Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

[Kev Murphy]

Today is the shortest day of the year... roll on longer daylight hours, and more helmet time (I don't like riding in the dark)

[Kev Murphy]

One day during an individual class the teacher asked his pupil, a boy at the age of 8:

“How does your mom treat you at home?”

“If she sends me for bread, I am a puppy, if I must go to bed I am a kitten, if I must wake up early I am a cocky. ... But if I get a bad report at school I am an ass."

[Kev Murphy]

Today is definitely the shortest day of the year... I just took a cold shower to verify it.

[Kev Murphy]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Bloody Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

[Kev Murphy]

[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?"

Salesman: "No, Car no do that. Car go road only."

[Kev Murphy]

They are making a film about Harry and Meghan moving to the US

"Where Regals Dare"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay..'

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for the past 51 years.

[Kev Murphy]

click on image to enlarge, for easier reading of text.

[Kev Murphy]

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Co as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

[Kev Murphy]

My best buddy Matt just texted me... he is a Grand dad as of ten minutes ago.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

My girlfriend’s so fat, when she fell over in the sand she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.

She was eventually woken by a lifeguard, who asked her to move back because the tide was waiting to come in.

[Kev Murphy]

A lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store.
She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??"
The butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

[Kev Murphy]

Cold night here, only 3 degrees at 10.30pm. Foggy.

[Kev Murphy]

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered:
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research.
It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them!

[Kev Murphy]

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
 
Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date, I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
 
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you, he turned up at my bungalow punctually at 7 oclock, dressed like a gentleman
in a fine suit, and he brought me a lovely bunch of flowers!
 
Then he takes me downstairs, and outside my bungalow a limousine was waiting, uniformed chauffeur and all.
 
Then he took me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show, let me tell you, Dorothy,
 
I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we get back to my bungalow, and he turns into an ANIMAL.
 
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!'
 
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'
 
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

1       Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2        hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3        wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4        thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5       finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6        measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7        breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8        vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9        knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10      classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11      dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12      promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13      executed as soon as possible.


Addendum......
The idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.