Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2927385 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15000 on: November 11, 2019, 12:02:35 AM »
Looking back through history, it seems the 7th Panzer Division won the 1940 Tour De France.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15001 on: November 11, 2019, 12:03:13 AM »
France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA because they had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15002 on: November 11, 2019, 01:30:27 AM »
There's a very logical reason the French eat snails.


They're not keen on fast food.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15003 on: November 11, 2019, 01:31:43 AM »
A Zen Buddhist spent two days climbing a mountain peak.

When he reached the summit at sunrise of the second day, he sat cross legged on the ground facing the rising sun,
held his hands palm upwards, and began praying.. "Ommmmm,    Ommmmmmmmm"

Then he immediately stood to his feet again, and started back down the mountain.


... Must have just been a breakfast Ommmmmelette.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15004 on: November 11, 2019, 03:12:05 AM »
Ancient Roman galley...

The guy with the whip addresses the galley slaves.

"I have good news and I have bad news."

"The good news is, all you guys get extra bread this morning."

"The bad news - this afternoon the Captain wants to go water skiing."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15005 on: November 11, 2019, 03:42:02 AM »
Negro with a motorcycle.

Kick starting:- "Nigger-Nigger! ... Nigger-Nigger!

Engine fires:-  "Ba boong, boong, boong, boong!"

Revs it up:- "Coon!, coon!, coon!, coon!"

Drops the clutch and races away with gear changes:- "Blaaack!, blaaaaaaaaaK!, blaaaaaaaaaaaak"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15006 on: November 11, 2019, 09:29:04 AM »
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me an arm and a leg!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15007 on: November 11, 2019, 02:27:57 PM »
Scientists claim that dolphins are second to man in intelligence.

Does that means women just got pushed to 3rd place?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15008 on: November 11, 2019, 02:30:08 PM »
Two anglers were sitting in a boat
A windsurfer passed by them. Suddenly the windsurfer fell and disappeared in the water.
The anglers hurried to the spot and threw their nets out in an attempt to save the windsurfer.

Finally they caught something and pulled a lifeless body into the boat.
They started to blow air into his mouth and performed CPR on him.

"Eww!" the angler blowing air into the mouth said "This guy has really bad breath!"
"Wait a minute!" the other angler said "We've got the wrong guy. This one is wearing ice skates!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15009 on: November 11, 2019, 06:36:47 PM »
Bloke walked into a bank and said "I would like to open a joint account"

"Certainly, sir, and how much would you like to put into it?"

He produced an envelope and passed it over.

The teller opened it, and discovered that it contained marijuana.

The bloke said "There's  about 150 grams there."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15010 on: November 11, 2019, 07:04:33 PM »
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me an arm and a leg!

No skin off my nose.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15011 on: November 11, 2019, 07:43:40 PM »
A man is shaving with a straight-edged razor, when the razor slips from his hands and lops off his penis.
He gathers it up, stuffs it in his pocket, rushes outside and hails a cab, telling the driver to get him to the emergency room fast.

There he tells the surgeon what happened and the surgeon says,
“We’ll have to work quickly. Give it to me.”

The man reaches into his pocket and deposits its contents in the surgeon’s hand.

“But this is a cigar,” says the surgeon, “not a penis?”

And the man says, “Oh, my God, I must have smoked it in the cab!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15012 on: November 11, 2019, 09:25:59 PM »
What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank?

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest.

A sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15013 on: November 11, 2019, 09:38:15 PM »
An old Indian walks into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan.
Clerk: 'What are you going to do with the money?'

Indian: 'I'm going to go into the city and sell my handmade jewellery.'

Clerk: 'Do you have collateral?'

Indian: 'What's collateral?'

Clerk: 'Collateral is something of value that can cover the amount of the loan. For example, do you have a car?'

Indian: 'Yes, I have a 1949 Ford truck'

Clerk: 'That won't do. Do you have livestock?'

Indian: 'Yes, I have a horse'

Clerk: 'How old is it?'

Indian: 'I don't know, it doesn't have teeth.'


After some negotiations, the Indian and the clerk settle on collateral.
The clerk does all the paperwork and gives the Indian $5000.


A few weeks later, the Indian returns to the bank, walks up to the same clerk, takes out a huge wad of bills and returns the loan.

Clerk: 'I see your jewellery sold well. What are you going to do with the rest of the money?'

Indian: 'I will keep it in my teepee.'

Clerk: 'No need to do that. You can make a deposit in our bank.'

Indian: 'What's a deposit?'

Clerk: 'A deposit is when you give money to the bank, the bank cares for it, and when you want it, come back to the bank and get your money.'

Indian (after thinking for a moment): 'And what does the bank have as collateral?'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15014 on: November 12, 2019, 12:49:53 AM »
A Norwegian goes to a psychiatrist

"What brings you in today?"

"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Björn"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15015 on: November 12, 2019, 12:56:36 AM »
Two guys meet in a shopping mall, each trying to find his wife.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, tight bouncy bum, a massive lust for sex and the face of a model. How about yours?"

The second man replies: "Screw her, lets go search for yours instead!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15016 on: November 12, 2019, 05:42:14 AM »
An american walks into a Swiss bank...
The bank is very busy so he had to wait his turn.

After a long delay he finally moves up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.

He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"

The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "Oh don't worry sir! You don't have to whisper?
Its no shame to be poor in Switzerland."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15017 on: November 12, 2019, 05:46:02 AM »
Adam, feeling shame at his nakedness, covered himself with a fig leaf.
Eve too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf.

Then she went behind a bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, an oak, some grapevine, and several other 'mix and match' combinations in various autumn shades. (with matching shoes, hats and handbags)
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 06:05:25 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15018 on: November 12, 2019, 09:32:14 AM »
Singers wanted.

- in choir at your local church.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15019 on: November 12, 2019, 09:40:20 AM »
Bono, the lead singer of U2, is known for being self-righteous ...
... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.

At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.


Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.
Holding the audience hostage in total silence....
He said into the microphone; "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet;

"Well, fookin' STOP DOIN' AIT THEN!, ya evil bastard!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15020 on: November 12, 2019, 01:54:30 PM »
Who decided to call it a 'Dental Xray'

... and not a tooth pic?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15021 on: November 12, 2019, 09:31:20 PM »
One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle.
The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.

"Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting with my brother in law."

The man responded "No way! Did you get anything?"

"I sure did, we were in the African jungle when we suddenly stumbled upon a monstrous crocodile. He was a mean one too.
With scars all over his face this was surely one bad croc. My brother in law said he wanted to wrestle it and take a picture afterwards.
So he crept right up to it, until they were face to face, nose to nose, eye to eye, tooth to tooth.
The giant croc stretched its massive jaws preparing to take a bite out of my brother in law.
Naturally I couldn't let that happen so I raised my rifle and shot him, right between the eyes."

"Amazing!" said the man.

"Yeah and I had this fancy belt made after I got back to our camp."

"Oh wow! So the belt is genuine crocodile skin?"

"No, the belt is made out of genuine brother in law"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15022 on: November 12, 2019, 09:49:40 PM »
Wife : "Why don’t you treat me like you did when I was your girlfriend?"

The next day, he took her to an Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then a movie, then dinner at a restaurant, followed by ice cream.

Later on, he dropped her at her parents house and went home.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15023 on: November 13, 2019, 05:16:46 AM »
A guy was exploring the highlands of New Guinea when he suddenly found himself surrounded by headhunters.

"Oh crap!" he thought "I'm screwed!"

Then a voice in his head said: "No you're not?.. grab that spear held by the leader of the tribe, the man to your left, and kill him!"

He grabbed the spear, and killed the man.

A hush fell over the tribe.

The voice in his head said: "*NOW* you're screwed!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15024 on: November 13, 2019, 05:22:22 AM »
A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he reports to his CO and notifies the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk, and asks why there's a tent in his room.
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