Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2927124 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15275 on: November 29, 2019, 01:39:10 PM »
North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...


Trump:~ "WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! ... AND NORTH KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15276 on: November 29, 2019, 02:19:30 PM »
I just called the Tinnitus Hot Line


Damn thing kept ringing
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15277 on: November 29, 2019, 02:26:27 PM »
Wife to husband: "Say something hot to me"

Husband: "**BURN IN HELL!**"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15278 on: November 29, 2019, 03:46:12 PM »
I'm going to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15279 on: November 29, 2019, 05:50:23 PM »
Just watch it disappear into thin air.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15280 on: November 29, 2019, 05:56:27 PM »
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15281 on: November 29, 2019, 06:09:53 PM »
Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. The people in this town are known to be particularly stupid. I think I know a way we can trick them. Take off that saddle and that feed-bag from that horse and put them on me. Then you take the horse and let me do the rest. We'll meet up at our safe house outside of town!".

So they do this. The thief with the horse escapes into the night, and the other thief stands at the hitch - wearing a saddle and a feedbag on his face! Eventually the local farmer comes out of the tavern...

"Where is my horse?!?" the farmer exclaims.

The thief says to him: "I'm right here, don't you recognize me? I used to be a man, just like you. But several years ago I had sex with an evil witch and she cursed me to be a horse for a long time. But the curse is over, now!"

The farmer says "Oh my Lord! What a tragic tale! You've been a horse all these years? My horse? Can you ever forgive me for all the times I whipped you and worked you so hard for my own ease and comfort?"

The thief thought about it for a second and cagily said: Well... I have nothing in this world. If you could give me $50 to help me get back on my feet again, I would really appreciate it!"

So the old farmer gave him the $50 and the thief went on his way.

Several months later the farmer was selling his crops several towns over when he saw his old horse on sale in the market for $50.

To which the farmer replied: "Old boy... you really need to learn to stay away from them witches!"
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15282 on: November 29, 2019, 09:28:05 PM »
My mate told me he doesn't understand cloning.

I said " that makes two of us".
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15283 on: November 29, 2019, 11:48:15 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15284 on: November 30, 2019, 12:01:35 AM »
Drugs and Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy


~ but the Bible says love your enemy?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15285 on: November 30, 2019, 04:44:37 AM »
There was a famous WWII ace in the Pacific, who was notorious for his drinking problem.
After going out on a mission one day, he landed his plane on an aircraft carrier and reported to the commanding officer on his mission.

He said, “Sir, I met five enemy pilots in the air. I shot down the first one, dove right, shot down the second one, dove left, shot down the third, did a loop-de-loop, shot down the fourth, but I made one mistake, and the fifth one got away.”

And the commanding officer replied with a thick accent, “Ah so Yankee flyer, you make more than one mistake!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15286 on: November 30, 2019, 04:56:48 AM »
I did something terrible to mosquitoes, that they will never forget.

I opened the windows and let them all inside, then I closed the windows and slept outside.

It's called confusing the enemy.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15287 on: November 30, 2019, 08:49:33 AM »
The US need two sets of guns to fight an enemy.

One set to issue to their troops, and the other set to sell to the enemy to fight back ... and then pocket the sales tax.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15288 on: November 30, 2019, 12:26:25 PM »
Trump, and an empty soda can, have a lot in common.

They are both easily bent out of shape...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15289 on: November 30, 2019, 03:34:23 PM »
What is an engineer's first job out of college?

Aquathermic treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel in a controlled environment.

Or to put it in lamer's terms: washing dishes while his boss is watching.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15290 on: November 30, 2019, 03:59:12 PM »
A recent study found that the average Australian walks about 1400 km a year. (A little under 4 Km per day)
Another study found that Australians drink, on average, 83 litres of beer per year. (around 300 cc average per day, less than one can)

That means that, on average, Australians get about 16.8 Kms to the litre of beer!

As petrol is cheaper than beer, we get far better economy from our ST's!

Makes perfect sense why we tour, instead of supporting the bar all day.
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15291 on: November 30, 2019, 08:30:05 PM »
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely nothing.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15292 on: November 30, 2019, 11:17:48 PM »
 :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15293 on: December 01, 2019, 06:04:43 AM »
My friend won the industry award for Best Surgical Oncologist.

They said his mastectomy work was breastaking.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15294 on: December 01, 2019, 06:09:54 AM »
What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?















Popcorn

 :popcorn
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15295 on: December 01, 2019, 06:13:37 AM »
The Chinese government finally says "Free Hong Kong"



*With purchase of an Australian industry, of equal or greater value.

Now that China has stepped fwd to buy a major chunk of the Australian Dairy Industry, watch the prices soar.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2019, 06:46:54 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15296 on: December 01, 2019, 06:21:51 AM »
America has the best movie industry in the world.

In the rest of the world, all the best actors play soccer.

Its not only in submarines that you hear the words "DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15297 on: December 01, 2019, 06:27:27 AM »
In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times.
For decades, its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high.

Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town.
He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting dog breeding business.
The man had made a fortune raising the animals, and was willing to unload it for a fraction of its value so that he could retire.

The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels, and had all of the dogs transported to his town.
Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered.
Everyone was happy, but sometimes--especially on the nights with a full moon--the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake.

But, even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say, "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15298 on: December 01, 2019, 06:29:53 AM »
I told my wife we had a pest problem.

But, apparently we have to wait until he’s 18 years old to move out.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15299 on: December 01, 2019, 06:52:40 AM »
I told my wife we had a pest problem.

I thought you kicked her and her mother out.  :whistle
 
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