Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924729 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14125 on: September 23, 2019, 11:31:02 PM »
No use trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions, they just won’t listen.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14126 on: September 23, 2019, 11:32:16 PM »
Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke, people just laugh at me.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14127 on: September 23, 2019, 11:36:56 PM »
Some jerk knocked on my door tonight, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”.

I told him to rack off!

Stupid fireman.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14128 on: September 23, 2019, 11:38:54 PM »
My missus hates it when the woman next door swims naked in her pool, and sunbathes topless.

Personally, I’m on the fence.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14129 on: September 23, 2019, 11:40:50 PM »
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure of the lyrics, but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14130 on: September 24, 2019, 01:07:41 AM »
A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"
"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14131 on: September 24, 2019, 01:09:02 AM »
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14132 on: September 24, 2019, 05:29:39 AM »
I've never understood school shootings



I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
« Last Edit: September 24, 2019, 09:03:10 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14133 on: September 24, 2019, 09:12:45 AM »
I had this joke about constipation and dementia, but tough shit, I've forgotten it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14134 on: September 24, 2019, 12:20:04 PM »
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies in disbelief. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver have had enough and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14135 on: September 24, 2019, 12:23:17 PM »
Despite a troubled marriage, sources say Sharon Osbourne kissed Ozzy at a LGBT event.
 - though Sharon just thought she was showing support for LGBT, by kissing the closest thing to her that looked like an old woman.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14136 on: September 24, 2019, 12:25:39 PM »
You order your first ever pizza, and you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

It's called the domino effect...
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14137 on: September 24, 2019, 12:33:04 PM »
Nope, I  have never had withdrawal sypmtons from pizza.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14138 on: September 24, 2019, 12:33:39 PM »
My wife told me I spend too much time on the internet.
She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me browsing online.

I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinx
                                                                 nsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m

&:&ndjc

                                                                                      kl,AJSDBCpvH N=MD'089 sew4n'5 ca

                   hsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14139 on: September 24, 2019, 12:34:04 PM »
Nope, I  have never had withdrawal sypmtons from pizza.

Sushi on the other hand... don't go the raw prawn with me.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14140 on: September 24, 2019, 04:08:08 PM »
I bought a bunch of antique ceremonial spears online.

When I received them, all the spear heads were missing?

I think I got shafted.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14141 on: September 24, 2019, 05:35:27 PM »
What do you call a man with a brick stuck up his backside?

An ambulance, due to the fact that he seems to have a rather serious injury.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14142 on: September 24, 2019, 06:24:41 PM »
Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jefferson?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jefferson is way taller."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14143 on: September 24, 2019, 08:27:49 PM »
Yoda was the pilot, Luke Skywalker was curious as to their location?

Luke: "Yoda?... are we going in the right direction?"

Yoda: "Off course, we are!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14144 on: September 24, 2019, 09:03:54 PM »
There was once a family who lived a stones throw from my home, but they all died of mysterious head injuries?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14145 on: September 24, 2019, 09:07:37 PM »
What is the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A Rolling Stone sings "Hey you, get off of my cloud!",

while a Scotsman shouts "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14146 on: September 25, 2019, 02:24:45 AM »
Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another.

I dunno how, but they started breeding.

Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

So I threw them all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it into the river.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14147 on: September 25, 2019, 02:30:25 AM »
An ancient Egyptian launched a successful rock quarry business.

The original pyramid scheme.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14148 on: September 25, 2019, 03:09:17 AM »
A man tells his psychiatrist that he’s depressed, and that he would like a prescription for medical marijuana.

The doctor nods and says, “Fine, fine. But first, why do you think you’re depressed?”

The man replies, “Well doc, I ran out of weed.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14149 on: September 25, 2019, 03:26:45 AM »
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot.

Bloody thing would never shut up.

Her parrot was pretty cool, though.
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