Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Valentines special! $500.00

We come in full police uniforms and flashing blue lights.

We arrest you in front of your wife the day before Valentines, and take you away.

Package includes boat, fishing license, rods reels lines and bait, tent, esky filled with beer, and all necessities for a 3 day break.

[Kev Murphy]

A little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?"

"No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies."

"No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.

The next day the little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?"

"No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful snickerdoodles and cookies with macadamia nuts in them."

"No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.

So the baker decided to make some cookies with fish in them.

And sure enough the next day...the little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?"

"Why yes I do." said the baker, proudly.

"Oh, YUCK!" said the bunny.... "Who the hell would buy those disgusting things!!!"

[Kev Murphy]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour...
....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

[Shillas]

My wife left me because she thinks I'm insecure.

No wait. She's back. She just went to get more wine.

[Kev Murphy]

My ex was full of it (Whine that is, not wine)

[Kev Murphy]

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.

I used shampoo in the shower, and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.

Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning, "For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.



I got rid of shampoos, and started using dish washing liquid instead.

Its label reads "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."



Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash, called "Knees and toes."

[Kev Murphy]

A very explicit Australian term.

The single word, 'bullshit'.  There are so many times that this word fits into a conversation.

I had the chance to use the word 8 times to a Paki?/Indian? heavily accented scam cold caller today, when he stated that my internet was about to be closed down. (Oh yeah, and the FBI is involved again!)

Damn, I feel elated that I got so far under his skin, that he resorted to far more colourful language. 

[Shillas]

After dinner last night, my wife asked if I could clear the table.

I needed a little run up, but I made it.

[Kev Murphy]

Spot on! 

[Kev Murphy]

A friend and I were at a bar. As the night progressed, tensions were flared between us and another group of rather large gentlemen.

It got a bit heated, and they eventually starting sizing us up and squaring up to us. They became extremely aggressive and wanted to fight.

My friend looked at me and said “Pretend we’re the police!”

I got halfway through the first verse of 'Don't stand so close to me', before we got our heads kicked in.

[Kev Murphy]

A bloke had strange symptoms, went to an Asian Doctor.

He explained "I have this bad cough, and every time I cough, I blurt out random Chinese words?"

The doctor replied "Ah so! ... Sound rike Hu Ping cough!"

[Kev Murphy]

The owner of a business in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings, darlin!"

[Kev Murphy]

A man in South Carolina has a flat tire, so he pulls off on the side of the road places a bouquet of flowers both in front of the car and behind it.
Then he gets back in the car to wait. A passerby studies the scene as he drives by, and is so curious that he turns around and goes back.
He asks the fellow what the problem is.

The man replies, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asks, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responds, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

[Kev Murphy]

I love playing Justin Bieber music loudly, because my neighbours and myself detest his music, and I have earplugs.

[Kev Murphy]

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.

I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"

"What, in case I crap myself?" She replied.

"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't open."

[Kev Murphy]

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.


Changed his ideas when I smashed him in the face with a coconut.

[Bodø]

That may have made him cry but did it make you cry?

[Kev Murphy]

Yeah... I jammed my thumb!

[Kev Murphy]

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time. Finally the last one is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it about 10 feet, walks up and whiffs one swing at it and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet. She walks back to her bag, selects a different club, walks back to the ball and hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those effing lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

[Kev Murphy]

Trump attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Montana.
He said he wasn't there to speak to the Native Indian chiefs, but to listen.

Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Party back into the hearts of the people, and how he was going to legalize marijuana, and the many ways that he was going to help the First Nations. At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd cheered wildly and then the head of the First Nations band presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - 'Walking Eagle'. A very proud and pleased Donald then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds...

A news reporter from CBC later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Trump.

They explained that 'Walking Eagle' is the name given to a bird so full of crap that it can no longer fly.

[Kev Murphy]

A guy had been meaning to phone his boss and ask for a raise, but his boss is a very strict man, and doesn't take kindly to be asked for money.

Cellphone in hand, he selected the right contact and stared at the screen, unsure whether to make the call or not.

Seeing this, his dog approached, looked him in the eyes, and said:

"Come on, do it! Sometimes you have to be the alpha, and hunt down that raise. I could use the premium kibble you would be able to afford"

He looked down at the dog:

"Not on your life. You are too fat, dog"

The dog didn't relent:

"You don't have the balls to make that call"

He smirked at the dog:

"Neuter do you"

[Gadget]

Congratulations Kev!


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Kev Murphy]

Thanks to all who have supported me, really appreciated. 

[STeveo]

 

[Wild Rose]

Congratulations Kev it was great to here your name read out
Well done