Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3045086 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16825 on: February 26, 2020, 01:05:45 PM »
There's only thing worse than a cold public toilet seat.

- a warm public toilet seat.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16826 on: February 26, 2020, 01:08:49 PM »
Turkey denies Armenian genocide, because they can't accept the failure - the Kardashians are still alive.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16827 on: February 26, 2020, 01:14:21 PM »
One Kiwi shepherd turned to the other, and said "I can hardly wait until it's time to shear the flock again."

The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
“It’s great to sell the wool in the market, and spend the money on wine and women, eh?”

“That’s not it,” said his companion. “I just can’t wait to see them naked again!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16828 on: February 26, 2020, 01:23:24 PM »
A new guy is thrown into Prison. He is sharing the cell with a long-time resident, who looks about 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a summer residence in Miami, had two boats, four fine cars, the companionship of many beautiful women, and I ate in the best restaurants in the world."

The new man asked, "What happened?"
"Ah well," the old man replied, "One day, Riley reported that his credit cards were missing!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16829 on: February 26, 2020, 06:02:05 PM »

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can do it, I can do it. He steps out of the boat, falls into the water, and drowns.

Jesus frowns, looks at Chuck and says "You think we should have told him about the rocks?"

Chuck looks back and says "What rocks?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16830 on: February 26, 2020, 06:07:21 PM »
I was fishing the other day, when a massive hand slowly raised from the water, and then slowly disappeared...

I thought, "That's the biggest wave I’ve ever seen!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16831 on: February 26, 2020, 07:44:51 PM »
My friend took me water skiing behind his boat.

When I fell, my foot got caught in the line, and he thought it would be funny to drag me around like that for a few minutes.

With friends like that, who needs enemas?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16832 on: February 27, 2020, 06:04:59 AM »
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved.
But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down,
and this forest will look as bald as my head."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory.
Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16833 on: February 27, 2020, 06:16:28 AM »
Having frequent sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on the bottom half of page 37 in a medical journal on Sunday, 4th August 2013 at 4:19pm, while resting on the couch in front of the TV during the Collingwood / Essendon match at the M.C.G.
Collingwood won by 79 points.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16834 on: February 27, 2020, 10:47:06 AM »
Todays email scam.  Supposedly from Netflix. (Based in Mumbai?)
Why would I have a 'pay for view' service, when I already have over 25 thousand movies on my computer?

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16835 on: February 27, 2020, 10:51:21 AM »
Doctor: "You have an infection that causes short term memory loss."

Me: "Is it contagious?"

Doctor: "Is what contagious?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16836 on: February 27, 2020, 10:53:00 AM »
After 20 years of marriage, my wife asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together.

I said "For god’s sake woman, make up your mind! ... which one do you want?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16837 on: February 27, 2020, 11:54:35 AM »
My young son swallowed a 32GB memory card, and he is singing all songs stored in it.


I just pray he doesn't reach the video folder.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16838 on: February 27, 2020, 11:09:52 PM »
One good thing about getting old and losing my memory.
I can hide my own Easter eggs.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16839 on: February 27, 2020, 11:51:35 PM »
Those memory foam pillows are the worst.


As soon as I put my head on one of them, I start remembering all the things I screwed up during the day.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16840 on: February 28, 2020, 12:07:09 AM »
The moon landing was staged.

It was shot by Stanley Kubrick, and the only reason it looks so real, is because Kubrick insisted on filming on location.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16841 on: February 28, 2020, 03:43:09 AM »
Of Course the Moon Landings Were Staged.

I've never heard of a single staged rocket ever reaching the moon.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16842 on: February 28, 2020, 03:44:42 AM »
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16843 on: February 28, 2020, 04:33:07 AM »
Earth has a word of advice to all the other planets in the universe.


GET A LIFE!!!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16844 on: February 28, 2020, 04:38:20 AM »
Fifty years ago, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in town to marry me.


All three said no.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16845 on: February 28, 2020, 10:18:42 AM »
But why did ET get stuck on Earth in the first place?


He left his phone home.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16846 on: February 28, 2020, 10:25:43 AM »
David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church.

He wished to observe the predators up close, in their natural habitat.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16847 on: February 28, 2020, 11:51:04 AM »
I asked a blonde out for a dinner date.

She said, “I wouldn’t date you, if you were the last person on Earth...”

I replied “Well, of course not! ...  DUHHHH!, you’d be dead!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16848 on: February 28, 2020, 11:54:12 AM »
If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon, because everything it touches turns to crap.

That's why it's called Colonisation.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16849 on: February 28, 2020, 12:15:50 PM »
My buddy has just pulled in and parked his truck, we are going to dinner to celebrate his 18th birthday. Will report later.
Tomorrows date is his actual birthday.
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