Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060161 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16000 on:** January 10, 2020, 08:37:12 PM »

Only because I live here... Maybe if Portland was transported to another location it would help?

Was two / three times heavier around Melbourne today.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16001 on:** January 10, 2020, 08:54:17 PM »

Bad Date ...

Raquel rang her friend Sarah...

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad?"

"Yes, can do.”

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy.
Sure enough, after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch.

Another ten more long minutes passed, then her phone finally buzzed.
Raquel listened a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Mother is terribly sick, and I must go home right now.”

“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “In five more minutes, my dog was going to get hit by a car!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16002 on:** January 10, 2020, 09:00:03 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16003 on:** January 11, 2020, 02:10:27 PM »

Yoda is an International Cricket fan ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16004 on:** January 12, 2020, 11:47:05 AM »

Viagra is classified as a gateway drug, because it leads to harder things.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16005 on:** January 12, 2020, 07:15:32 PM »

Today I had to instruct a friend on how to use a hammer, without hitting his fingers.

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Bodø · « **Reply #16006 on:** January 12, 2020, 07:25:40 PM »

Can't touch this.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16007 on:** January 12, 2020, 08:57:11 PM »

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.
“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics, and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“Things aren’t that great here either,” replied the Syrian student.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16008 on:** January 12, 2020, 09:18:32 PM »

Two lawyers went to an expensive restaurant and ordered coffee.
They then took out sandwiches from their briefcases, and began to eat...

Waitress: "Sorry Sirs !!! But you cannot eat your OWN food here... Its against the rules!"

The lawyers quietly looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16009 on:** January 12, 2020, 09:42:00 PM »

I asked an exchange student where he was from.

I dunno why, but for some damn reason he just kept saying "You're a guy"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16010 on:** January 12, 2020, 11:07:04 PM »

How the government works...

The PM wanted to go fishing, and he asked the weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The parliament meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the PM and his wife went fishing.
On the way he met a man with a fishing rod riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Prime Minister, you should return to Parliament House! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The PM replied: "I hold the parliament meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the PM continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The PM and his wife were totally soaked.
Furious, they returned to Parliament House and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Sorry, but I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the PM hired the donkey.

... And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this day.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16011 on:** January 13, 2020, 03:09:32 AM »

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock, similar to Big Ben, in the leaning tower of Pisa.

Just so they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16012 on:** January 13, 2020, 03:19:20 AM »

What do you call someone who blocks people from the internet?

The Chinese Government

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16013 on:** January 13, 2020, 03:27:52 AM »

The only difference between parliament and a roomful of 7-year old kids, is that the kids would be better behaved.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16014 on:** January 13, 2020, 05:16:05 AM »

A Sailor is back from deployment and comes into the bar all moody and pissed off.
He orders a double whiskey at the bar. Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he’s got, until the bartender says …

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about? All the other guys in here have nothing but compliments about your wife!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16015 on:** January 13, 2020, 08:40:27 AM »

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ...

... I remind myself, you can't always trust Google Maps.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16016 on:** January 13, 2020, 12:01:53 PM »

Just 11 seconds of my twisted mind....

https://youtu.be/HaDcSmLhmZo

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16017 on:** January 13, 2020, 12:35:50 PM »

Great NZ holiday destination, click image to zoom in. (BYO paddle)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16018 on:** January 13, 2020, 08:16:07 PM »

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.
Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

Shillas · « **Reply #16019 on:** January 13, 2020, 08:42:08 PM »

My doctor advised me to stop drinking.

It's going to be a big change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 25 years.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #16020 on:** January 13, 2020, 10:03:20 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on January 13, 2020, 12:35:50 PM

Great NZ holiday destination, click image to zoom in. (BYO paddle)

Been there, done that, Kev!

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #16021 on:** January 13, 2020, 10:11:32 PM »

Another nice place to visit in NZ...

Yes, I went there, but didn't have any luck...

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #16022 on:** January 13, 2020, 10:13:23 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on January 13, 2020, 12:01:53 PM

Just 11 seconds of my twisted mind....

https://youtu.be/HaDcSmLhmZo

I worry about you, Kev!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16023 on:** January 13, 2020, 10:35:44 PM »

Saw Van Gogh in a Pub.

I said can I buy you a beer?

He replied no I got one Ear mate.

***************************

What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?

***************************

Van Gogh started painting at 27, but had to give it up 10 years later...

...apparently his glasses kept falling off.

***************************

A bloke said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear"

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

***************************

Must have been fun to be Vincent Van Gogh.

When his wife was bitching, he only got an earful.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16024 on:** January 13, 2020, 10:47:04 PM »

The salt packet label says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed
The label says the expiry date is June 2020.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060161 times)

Bodø