Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059896 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12225 on:** May 10, 2019, 05:37:24 PM »

The ideal marriage is between a deaf man and a blind woman

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12226 on:** May 10, 2019, 05:38:52 PM »

Getting married is a faster way to transfer funds than electronic banking.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12227 on:** May 10, 2019, 05:44:13 PM »

If you are going touring, and are worried about the weight of your baggage on the bike,

- throw in a few glow worms to lighten the load.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12228 on:** May 10, 2019, 05:52:49 PM »

Courtroom Humor

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a friend had several of her children delivered by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
A. Well, we certainly weren't freefall skydiving!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12229 on:** May 10, 2019, 06:00:37 PM »

Captain Hook had a violent death.

- caused by Jock Itch.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12230 on:** May 10, 2019, 06:10:35 PM »

Two Eskimo hunters were going to get some seals.

One said to the other: "Interesting looking club you've got there, what do you call it?"

"Twelve guage!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12231 on:** May 10, 2019, 08:42:49 PM »

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.
Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.

When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "Then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "My aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "The Chicago Bears never beat nobody!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12232 on:** May 10, 2019, 09:01:38 PM »

Turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble", because they were never taught good table manners.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12233 on:** May 11, 2019, 02:43:46 AM »

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk.
Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.
"So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beer Golfsex."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12234 on:** May 11, 2019, 06:57:17 AM »

Dragged this one from my archives ... this is from 9 years ago!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBaUW5vuE0s&list=FLHYGh39BQZuuo6SPTxBXySA&index=2&t=0s

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12235 on:** May 11, 2019, 09:38:53 AM »

Snow White beckoned Dopey into her bedroom, and seductively suggested: "Draw the curtains...."

Dopey walked away to go fetch some crayons ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12236 on:** May 11, 2019, 02:07:09 PM »

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a slow leaky tyre and a broken fan belt.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12237 on:** May 11, 2019, 02:08:47 PM »

I have found that the quickest way to double your money, is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12238 on:** May 11, 2019, 02:29:04 PM »

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12239 on:** May 11, 2019, 07:20:54 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12240 on:** May 11, 2019, 07:22:43 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12241 on:** May 11, 2019, 07:25:11 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12242 on:** May 11, 2019, 07:46:50 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12243 on:** May 11, 2019, 09:41:49 PM »

Tronald Dump, The Twerkinator.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12244 on:** May 11, 2019, 09:46:54 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12245 on:** May 11, 2019, 09:54:50 PM »

There is this old guy, like, 80 years old. He comes into a hospital and says: "I Wanna donate some sperm."
So the nurse gives him a jar and tells him to come back tomorrow with the sperm.

The next day, he came back but the jar was empty. So, the nurse asks "What happened? Where's the sperm?"
"Well", he replies: "I went home and I tried so hard! I used my right hand and then my left hand. Then my wife tried!

She used her right hand and then she tried her left hand! Then she used her mouth, once using her teeth and once without.
Then we asked our neighbor to come over and she tried with her left hand and then her right hand!
Then she tried with her mouth, once with her teeth and once without."
The nurse gasps.. "Oh dear! You even asked your neighbor?"

The man says... "Yeah..and we still couldn't get the bloody jar open!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12246 on:** May 11, 2019, 09:57:23 PM »

Scrabble.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12247 on:** May 11, 2019, 10:05:02 PM »

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night.
The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever.

In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $1500.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "This is a very expensive hotel. We have golf course, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use them - that's your problem, they were available!" came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $1100.
You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $1100 a session, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife?"
"If you didn't - that's your problem! ... she was available!!!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12248 on:** May 11, 2019, 10:09:21 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12249 on:** May 12, 2019, 02:25:33 AM »

"I'm off to Bingo ... Your dinner is in the fridge!" she said.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059896 times)