Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2923444 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15550 on: December 13, 2019, 11:20:00 PM »
A man enters the elevator of a fine hotel and said to the operator, "Ballroom, please"...

A lady standing in front of him stepped to the side and said, "Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn't realise I was crowding you!".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15551 on: December 13, 2019, 11:23:36 PM »
[Phone rings]

Boss: "Why aren’t you picking that up?"

Me: "I always pick it up on the third ring, it makes me seem cooler."

Boss: "PICK IT UP - NOW!"

Me: [Rolling my eyes]"Fine!"[Picks it up]

"Triple zero, -  Fire, Ambulance or Police?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15552 on: December 13, 2019, 11:37:43 PM »
"Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?"
-
"But sir, this is a buffet!"
-
"Pack it up, I said!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15553 on: December 14, 2019, 03:01:02 AM »
Dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.

I learned that many moons ago.
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Online NTRebel

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15554 on: December 14, 2019, 03:59:07 AM »
Morning Kev hope the weather's being kind to you.
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15555 on: December 14, 2019, 06:23:18 AM »
 Morning Paul  :hatwave  Not too bad at the moment, starting to warm up a little altho we still had some sprinkles yesterday. Less than 1mm.
Wasn't heavy enough to keep me from going for a ride, tho.  :thumb
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15556 on: December 14, 2019, 06:47:40 AM »
You're welcome to join us in Middleton Kev.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15557 on: December 14, 2019, 06:52:00 AM »
Thanks Bodø, but out of funds this week. Have a great meet. :thumb
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15558 on: December 14, 2019, 08:03:03 AM »
I know what that's like.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15559 on: December 14, 2019, 08:07:37 AM »
I know what that's like too Scomo doesn't pay enough might have to go and work for Boris seeing as he's back in.
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15560 on: December 14, 2019, 10:42:30 AM »
Patient: "Sometimes I hear a voice, and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?"

Therapist: "That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice."

Patient: "What do you mean?"

Therapist: "There it goes again!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15561 on: December 14, 2019, 10:45:19 AM »
Johnny called his school office, and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Johnny  is very sick, and he can't come to school today."

The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is speaking?"

Johnny replied "This is my Dad."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15562 on: December 14, 2019, 02:24:38 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15563 on: December 14, 2019, 03:19:08 PM »
As the Council parking inspectors coffin was being lowered into the ground, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry pal, the paperwork has already been done.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15564 on: December 14, 2019, 03:28:33 PM »
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?"

The store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15565 on: December 14, 2019, 03:33:09 PM »
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost my wallet with 500 dollars in it. If you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background called, “I’ll offer 200 dollars!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15566 on: December 14, 2019, 03:44:51 PM »
A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an aged 18 year old RARE SINGLE MALT GLENFIDDICH WHISKEY..

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was moving out, his wife asked, "Is it serious..?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.. "In fact, 3 doctors are there already..!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15567 on: December 14, 2019, 05:08:16 PM »
An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness.
When all of a sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:

"You have not followed me for your entire life and have discouraged those who did. Why should I help you now?"

The atheist thinks for a moment before saying:

"Look, five minutes ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15568 on: December 15, 2019, 12:43:08 AM »
NEW TAX CODE

The only thing not yet taxed by the Government is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in a hole.

It has two dependants, but they're nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective June 30, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-9" Pole Tax

6"-7" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15569 on: December 15, 2019, 12:48:07 AM »
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home right now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15570 on: December 15, 2019, 12:51:47 AM »
The coach grimaced as he watched his young footy team.

At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters, is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb f-wit, is it?"

The little boy nodded yet again.

"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there, and explain all that to your mother."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15571 on: December 15, 2019, 12:57:39 AM »
A salesman knocks on a door and a 9 year old boy answers.

The boy is wearing a women’s nightgown, drinking brandy from a snifter, and smoking a joint.

Stunned, the salesman says, "Excuse me, are your parents home?"

The little boy replies, "Whadda you reckon?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15572 on: December 15, 2019, 07:01:44 AM »
In school...

Teacher: What's 5x2?

Little Ahmed: 10.

Teacher: Very good. And what is 5x3?

Little Ahmed: 9

Teacher: No, try again.

Little Ahmed: 8

Teacher: RUN, CLASS, RUN!!!!!!

Little Ahmed: 7
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15573 on: December 15, 2019, 07:14:52 AM »
Jokes about school shootings are usually aimed at a younger audience.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15574 on: December 15, 2019, 07:15:51 AM »
They have discovered that Trump has an unusual medical condition.

His intestines and his brain have interconnected, resulting in a head full of shit.
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