Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[ruSTynutz]

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny Honda ST1300.
“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”

[ruSTynutz]

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot.
So now he's handicapped.
I know he's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore.
I've now realized something important about myself...
I'm lack-toes intolerant.

[ruSTynutz]

When it comes to motorcycle jokes, I triumph every time...

[ruSTynutz]

Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...
Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

Cop says "Ok, you will have to tell me exactly what that is because I have never heard of that"

So the guy says "well, when someone comes in for a rectum stretching, I tell them to drop their trousers and I start lubing them up.
Once I can get a finger in there, I move up to my hand, then my arm. Once they are open wide like that, work gets easier and in no time, I can stretch them up to 6 feet"

Cop says "And what the hell would you do with a 6-foot ass-hole?"

"Well" the guy says "you mount him on a motorcycle, give him a radar gun and put him on the side of the highway"
 

[ruSTynutz]

Dear readers, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision...

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving. It's as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? :/

I once picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Honda ST1300 next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of oil leaking from the shaft drive unit.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it to the dealer?

[Kev Murphy]

Crazy Asian approached me and said: "Yozip pardown ... kanse yonutz!"

I replied "Sorry mate, I don't understand you." and walked away.

Then I felt the breeze....

[Bodø]

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny Honda ST1300.
“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”

And the ST is unlikely  to change its mind.

[Kev Murphy]

Humans have 206 bones in their body.

And we think our dogs love us for no reason?

[Kev Murphy]

He turned the TV off when the game finished, and went outside to where the wife was mowing the lawn.

"Hey, whats for dinner tonight?" He asked.

She exploded "How dare you ask that! You sit around watching TV all afternoon while I am doing the gardening, and expect me to cook as well?
Why don't you pretend I am out of town, and do the cooking yourself!"

So, he went back inside, cooked a steak and was eating it when his wife came in.

"And where's MY steak?" she demanded.

"I thought you were out of town?" he replied.

[Kev Murphy]

A salesman was traveling across the country when his car started making a funny sounds.
He knew he needed to take it to a mechanic, but knowing nothing about cars he was afraid of getting screwed.

So he came up with a plan. He stopped at the nearest gas station/shop and told the old mechanic "Now listen here bud, I'm a mechanic so I'll know if you're trying to screw me. Normally I'd fix the car myself but I don't have my tools with me, so I just want it fixed for an honest price, no funny business."

The old mechanic put this ear to the hood and carefully listened. After a second he said "You need thumb oil."

Flabbergasted, the man said "What kinda fool do you take me for? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and drove off in a huff.

The other mechanic came out of the shop "What was that guy's problem?"

The old mechanic said "He thaid he wanted honetht advithe, and I told him he jutht needed thumb oil!"

[Kev Murphy]

Imagine a Nascar fan.

The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

... and her husband.

[Kev Murphy]

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu?

Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today.

Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

[Kev Murphy]

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.

[Kev Murphy]

I'm learning how to play the neurotic guitar.

It's a lot like an acoustic guitar, but it's a little more high strung.

[Kev Murphy]

Not too bad a day here today... be a good day for a BBQ? ... 16 degrees, ... BUT ... (feels like 7.9 with wind chill, and its raining, as usual.)

[Kev Murphy]

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.

"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.

"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.

The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.

"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.

"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

[Kev Murphy]

As he knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of a sexy blonde, he couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey perv!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" he said. "I don't even work here!"

[Bodø]

[Kev Murphy]

Gets my stamp of approval.

[Kev Murphy]

While sitting on a bus, one of my family photos fell from my wallet and landed between a womans feet.

When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to get a photo from under your skirt".

[Kev Murphy]

For our wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, pinned it to the wall, and gave my wife a dart.

I said we'd go wherever her dart lands!

I'm happy to announce that in October, we're going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the skirting board in the hallway.

[Shillas]

I have a few racing geese to give away if anyone is interested.

Let me know if you want a quick gander.

[Shillas]

I was going to post a joke about Sodium.

Then I thought Na, people wouldn't understand it.

[Kev Murphy]

I sold my homing pigeons last month.



Five times!

[ruSTynutz]

Not too bad a day here today... be a good day for a BBQ? ... 16 degrees, ... BUT ... (feels like 7.9 with wind chill, and its raining, as usual.)

Beautiful day here!
I should've gone for a ride...