Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060412 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14951 on:** November 07, 2019, 10:38:56 PM »

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time.

I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree, and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace.

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14952 on:** November 07, 2019, 10:58:59 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14953 on:** November 07, 2019, 10:59:49 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14954 on:** November 08, 2019, 03:16:17 AM »

A man went to the Christmas Tree Store to pick out the perfect family tree.
He found the best one in the store, and said to the salesman:

‘I’ll take this one!’

‘Excellent choice!’ says the salesman, ‘Are you going to put it up yourself?’

‘Hell, no!’ explains the man, ‘I’m putting it by the window in the loungeroom!’

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14955 on:** November 08, 2019, 08:41:18 AM »

The most popular type of tree in California at the moment seems to be the Ash.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14956 on:** November 08, 2019, 08:50:45 AM »

They say your body is a temple.

Mine is the Temple of Aphrodite...

... Destroyed and in ruins

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14957 on:** November 08, 2019, 12:02:22 PM »

A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing store. At the end of the year, I gave $1000 to the temple.

Business was booming. I opened up a second store, and at the end of that year I gave $3000 to the temple.

Now, I'm nationwide. I have 1200 stores coast to coast, and last year I donated $10 million to the temple.

So don't worry. He'll find us!"

Shillas · « **Reply #14958 on:** November 08, 2019, 12:51:28 PM »

I heard the other day that funeral parlour workers are tying together the shoelaces of everyone they bury.

Their theory? If the dead come back as zombies, it will be hilarious.

Shillas · « **Reply #14959 on:** November 08, 2019, 01:10:45 PM »

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

Bodø · « **Reply #14960 on:** November 08, 2019, 01:17:06 PM »

Quote from: Shillas on November 08, 2019, 01:10:45 PM

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

Especially if your shoelaces have been tied together.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14961 on:** November 08, 2019, 03:08:21 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14962 on:** November 08, 2019, 03:33:21 PM »

Open your eyes, dammit! ... and stop pretending you're my shadow!

Shillas · « **Reply #14963 on:** November 08, 2019, 04:12:01 PM »

Quote from: Bodø on November 08, 2019, 01:17:06 PM

Quote from: Shillas on November 08, 2019, 01:10:45 PM
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

Especially if your shoelaces have been tied together.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14964 on:** November 08, 2019, 04:38:54 PM »

Luke Skywalker went to the Jedi temple.
Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialised, and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, so asked him what the matter was.

Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage.
It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastically.
We fight all the time, and we never seem to do anything together anymore.
I'm starting to think there's someone else here too, like she's cheating on me. Ben, I'm not sure what to do."

Obi-Wan responded "Use divorce, Luke"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14965 on:** November 08, 2019, 04:54:13 PM »

Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other.
The Catholic priest says, "My greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners."
The Rabbi says "My sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple."
The Islamic imam says, "My sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot."
The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"

Bodø · « **Reply #14966 on:** November 08, 2019, 05:01:54 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on November 08, 2019, 04:54:13 PM

The Rabbi says "My sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple."

So did he find this Jew?

Quote from: Kev Murphy on November 08, 2019, 12:02:22 PM

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing store. At the end of the year, I gave $1000 to the temple.
Business was booming. I opened up a second store, and at the end of that year I gave $3000 to the temple.
Now, I'm nationwide. I have 1200 stores coast to coast, and last year I donated $10 million to the temple.
So don't worry. He'll find us!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14967 on:** November 08, 2019, 05:21:42 PM »

I don't know, we are not on speaking terms.

Bodø · « **Reply #14968 on:** November 08, 2019, 05:29:20 PM »

I know. The baptist told me.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14969 on:** November 08, 2019, 08:21:02 PM »

My wife hit the roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was a self-inflating dinghy?

Shillas · « **Reply #14970 on:** November 08, 2019, 08:48:29 PM »

When I die, I’d like the word “ Humble “ to be repeatedly emphasised at my State Funeral.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14971 on:** November 08, 2019, 09:20:28 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14972 on:** November 08, 2019, 09:36:27 PM »

They say white men can't jump.

After the recent floods in New Orleans, black men can't swim, either.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14973 on:** November 09, 2019, 04:58:16 AM »

Husband: "The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches"

Wife: "OK, just throw them out"

[Later]
Husband: (While helping the kids pack a suitcase)
"Look, I'm as surprised as you are"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14974 on:** November 09, 2019, 08:06:28 AM »

The main difference between Presidents Reagan and Trump, is that Reagan promised to tear down a wall, and was believable!

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060412 times)

Bodø

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