Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3066394 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11326 on:** March 03, 2019, 02:27:48 AM »

This is one that younger people will never understand...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11327 on:** March 03, 2019, 04:50:06 AM »

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus.
We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the results of the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "Second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11328 on:** March 03, 2019, 04:49:45 PM »

President of Mexico sings about Trump, (with fake apologies to Pink Floyd)

Sings... "All in all, you're just another prick with a wall"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11329 on:** March 04, 2019, 07:44:34 AM »

What does Trumps wife make him for dinner?

... a table reservation at Maccas.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11330 on:** March 04, 2019, 07:50:17 AM »

Bodø · « **Reply #11331 on:** March 04, 2019, 10:16:36 AM »

Apologies if I was driving it.

Shillas · « **Reply #11332 on:** March 04, 2019, 10:42:32 AM »

Quote from: Bodø on March 04, 2019, 10:16:36 AM

Apologies if I was driving it.

You have a history of running over people do you?

Bodø · « **Reply #11333 on:** March 04, 2019, 10:48:16 AM »

No. Too much paperwork.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11334 on:** March 04, 2019, 12:07:35 PM »

My ex complained that I never listened to her.

... or something like that.

She started a new argument the other night,
took me a couple minutes to realise it was just a continuation of the same argument from the day before.

Bodø · « **Reply #11335 on:** March 04, 2019, 12:29:19 PM »

Mine said that once. I thought what a weird way to start a conversation.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11336 on:** March 04, 2019, 07:32:00 PM »

Random memory from when I was a 12 year old.

Dad wasn't exactly subtle.

My 19 y/o sister was dating. Peter came round to visit one evening, and when it reached 10.30 pm, my father strode to the front door, opened it, and stood there vigorously winding the alarm clock.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11337 on:** March 04, 2019, 08:43:20 PM »

Cannes Film Festival?

This is the Cans Choir...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11338 on:** March 05, 2019, 02:37:33 AM »

In an elevator, and someone dropped one. Thankfully not stinky, nor overly loud, but loud enough for everyone to notice.
Everybody started darting suspicious glances at each other, trying to determine who was responsible.

There it was again!

One guy reached into his pocket, pulled out his mobile and started chatting away.
That's when the penny dropped.

Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'Ringtone', doesn't it?

Bodø · « **Reply #11339 on:** March 05, 2019, 04:17:40 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 04, 2019, 08:43:20 PM

Cannes Film Festival?
This is the Cans Choir...

Need better speakers. Sounds a bit tinny to me.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11340 on:** March 05, 2019, 04:21:35 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11341 on:** March 05, 2019, 08:13:32 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11342 on:** March 05, 2019, 12:15:09 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11343 on:** March 05, 2019, 12:30:42 PM »

In my lifetime, Aussie politics has gone from Ben Chifley to Scomo.

I believe that within the next ten years, we will be voting for a gum tree or a wombat.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11344 on:** March 05, 2019, 09:57:41 PM »

Idiot telemarketer rang me this evening, trying to sign me up for pay TV. Aussie boiler room, number now blocked.
I dont even have a tv, I watch the news online.

He was trying to sell me sports view "So you can keep up with all the sports, the football, horse racing etc"
I said "Well, first of all, I have no interest in sports whatsoever, and secondly, I do not have a TV"
What? .. why don't you have a TV? ... EVERYBODY has a TV!"
"Not me" I replied
"Why not?" he asked.

Time to get rid of him... I said "Because I am 92, and I live in a nursing home because I am BLIND!"

He hung up. 😊

Score...1 to me, zero to him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11345 on:** March 05, 2019, 10:53:53 PM »

A very tired nurse walked into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the shocked teller and without missing a beat, she says: "Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some ass has got my pen!"

Brock · « **Reply #11346 on:** March 05, 2019, 10:58:38 PM »

I had a tele whoesit trying to sell solar panels, the latest in 3KW sytems ( If I wanted one, I would get 5KW any way). Told him not interested, so he said why not it saves money?? I have solar says I. Oh, how much.....

5 Gigawatt says I .... stunned silence followed by click..

I wonder how much roof space I need for 5 GW, and how do I sell it to my neighbors... should be worth a few beers.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11347 on:** March 05, 2019, 11:06:03 PM »

I had them knocking on my door here about solar, Brock. ... OBVIOUSLY rental units..

I tell you, some of these doorknockers have less mental capacity than a fish fart.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11348 on:** March 06, 2019, 07:23:28 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11349 on:** March 06, 2019, 08:19:34 PM »

Who thinks up this stuff?

Name That Christmas Carol.

Clues:

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Answers:

1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3066394 times)

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