don't eat much Vegemite, either?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15095 on: November 20, 2019, 10:59:23 AM »
Just got a text from a friend in Melbourne, he said that the shopping malls are very popular today?

Something to do with air conditioning ....
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15096 on: November 20, 2019, 01:32:46 PM »
Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy clothing distributors replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty.
- Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15097 on: November 20, 2019, 01:37:17 PM »
Mary needed veggies for dinner...
but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over. She sent a text to her husband.
"Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you."

Paul, her husband replied, "Who is Priscilla?"

"Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message."

Paul took a moment, then replied, "But I'm with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?"

Mary couldn't believe it, she had had suspicions for a while. "Where are you?"

"Near the vegetable market."

"Wait I'm coming there right now!" forgetting about smudging her manicured finger nails, and her friends coming over, Mary snatched the car keys and within 10 minutes she was at the market.
"Where are you"? She texted her husband.

"I'm still at the office, but now that you're at the market, just buy whatever vegetables you need...”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15098 on: November 20, 2019, 01:40:14 PM »
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.......
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair and instructs the barber how to cut the boy's hair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you?"

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15099 on: November 20, 2019, 03:03:32 PM »
I have a very vocal cat, Shadow. I only have to raise my hand, and she will speak to me. When I pat her, she purrs, and if I stop, she again speaks.
Some time ago, I recorded her voice and purr, and saved it as an mp3 file.

Fast fwd to today, ... at 3.45 pm, some heavily accented telemarketer rang.....

Unfortunately, he doesn't speak 'cat' .....  :crackup
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