Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now.
My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest.
It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my head."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory.
Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

[Kev Murphy]

A stewardess on a flight overheard a young girl ask her mother:
"Mummy, do big planes have baby planes?"
The mother replied smugly "No, but you will have to ask the stewardess to explain that one"
The girl approached the stewardess "Excuse me, but why don't big planes have baby planes?"
She replied "Because we always pull out on time... now go and ask your mother to explain that one!"

[Kev Murphy]

Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

[Kev Murphy]

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face.

Damn jojoba’s witnesses!

[Kev Murphy]

As I was watering the plants, my wife said to me:
"When you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about what I found on your phone!"

It's been 4 days now, and I'm still in the garden watering the plants.

[Kev Murphy]

What IS it with cold calling 'overseas' telemarketers? THREE calls so far today.
I wasn't in a mood to play, so I just let them ring out...

My number is an unlisted, silent number. (But published below for your convenience)

Maybe they got my number from here?

[ruSTynutz]

Maybe they got my number from here?

Quite possible, I reckon... 
I suspect many of the "visitors" to this forum are "bots"....

[Kev Murphy]

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines.

One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...
The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden
Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.

One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained.
Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that day, the gardener reported back to the blonde.

"Oh! You're so quick!", remarked the blonde, "How did you manage to water the plants that fast?!"

"Well ma'am," responded the gardener, "I didn't water the plants today."

"Wha-", gasped the blonde, "But why not?!"

"You see...", noted the gardener as he pointed to the garden, "it's raining now, so...."

"QUIT YOUR EXCUSES!", the blonde angrily retorted, "GET AN UMBRELLA!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

The American flag that was planted on the moon has turned white, due to solar radiation.


Will future lunar visitors think that the French got there first?

[Kev Murphy]

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.

When you're intelligent, you'll know which half !!!

[Bodø]

Half?  That's an exaggeration.

[Kev Murphy]

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

[Bodø]

Actually I don't think Sherlock ever mentioned that phrase.

[Bodø]

Beam me up Scotty was never mention in Star Trek either.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

'Beam me up, Scotty'

Despite the phrase entering into popular culture, it is a misquotation and has never been said in any of the television series or films, contrary to popular belief. There have, however, been several "near misses" of phrasing. In the Original Series episodes "The Gamesters of Triskelion" and "The Savage Curtain", Kirk said, "Scotty, beam us up"; while in the episode "This Side of Paradise", Kirk simply said, "Beam me up". The animated episodes "The Lorelei Signal" and "The Infinite Vulcan" used the phrasing "Beam us up, Scotty". The original film series has the wording "Scotty, beam me up" in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and "Beam them out of there, Scotty" in Star Trek Generations. The complete phrase was eventually said by William Shatner in the audio adaptation of his non-canon novel Star Trek: The Ashes of Eden.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

I just googled "Tramp" instead of "Trump" by mistake.
I still got the information I needed.

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits
The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘You’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier reaches over to the shelf.

‘Wait!’ Says the Hobo, ‘Have you got one from the fridge?’

[Kev Murphy]

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots.
Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new, so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit.
He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight while he commenced with the rest of his chores around the ranch.

Later that afternoon when Roy returned home he found that a mountain lion had snuck down out of the hills and had mauled and gnawed the ever-living crap out of his new, prized boots. Well Roy was so mad he was fit to spit.
He went inside and grabbed his hunting rifle and whistled for his dog, Bullet.
He and Bullet jumped in the ranch jeep and headed up into the hills to hunt down that no-good puma.

After tramping around for a bit, Bullet picked up the mountain lion's scent and before you knew it Roy had him in his sights.
One quick shot later the dead cat was tied across the hood of the Jeep, and Roy headed back down to the ranch.

When he pulled up in front of the house his wife, Dale Evans came outside and exclaimed,:
"Pardon me Roy? Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

[Kev Murphy]

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

[Kev Murphy]