STORIES FROM THE MIDLANDS OF ENGLAND
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
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19 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed.
Police are attributing the blame to Al' IKEA.
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Also up north, a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute.
He shouted to his missus,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Manchester United.”
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My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."
The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Cans of lager and women with big tits."