Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Never bet on a Bob the Builder fight.


... Because he will fix it.

[Kev Murphy]

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I got in a fight when she said I was man-splaining.

But I think she just miss-understood

[Kev Murphy]

Their was a fight at the sea food restaurant

... battered fish all over the kitchen.

[Kev Murphy]

If two vegans have an argument, is it considered a beef or a beet down?

[Kev Murphy]

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, GPS, bluetooth audio, reverse warning signals, laser-headlights, fwd and backward facing cameras, etc... they are even fitted with turn signals, but the drivers are unaware of this feature.

[Kev Murphy]

The man who invented cats’ eyes reflectors to make the roads safer at night got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

If the cat had been going the other way, he probably would’ve invented the pencil sharpener.

[Kev Murphy]

Three guys chatting.

The Canadian said "We have a bar in Montreal, where your first drink is free!"

The Kiwi said "There's a bar in Auckland that you get every 5th drink gratis!"

Paddy said "Canna beat a place I know in Dublin, where you drink for free all night, and then they give you free sex before ye go home!"

"Did this happen to you, Paddy?"

"Nah!" he replied, "My sister!"

[Kev Murphy]

Trumps effort of being driven around the Daytona track in his limo only proves that he is not interested in NASCAR racing, but he wants to be the 'Grand Prix' 

(Translated, 'Big Prick')

[Kev Murphy]

I remember how my uncle died..

He was driving a Double-B rig which was overloaded with replacement machinery parts late at night down a long, narrow, icy road in the middle of winter in almost pitch black conditions with no working headlights.

He swerved suddenly, and  BAM!





Heart attack.

[Kev Murphy]

A driver gets stopped by a cop.

Cop: "I'm gonna have to give you an alcohol test, but I forgot to bring the breatho, so we'll just try something different."

Driver: "Fine by me."

Cop: "Imagine you're driving at night, and you're seeing one headlight coming your way. What is that?"

Driver: "Well, it's probably a motorcycle."

Cop: "Be more specific! What sort of motorcycle? Is it a Harley, a Honda, a Yamaha...?"

Driver: "How would I know?"

Cop: "Aha! You're looking pretty drunk to me. Let's be sure. You're driving at night and you're seeing two headlights coming your way. What is that?"

Driver: "It's a car!"

Cop: "Yes, but what kind? Is it a Chevy, a Nissan, a BMW..."

Driver: "How the **** would I know!? I think *YOU'RE* drunk! Let me give you that same test.
Imagine you're driving at night, and you're seeing a half-naked woman standing by the roadside. What is that?"

Cop: "Well, it's probably a hooker."

Driver: "Yes, but which one? ... Your wife, your mother, your daughter...?"

[Kev Murphy]

What gift did the boy without any hands get for Christmas?


Nobody knows, he hasn't managed to open the package yet.

[Kev Murphy]

ISIS has really good retirement package.


I've heard it's the bomb.

[Kev Murphy]

Scientists say that the Yellowstone super-volcano is overdue for an eruption.

Apparently that volcano has eruptile dysfunction.

[Kev Murphy]

Scientists have found that the leading cause of dry skin is bath towels.

[Kev Murphy]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

[Kev Murphy]

Returning home, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised.
She frantically telephoned the police and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and sat down on the steps and burst into tears.

Putting her face in her hands, she sobbed: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND cop!"

[Kev Murphy]

What runs faster than a burglar with your TV?

His bro with the DVD player.

[Kev Murphy]

Santa fell off his sled and broke a leg, but he knew he would be well looked after because he had private elfcare.

[Kev Murphy]

They installed a new machine down at the gym.

I used it for an hour but it made me feel  sick.

It’s great though, got everything.

KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, Crisps, Mars Bars, Cherry Ripes, Freddo Frogs, the lot!

[Kev Murphy]

My wife was really disappointed to find out the reason why my nickname at school was “The Love Machine"


It’s because I am a lousy tennis player.

[Kev Murphy]

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.
And promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

[Kev Murphy]

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.






... unlike the woman, who just went jogging past my window!

[Kev Murphy]

I was going to tell you a joke about cash vending machines,
... but I can't think of one, ATM

[Kev Murphy]

I purchased a Time Machine at ALDI a couple of weeks ago,

... because my old kitchen clock had failed.

[Kev Murphy]

Obviously, an erectile dysfunction..