Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3064226 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15100 on: November 20, 2019, 03:16:24 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15101 on: November 20, 2019, 04:54:50 PM »
A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS!

He really, REALLY, has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I really, really have to go, and I can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the police officer, "That is what we call the French Embassy."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15102 on: November 20, 2019, 05:12:53 PM »
A guy sees another guy on the other side of the road and runs towards him
"John! John! I haven't seen you in so long, how have you been?"

"Um, hello, I'm fine thanks but who are you?" the man answered

"Well its me, Frank, don't you remember? We were in high school together!"

"Maybe, are you sure?"

"Yes, you've changed so much! You used to be fit! And you've even grown a beard, and is that a bald patch I see?"

"Wait a second, there's only one problem, my name isn't John, it's Robert!"

"Damn! ...  you've even changed your name?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15103 on: November 20, 2019, 06:11:30 PM »
Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer.
And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.


If he had failed, eventually one of his daughters would have gotten OJ off.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15104 on: November 20, 2019, 10:27:34 PM »
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 40 minutes late, for chrisakes!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15105 on: November 20, 2019, 11:48:46 PM »

Mount Rushmore is the only four-man rock group that don't sing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15106 on: November 21, 2019, 12:18:55 AM »
When your girlfriend asks you "Which of my girlfriends would you want to include in a threesome?"

...you are only supposed to give one name, not two..

In hindsight, I should have replied: "Leanne, or Helen!" ... NOT: "Leanne AND Helen!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15107 on: November 21, 2019, 02:33:52 AM »
Lars returned home from school one day and said to his father:

"The teacher discriminated against me today, because of my nationality!"

His father arced up .. "What happened?"

"Well, I called Johnny a poo-head, and the teacher shouted at me: Oi! ... You watch your viking language, boy!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15108 on: November 21, 2019, 09:05:41 AM »
Met a friend and his blonde girlfriend at the Post Office this morning, he asked me "How's the cats?"
She then asked "What colour are they?"
I replied "One is a tortoiseshell, the other is a Russian Blue."
She then asked "What colour is the russian?"



I should have told her Shadow is tri-coloured ... grey, brown bum, yellow eyes....

« Last Edit: November 21, 2019, 09:17:02 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15109 on: November 21, 2019, 09:27:29 AM »
Another whacky Paki telemarketer just called, trying to sell me subscription to pay tv.

I just said I don't watch tv, don't have a tv.

He argued "EVERYBODY have tv? Why you no watch tv?

I replied "I live in a nursing home, I am 92 years old, and I am blind!"

*5 seconds of silence*

*CLICK*
« Last Edit: November 21, 2019, 09:42:29 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15110 on: November 21, 2019, 11:40:53 AM »
Two Chinese were robbing a distillery.

One said to the other “Is this whiskey?”

The other said “Sure it’s whiskey, but it’s safer than wobbing a bank”.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15111 on: November 21, 2019, 11:45:40 AM »
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade Major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, Comrade Major did quite like your tea gag."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15112 on: November 21, 2019, 11:47:07 AM »
Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.
The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".

The second man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a tool belt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house in years..."


The third man says, "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad as I do... My wife is having an affair with a horse!"

The two other man both look at him with a confused look and demand an explanation.

The third man leans back and says: "It's very simple, boys, when I got home last night, I found a jockey hiding in the wardrobe."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15113 on: November 21, 2019, 11:51:56 AM »
1937.
Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow
They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15114 on: November 21, 2019, 11:53:59 AM »
A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say, is basically due to the fact that they change them every bloody 10 seconds or so.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15115 on: November 21, 2019, 03:31:14 PM »
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert.
The three disabled guys are the only survivors, and are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed.
They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water.
 The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis.

The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first.
So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!

Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side....

Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15116 on: November 21, 2019, 03:33:34 PM »
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15117 on: November 21, 2019, 03:42:03 PM »
Men DO wear the pants in a household...

But their wives choose which colour.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15118 on: November 21, 2019, 03:44:12 PM »
Speak for yourself.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15119 on: November 21, 2019, 03:53:09 PM »
No women in this household either, Bodø :thumb
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15120 on: November 21, 2019, 03:54:05 PM »
"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu, please?"


Waitress: (slaps me across the face) "The men I please, are none of your damn business!!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15121 on: November 21, 2019, 03:56:03 PM »
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...

Yes, it does happen... usually at closing time.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15122 on: November 21, 2019, 04:00:34 PM »
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...
Yes, it does happen... usually at closing time.

A fun game to play in the British Isles is to fill a burst football with rocks and place it on the road outside a pub.  Some drunk can't help himself kick the crap out of it.  They only do it once.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15123 on: November 21, 2019, 04:10:43 PM »
 :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15124 on: November 21, 2019, 09:46:40 PM »
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick.

I said ‘You must be blind.’

He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
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