Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2921312 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16650 on: February 17, 2020, 12:33:28 AM »
Here's a free joke about dead batteries

There’s no charge.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16651 on: February 17, 2020, 12:37:48 AM »
I'd tell you a joke about masturbation, necrophilia and bestiality. but it would be like flogging a dead horse.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16652 on: February 17, 2020, 05:24:40 AM »
I was sitting at the stoplight when a drop dead gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled her window down.

I rolled my window down and smiled at her . . .

She said, “What? Did you fart too?”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16653 on: February 17, 2020, 11:43:30 AM »
An old couple were praying in church with everybody on a Sunday, when the old dear let out a sneaky fart.
She turned to her husband and whispered:

“I’ve just dropped a 'silent but deadly' ... what should I do?”

He husband quietly replied:

“We'll drop by the servo on the way home and get some new batteries for your hearing aid”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16654 on: February 17, 2020, 12:54:23 PM »
Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly, that even resting beneath it will kill you within a few minutes.


It's known as the water lily.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16655 on: February 17, 2020, 06:14:37 PM »
Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce

he's a rocket man.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16656 on: February 17, 2020, 06:17:23 PM »
Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un 'Rocket Man', when next Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16657 on: February 17, 2020, 06:22:06 PM »
If Microsoft made Medication...

10. Anyone who took them would be more vulnerable to catching viruses.

9. The drugs would cause you to collapse into unconsciousness at random times. This would be known as a "system crash."

8. It would be hard to tell if you were taking the right drug, because Microsoft would make all its medication look exactly the same - square and gray.

7. Even though Microsoft says their drugs are "Gulp-and-Go" compatible, only certain people can take Microsoft drugs. Anyone else who tries to take Microsoft drugs dies immediately. The only way to tell if you're compatible with Microsoft drugs is to take them, and see if you die.

6. You would only be able to buy Microsoft drugs from Microsoft pharmacies.

5. The drugs would have hundreds of side effects, all of which would be identified only by esoteric numbers that no one understands.

4. You would never know when you would suffer the dreaded Blue Spleen of Death.

3. Every time Microsoft released a new batch of the medication, the old pills would stop working.

2. Whenever someone identified a problem with the medication, instead of fixing the medication, Microsoft would release other drugs for you to take, to fix the problems with the first one.

1. No one could take non-Microsoft drugs, because Microsoft would design its drugs to have lethal interactions with other manufacturer's drugs.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16658 on: February 17, 2020, 06:25:30 PM »
When you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek ...

That's a moray!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16659 on: February 18, 2020, 01:23:51 PM »
Whole bunch of rowdy clouds outside, flying past in their thunderwear.

Big change from this morning, when I was cruising around the town shops dressed in T shirt and tracky daks.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16660 on: February 18, 2020, 03:50:22 PM »
Football, meat pies, kangaroos and ...

... Toyota SUV???   :||||
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16661 on: February 18, 2020, 04:12:54 PM »
No Holden. :Stirpot :Stirpot
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16662 on: February 18, 2020, 04:31:57 PM »
I'd rather have a Toyota over a holden any day.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16663 on: February 18, 2020, 08:29:00 PM »
Remember the days when they shared models? :think1

We had the Toyota Lexcen which was a Commodore with Toyota badges and Holden Astras & Apollos which were rebadged Toyotas...
Then of course we had Holden Barinas that were rebadged Suzukis...Oh, and of course Holden also used Nissan Engines in the VL Commodore... :rofl


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16664 on: February 18, 2020, 08:47:15 PM »
On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked at a hotel that advertised that it was within walking distance of the beach.


You can’t imagine how far Kenyans can walk.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16665 on: February 18, 2020, 09:08:02 PM »
I was going to repaint the walls in my flat, but was unsure how much paint I would need.

The guy next door has an identical flat, and he repainted his recently, so I asked him how much paint he purchased?

He said that he bought 5 cans, so I went to the hardware store and bought 5 cans also.

3 weeks later, I was talking to the neighbour, and told him that I finished painting my place, but I had 3 cans of paint left over?

He said "That's odd? ... So did I!"

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16666 on: February 18, 2020, 09:12:07 PM »
You didn't use enough coats.

I was going to repaint the walls in my flat, but was unsure how much paint I would need.

The guy next door has an identical flat, and he repainted his recently, so I asked him how much paint he purchased?

He said that he bought 5 cans, so I went to the hardware store and bought 5 cans also.

3 weeks later, I was talking to the neighbour, and told him that I finished painting my place, but I had 3 cans of paint left over?

He said "That's odd? ... So did I!"


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16667 on: February 18, 2020, 09:13:23 PM »
Was too hot to wear one, Paul  :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16668 on: February 19, 2020, 05:41:03 AM »
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.

I use shampoo in the shower, and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.

Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.

I got rid of the shampoo and started using dish washing liquid instead.
Its label reads "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16669 on: February 19, 2020, 06:10:44 AM »
The beauty industry product blurb:

For Women: We've specially formulated this Moisturiser for your left elbow.

For Men: This product can be used as a shampoo, body wash, mouth wash, tooth paste, window cleaner, insect repellent, engine degreaser, indoor plant fertiliser, sunscreen, or BBQ sauce.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16670 on: February 19, 2020, 09:28:18 AM »

Student protest.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class, so he bided his time.
Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "The next plane to Paris doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16671 on: February 19, 2020, 09:39:00 AM »
"Basketball players are all idiots!" said the blonde.

"Why do they keep trying to throw the ball into the basket?" she asks.

"it's obvious there's a hole in the bottom!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16672 on: February 19, 2020, 09:44:18 AM »
Good point!  :thumb

Hey! I used to be blonde once... :grin


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16673 on: February 19, 2020, 09:57:02 AM »
A charity worker stopped me in the street, and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon?

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids, and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, damn it, I might win this?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16674 on: February 19, 2020, 10:00:14 AM »
I found $20 on the street on my way home.

As a good christian I thought “What would Jesus do?…"

… so I turned it into wine.
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