Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3064154 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1250 on:** August 04, 2016, 03:44:22 AM »

Random memory from the past, circa 199...7?

Deflated Ego

Some years ago, my nephew Paul, who lived in Adelaide, had a girlfriend from Ballarat. One Christmas, he loaded his little 150 cc dirt squirter onto the rack behind his Rav4, and the pair of them headed to Ballarat to visit her parents. While there he decided to go search for some gold. He took the Rav4 offroad, up and down hills and valleys in the area, finally parked it, and continued his wanderings on the bike. Found a creek, and spent from 11 in the morning till 5 pm panning for gold. Arrived back at Ballarat around 7pm, where the future father in law asked "Whatcha been up to?"
He proudly whipped out a small corked glass tube of liquid, in which were suspended 2 tiny glittering gold specks.
The father grinned, and said "Come out here... wanna show you something!"

He walked out the back door, picked up an old hubcap from the porch, scooped up some dirt from the driveway at the side of the house, and started swirling it under the garden tap.
Within 3 minutes, he extracted 9 tiny points of gold, passed them to an astonished Paul, and said "Add them to your display, will make it look more impressive!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1251 on:** August 04, 2016, 07:56:04 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1252 on:** August 04, 2016, 08:12:48 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1253 on:** August 04, 2016, 08:15:32 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1254 on:** August 04, 2016, 08:16:40 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1255 on:** August 04, 2016, 12:46:43 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1256 on:** August 04, 2016, 09:32:57 PM »

The Government has advised people to watch out that they’re not being sold fake Olympic tickets.

I think I’ll be alright though. My tickets for the men’s wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1257 on:** August 04, 2016, 09:34:15 PM »

A reporter in Rio meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

“No,” says the man, “I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?

Brock · « **Reply #1258 on:** August 04, 2016, 09:42:46 PM »

I may have to look into my tickets for the wheel chair 100 meter back stroke events.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1259 on:** August 04, 2016, 09:50:36 PM »

I was told by an American friend, that the the Mexicans have a very good reason for not sending a team to the Olympics.

~ Lawn mowing is not considered a competitive sport.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1260 on:** August 05, 2016, 01:14:57 AM »

Quite a few years back, I caught 'Steady Eddy' in a live show on stage.

He said at the time that he was going to the Handicapped Olympics.
People started to giggle.

Then he waved his arms around, and said ...
"No no!.. I am not competing, I am one of the Officials!... my job is to jam a stick through the spokes of the wheelchairs at the long jump!"

Some vintage stuff of Steady Eddy...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbGOjmNAsb8

Shiney · « **Reply #1261 on:** August 05, 2016, 01:37:24 AM »

He is awesome

I caught one of his gigs at a sit down comedy club in Brisbane a couple of years ago, the man puts on a great act

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1262 on:** August 05, 2016, 08:09:48 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1263 on:** August 05, 2016, 08:10:25 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1264 on:** August 05, 2016, 08:10:51 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1265 on:** August 05, 2016, 08:12:33 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1266 on:** August 06, 2016, 08:06:10 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1267 on:** August 06, 2016, 08:26:04 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1268 on:** August 06, 2016, 10:35:03 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1269 on:** August 06, 2016, 04:32:32 PM »

They were both 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
Then one day, their good health couldn't help when they splashed out on a rare holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

When they reached the pearly gates St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They glimpsed a maid hanging their favourite clothes in the wardrobe.

They gasped in astonishment when St Peter turned to them and said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man glanced through the window and his breath was quite taken away when he spied a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the green fees?,' muttered the old man.

'This is Heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'And for you it is always free, every day of the year.'

Next they visited the clubhouse and were regaled by a lavish buffet lunch, laid out before them with every imaginable cuisine, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts with free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never become fat or sick.
Just remember - this is Heaven!'

The old man didn't give up easily.
'No gym? No need to work out?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar level or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man turned to his wife and glared.
'You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1270 on:** August 06, 2016, 04:34:59 PM »

A church in the western suburbs is having services led by a high powered preacher from out of town.

Johnno goes to the revival and listens to the new preacher.

After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Johnno gets in line. When it's his turn, the preacher says, "What's your name young man?" He answers, "Johnno."

"Johnno, what you want me to pray about?" Johnno says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Johnno's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Johnno, how's your hearing now?"

Johnno says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday, down at the court house."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1271 on:** August 06, 2016, 04:50:58 PM »

They said that the Arial Skiing at the Winter Olympics was pretty good...

I got in some practice, but I don't think I am anywhere near Olympic standard yet

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1272 on:** August 06, 2016, 04:53:16 PM »

If Women ruled the world.....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1273 on:** August 06, 2016, 05:03:36 PM »

There I was, about to leave the office one day, and I see the senior accountant standing by the Document Shredder, with a quizzical expression on his face.

Always helpful, and eager to please, (and gain brownie points) I asked if I could be of assistance.

He asked "Do you know how to operate this?"

I said, "Sure!.. No problem!" ...and took the hefty file from him... Trying to look super efficient, I fed the entire file into the shredder in one hit.

The Senior added "I spent the last month researching that document... I need 4 copies, ok?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #1274 on:** August 06, 2016, 05:17:26 PM »

Seeing as we are not allowed to give the kids a clip under the ear to pull
them into line, I have been researching ways to regain control of the kids.

I found that taking them away from the xbox, TV, gameboy, etc, and taking them for a drive, works wonders.

Here's a pic of one such excursion.

~ Notice how compliant and subservient he appears to be?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3064154 times)