Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060886 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12675 on:** June 19, 2019, 07:05:51 PM »

The reason that most Nuns travel in pairs, is because each nun has to ensure that the other Nun ...

... AIN'T GETTING NONE!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12676 on:** June 19, 2019, 07:15:33 PM »

“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop.
“I just lost one of my main clients and it’s all your fault!”
“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “Congratulations on your new location.”
He calls me up and says to me “What’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!”
“AH!!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty text message from the funeral parlor!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12677 on:** June 19, 2019, 08:02:56 PM »

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord!”

One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food.
Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries, and left them on her porch.

The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “It wasn’t the Lord, it was ME!.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed back “Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!!“

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12678 on:** June 20, 2019, 01:23:42 AM »

Man to his wife:

"If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to,
expect an answer you don’t want to hear!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12679 on:** June 20, 2019, 01:24:58 AM »

There are only two times in life when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

– before marriage, and after marriage.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12680 on:** June 20, 2019, 08:20:25 AM »

Portland
8.20am
3.4°C

Gone back to bed.

No joke.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12681 on:** June 20, 2019, 08:30:09 AM »

My brother was trying to be nonchalant before a speech he was about to give.

“Are you nervous” I asked

“Nah” he said with a yawn “Piece of tea, piece of tea.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12682 on:** June 20, 2019, 01:27:16 PM »

Sarah, Rosemary, and Anne went to a restaurant together to celebrate old times.
“I’ll have some Wonton soup” said Sarah to the waiter.
“Nah” said the waiter waving his hand “you probably won’t like it, it’s way too spicy! Why don’t you try the Garden Vegetable Soup?"
“Alright,” said Sarah. “You know better than me, after all you are the waiter!”
“And how about you Ma’am?” said the waiter turning to Rosemary.
“I think I’ll take the poached fish,” said Rosemary, after carefully examining the menu.
“I don’t really think you’ll like it,” said the waiter, “it’s very bland. Why don’t you try the Rib Steak with Garlic Marinade?
“OK, I’ll have that instead,” said Rosemary.
“And how about you?” said the waiter turning to Anne.
“I don’t know, I can’t decide,” said Anne looking up from the menu, “what do you recommend?”
“Recommend?” said the waiter with a surprised look on his face,
“Who has time to recommend stuff smack in the middle of dinner hour!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12683 on:** June 20, 2019, 01:46:53 PM »

“Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked a friend.

“I should be!” I replied. “I went on one of those high protein diets.
-Nothing but expensive steaks and chops.
And would you believe it?-in just two weeks I lost almost fifty dollars!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12684 on:** June 20, 2019, 04:25:28 PM »

Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
He walked into a restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.” he ordered.

Five minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME? ... I SAID WELL DONE!!!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “That's the first compliment I've had all day!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12685 on:** June 21, 2019, 05:19:56 AM »

Internet and home phone failure here since just after midnight, has lasted over 5 hours, came back online about 5 mins ago, but Telstra claim no outages in the area? My home phone line is still silent, no dial tone.

Bodø · « **Reply #12686 on:** June 21, 2019, 06:14:24 AM »

Look on the bright side, no scammers calling you.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12687 on:** June 21, 2019, 06:42:27 AM »

Unfortunately, they still call on my mobile.

I hope its warmer there than it is here at present Bodø, 6.30 am and only 2.1°C in Portland.
I shifted stuff off the bottom of the fridge to make room to sit, it's warmer in there! (5.3°C)

Still no homephone or internet, I am currently connected through an alternate VPN.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12688 on:** June 21, 2019, 07:10:12 AM »

- And ... at a painfully low speed of 1 Mb per second.

NTRebel · « **Reply #12689 on:** June 21, 2019, 07:54:51 AM »

Lovely and toasty here at 7.10 Kev -0.2 feels like-2.6.

Gadget · « **Reply #12690 on:** June 21, 2019, 02:06:11 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on June 21, 2019, 07:10:12 AM

- And ... at a painfully low speed of 1 Mb per second.

Just did a speed test here. It's a tad slow today.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12691 on:** June 21, 2019, 06:10:26 PM »

Finally have full internet again, after 18 hours of outage.

Telstra deny that there was any problem.

"No outage detected in your area"

BS!

Bodø · « **Reply #12692 on:** June 21, 2019, 07:05:53 PM »

No one reported it because they couldn't connect to it.

NTRebel · « **Reply #12693 on:** June 21, 2019, 09:56:40 PM »

No outage detected because telstra are the outage permanently and they can't detect themselves

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12694 on:** June 21, 2019, 10:35:03 PM »

TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS WHILE PLAYING GOLF

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart
9. Form a loose grip
8. Keep your head down
7. Avoid a quick backswing
6. Quiet please!...while others are preparing to take their shot
5. Stay out of the water
4. Try not to hit anyone
3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you
2. Don't stare while others address their balls
1. Don't let anyone see you take those extra strokes

Come to think of it, don't these suggestions also apply when taking a leak in a public bathroom?

Wild Rose · « **Reply #12695 on:** June 22, 2019, 07:33:03 AM »

Quote from: NTRebel on June 21, 2019, 07:54:51 AM

Lovely and toasty here at 7.10 Kev -0.2 feels like-2.6.

It got down to 1.9 in Toowoomba with a wind chill of -2.8

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12696 on:** June 22, 2019, 07:43:52 AM »

Now THATS cold enough to freeze the nuts off a tractor!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12697 on:** June 22, 2019, 07:47:02 AM »

Telemarketers are back! .. Oveseas call at 7.38am this morning.

I was mildly surprised when in his heavily accented voice, he asked for me by name, but I soon rallied to the cause!

(Could hear many voices in the background of the boiler room)

"I'm sorry," I replied, "But he no longer lives here."

"OH!" said the telemarketer, "This is in regards to an inheritance, Would you have a number where I could reach him?"

I asked him to hold for a couple of minutes while I googled some information, then passed on the number I had found.

He thanked me profusely, and hung up.

Whitehaven Funeral Services (03 8538 1510) in Melbourne should shortly receive a call from this monkey...

NTRebel · « **Reply #12698 on:** June 22, 2019, 07:48:51 AM »

-2.7 feels like -5.5 at7.10am

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12699 on:** June 22, 2019, 08:03:02 AM »

Currently a heatwave here, 4.8°C at 8am, but I believe that the heat could be caused by a truck across the road left with the engine idling.

If anyone is suffering from Global Warming, could you email me some of it?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060886 times)

Bodø

Bodø