Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3020957 times)

Shillas · « **Reply #17775 on:** April 12, 2020, 08:13:23 PM »

As a symptom of coronavirus is loss of taste and smell I am self-diagnosing with regular doses of particularly delicious wine. So far I am clear but constant testing is essential.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17776 on:** April 12, 2020, 09:56:06 PM »

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital in an ambulance, because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17777 on:** April 12, 2020, 10:08:52 PM »

A coal mine caved in this morning.

Everyone got out ok, and the company said it was just a miner inconvenience.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17778 on:** April 12, 2020, 10:14:00 PM »

Two guys are fishing one day, and they both decide to take a leak. So they go over to the edge of the dock.

In the middle, one man says to the other, trying to brag about the size of his genitalia, “Hey, the water is pretty cold!"

The other guy replied without missing a beat, “Yeah, and bloody deep, too!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17779 on:** April 12, 2020, 10:32:59 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17780 on:** April 13, 2020, 01:42:50 AM »

"When is the baby due?"

Pregnant librarian: "Oh, this is mine. I get to keep it."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17781 on:** April 13, 2020, 01:47:26 AM »

Two communists are in a nudist club, reclining in the nude in bamboo chairs.

One turns to the other and asks "Have you read Marx?"

The other replied: "Yeah; wouldn't have happened if these were padded couches!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17782 on:** April 13, 2020, 01:57:47 AM »

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day.

Teach a man to fish and ... he has to go buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, floats, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, sun glasses, fish finders, boat, trailer, 4x4 to tow it, depth sounders, radar, global positioning systems, ice coolers, and multiple six-packs of beer.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17783 on:** April 13, 2020, 02:07:54 AM »

A man, who is sentenced to life imprisonment, decides to dig a tunnel to escape.
He works for many months on this tunnel, and finally completes it.
He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this.
As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground.
He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free!, I'm free!"
At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "Big deal! I'm four!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17784 on:** April 13, 2020, 07:12:51 AM »

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.
I've heard it's nice.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17785 on:** April 13, 2020, 10:04:47 AM »

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office to go home.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17786 on:** April 13, 2020, 10:08:37 AM »

My Boss drug tested me.

Turns out his weed is better than mine.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17787 on:** April 13, 2020, 10:11:11 AM »

A local company has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if they didn't produce chainsaws.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17788 on:** April 13, 2020, 10:12:53 AM »

My last employer treated me as part of the family...

After being with them for 18 years, they kicked me out!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17789 on:** April 13, 2020, 12:02:47 PM »

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Peter: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Little Johnny: "I want to help Margaret!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17790 on:** April 13, 2020, 03:43:37 PM »

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

Anns are green....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17791 on:** April 13, 2020, 05:45:53 PM »

Why are priests fat?

Too much Mass.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17792 on:** April 13, 2020, 05:51:41 PM »

Little Johnny called his dads mother in law a 'fat cow' during dinner, and got slapped upside the head by his father.

But not hard.

As was agreed

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17793 on:** April 13, 2020, 05:59:14 PM »

Today the Doc told me how to burn 7,700 calories (a kilo of fat) in my sleep!

I only have to sleep for about 9 days.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17794 on:** April 13, 2020, 06:03:59 PM »

I saw a fat woman standing at the bus stop.

I asked her "When is it due?"

She went into a right rage and said "I am not pregnant you ignorant bastard!"

I said "I was asking you about the bus, you fat cow!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17795 on:** April 13, 2020, 06:09:45 PM »

If you are depressed, try drinking 2 litres of water before going to bed.

That will give you a damn good reason to get up in the morning.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17796 on:** April 13, 2020, 07:49:03 PM »

I got 10 litres of gas today, for only $3.50

Unfortunately, it was from a Maccas cheeseburger.

Shillas · « **Reply #17797 on:** April 13, 2020, 09:27:03 PM »

This morning I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for the poor thing.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17798 on:** April 13, 2020, 11:43:57 PM »

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years.

Therefore, if you chug a gallon of gasoline, you'll never have to eat again for the rest of your life.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17799 on:** April 13, 2020, 11:55:27 PM »

Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores.

He stands 6ft tall, and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?

Meat. He's a butcher. He weighs meat.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3020957 times)