Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3020494 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15250 on: November 28, 2019, 10:38:41 AM »
My wife screamed "You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"



What a weird way to start a conversation?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15251 on: November 28, 2019, 10:41:13 AM »
According to propaganda, Kim Jong Un has read every single book.



Must be the reason North Koreans call him the 'supreme reader'.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15252 on: November 28, 2019, 10:45:04 AM »
One of my next-door neighbours is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s.
Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door, and he asks me if I have seen his wife?

Which means that seven days a week at 9 a.m., I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s, that his wife has been dead for quite some time.

Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning.
But to be honest, it’s worth it, just to see the smile appear on his face at the news.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15253 on: November 28, 2019, 10:48:38 AM »
A man and a woman were travelling in a train.

She said: "Every time I see you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place!"

Man: "Awwww ... Are you single?"

Woman: "No... I'm a dental surgeon."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15254 on: November 28, 2019, 10:53:02 AM »
People who prefer single ply toilet paper...?



I guess it helps you stay in touch with your inner self.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15255 on: November 28, 2019, 12:20:12 PM »
Cop "Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle."

Rider: "What do you mean, three people?"

Cop: "Yes, three people. Now please, all three of you get off that motorcycle."

Rider: "OH MY GOD!"

Cop: "Sir?"

Rider: "Where the hell are Jim and Jenny!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15256 on: November 28, 2019, 01:48:05 PM »
When I get bored, I create stuff like this... :grin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcCxOSSE1pc&feature=youtu.be
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15257 on: November 28, 2019, 02:07:07 PM »
An overweight woman who refused to admit that she was, changed her mind when she stepped on her 'I speak your weight' scales, and it started swearing at her: "One at a time, one at a time, please!"
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15258 on: November 28, 2019, 02:45:52 PM »
Another blast from the past... circa 1995

I was on the Bol dor 900 travelling to Adelaide to visit my mother when I suffered a road rage attack.
Heading up the east side of the Adelaide hills when a clown in a cage overtook me and then brake checked me.
I pulled around him and kept going. He repeated this twice more. He next came alongside, and tried to push me off the road.
The bike can accelerate faster than the car, so I pulled away. He chased me, so I pulled over where it was safe, and waited...
He pulled in hard, and jumped from his car. No idea what set him off, but another car pulled in behind him and 2 uniformed officers stepped out.
First time I have ever witnessed a police officer pull a gun.
He said to me "On your way, ride safe. We saw the whole thing and will take it from here."
As I rode away, they had the guy on the ground and in handcuffs.

I still have no idea why this guy cracked?


:think1 Maybe he was a terminator from the future who came back to get because of some of your more appalling jokes?  :Stirpot :grin
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15259 on: November 28, 2019, 02:52:14 PM »
 :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15260 on: November 28, 2019, 03:36:28 PM »
Yeah you're going to hell.  I'll bring the beers.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15261 on: November 28, 2019, 04:15:50 PM »
Different strokes for different folks, huh? :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15262 on: November 28, 2019, 06:33:46 PM »
Big Koala at my mates fence earlier today.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15263 on: November 29, 2019, 09:46:15 AM »
Statistics show that someone in the UK gets stabbed every thirty seconds.

You would think that the poor bugger would have left Britain by now.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15264 on: November 29, 2019, 09:52:07 AM »
The boss called a meeting.

He said "For this new contract, I need someone someone I can trust, someone reliable."

One employee jumped to his feet, and replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable!"

The boss mumbled "Yer, but your first name is Un "
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15265 on: November 29, 2019, 09:58:42 AM »
They say you’re not the same person you were 5 seconds ago, nor will you be the same person 5 seconds from now.

I beg to differ.

5 seconds ago, I was browsing google. 5 seconds from now, I’ll still be browsing google, but somehow 2 hours will have passed.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15266 on: November 29, 2019, 10:00:50 AM »
Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster.


St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15267 on: November 29, 2019, 10:07:01 AM »
Darth Vader had a daughter named Elle.
Elle Vader.

Her life was full of ups and downs.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15268 on: November 29, 2019, 10:10:26 AM »
On the 252nd day of the 31st year of your life, you turn one billion seconds old.

No one ever celebrates it?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15269 on: November 29, 2019, 10:29:33 AM »
I celebrated my 10'000th day.  I think I was twenty seven at 5he time.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15270 on: November 29, 2019, 10:31:10 AM »
Also, a billion is a number with two distinct definitions, so it depends on what scale you use.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15271 on: November 29, 2019, 11:30:56 AM »
Maybe use a fiche scale to confuse it even further... but it still depends what size fish? :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15272 on: November 29, 2019, 12:06:58 PM »
An African politician visited a remote village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs, honorable Sir", replied the village leader.

"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."


On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while, he told them not to worry.
"A doctor will be here tomorrow. What is your second problem?"


"...Secondly Sir, we do not have any phone reception anywhere in this village."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15273 on: November 29, 2019, 12:20:41 PM »
The supreme leader of North Korea always attends missile test launches.


Seems irresponsible to me, to have Un supervised missile launchings?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15274 on: November 29, 2019, 01:33:21 PM »
There are two ways to learn how to dance.

One is to attend classes with trained instructors, but it takes many lessons and is time consuming.

The other is to remove your shoes, and step from the car barefoot onto the hot asphalt in mid summer.
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