Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924179 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15475 on: December 09, 2019, 12:09:07 PM »
Christmas cake recipe
**Required Ingredients:**

* 1 cup of water

* 1 cup of sugar

* 4 large brown eggs

* 2 cups of dried fruit

* 1 teaspoon of salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* Nuts

* 1 bottle of whiskey

**Preparation:**

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Eat two bleggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisisicity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Whatever.
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turnerer. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Have another wup of chiskey or three and go to bed.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15476 on: December 09, 2019, 12:12:15 PM »
Cinderella is going to go out with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

"Absolutely not!" says the Fairy Godmother.

"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are all of these little princes running around."

So the Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. "Okay," she says, "I've turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you'd better be back before midnight, because that's when it will turn back into a pumpkin."

So Cinderella goes out, and the Fairy Godmother waiting ... and waiting ... it;s 12:00; then 1:00; then 2:00.

Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother

"Out," says Cinderella.

"Didn't that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?"

"Yes."

"Well ... what did you do?" asks the Fairy Godmother.

So Cinderella says, "I met the nicest guy ... named Peter Peter something or other...."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15477 on: December 09, 2019, 12:16:36 PM »
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it, and then gently tap the edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer is really messed up now."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15478 on: December 09, 2019, 12:22:47 PM »
She deserves to be punished.  He'll upgrade her computer to windoss 10 when he gets back.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15479 on: December 09, 2019, 01:45:37 PM »
New Matilda readers overwhelmingly don’t like Tony Abbott. Indeed, of the 1,275 readers who voted in NM’s first official ‘Dirty 30’ poll – a vote on the most unpopular federal politicians among the NM readership – Tony Abbott attracted a whopping 94% of the total vote.

That’s basically almost everyone who voted.


In Abbott’s defence, because his surname starts with ‘A’, he was at the top of the ballot paper – how ironic that the ‘donkey vote’ would finally not benefit a politician.

Not far behind Abbott in the House of Reps was – no-one is going to be particularly surprised by this – human potato Peter Dutton, on 90%.

And then there was daylight.


And almost 2 years later, I bet that Tony Abbott continues to lie in bed, every morning.

Source: https://newmatilda.com/2018/02/07/official-new-matilda-dirty-30-list-politicians-readers-love-hate/




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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15480 on: December 09, 2019, 01:52:17 PM »
I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.
The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas".
The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!".
He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it, and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.
So I told them my name was Mocha.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15481 on: December 09, 2019, 01:53:47 PM »
I woke up grumpy this morning.


She hates it when I call her that, but she was.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15482 on: December 09, 2019, 02:01:52 PM »
I just got a new job and I start tomorrow. This morning I realised I needed a new pair of shoes and a new shirt.
I got up, drank some coffee went to Walmart. The sign on the door said, "NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE" so I went home.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15483 on: December 09, 2019, 02:04:57 PM »
After the past 4 days of really nice weather here, including this morning, it's now raining again.
Is Summer over already?



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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15484 on: December 09, 2019, 02:12:31 PM »
Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said "Jump in, I'll give you a lift..."

"RACK OFF" he screamed at me....

'What an ungrateful bugger!', I thought, as i zipped up my backpack, and continued walking.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15485 on: December 09, 2019, 02:41:07 PM »
Two bodies were found inside a trunk this morning.

Police are seeking help from the public,
~ particularly in locating the rest of the elephant.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15486 on: December 09, 2019, 03:28:38 PM »
It's a neverending tusk.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15487 on: December 09, 2019, 03:32:41 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15488 on: December 09, 2019, 03:36:47 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15489 on: December 09, 2019, 06:11:48 PM »
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a litre or two of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15490 on: December 09, 2019, 06:12:51 PM »
This morning I woke up to tap on the door.


My plumber has a weird sense of humour.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15491 on: December 09, 2019, 06:15:08 PM »
A man goes to his doctor: "Help me Doc! ...  I woke up this morning and I've lost my voice!"

Doctor: "Good morning sir. How may I help you?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15492 on: December 09, 2019, 06:16:01 PM »
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a litre or two of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

There's a bike in my shed.  That's all the reason I need.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15493 on: December 09, 2019, 06:16:52 PM »
This morning I woke up to tap on the door.
My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

Nice of him to force it on you.









Think about it.  :think1
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15494 on: December 09, 2019, 06:17:39 PM »
A man goes to his doctor: "Help me Doc! ...  I woke up this morning and I've lost my voice!"

Doctor: "Good morning sir. How may I help you?"

How did he book an appointment or get past the receptionist?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15495 on: December 09, 2019, 06:21:42 PM »
I bought a time travel machine next April.

They no longer make them like they are going to.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2019, 12:59:10 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15496 on: December 09, 2019, 06:25:48 PM »
You're ahead of your time.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15497 on: December 10, 2019, 01:03:38 AM »
Attention America! We Brits have your President!

If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15498 on: December 10, 2019, 01:06:20 AM »
Some people wake up to find messages on their phone, like “Good morning baby”

I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15499 on: December 10, 2019, 01:09:35 AM »
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Doo to thircumsthanthis beyond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
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