Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2925175 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16050 on: January 16, 2020, 06:14:17 AM »
An Apple store was robbed last night and $12,000 worth of electronic equipment was stolen.

However, Police are confident they can recover all three phones.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16051 on: January 16, 2020, 06:19:53 AM »
A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...
The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so Boris goes to America and he spends the first months in the army checking everything he can.
He checks the vehicles, weapons, clothes, helmets, and anything which could tip the scale in favour of the US army.
After the year has passed he goes back to Russia to report his findings.

"Look" he says. "The vehicles are old and lacking, their equipment is poor to say the least, their air force doesn't match ours and they have very poor organisation. However, I have found the secret which makes them so good in the battlefield"

"What is it?!" Demands the minister. "Talk now, the whole Russia is in danger!"

"30 minutes before they enter combat, they eat 200 grams of protein" says Boris.

"Impossible!" barks the minister. "Nobody can eat 12 kilos of potatoes in such short time!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16052 on: January 16, 2020, 06:20:38 AM »
Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment.
A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16053 on: January 16, 2020, 06:24:26 AM »
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pyjamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas?”

“No I didn’t... I put them in your tackle box.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16054 on: January 16, 2020, 06:42:19 AM »
Little Johnny was an idiot...
and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school has had enough, and decided to expel little Johnny. In the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't read, write, add, subtract and he's in high school!"
His mother replied "My son will become something great, yet you refuse to believe in him and help him! You'll see, you'll see."

Many years later, that same teacher was admitted into a hospital due to a rare and potentially fatal heart condition.
There is only one doctor in the whole country that can perform a lifesaving surgery, and he arrives there as soon as possible.

The surgery is a success and the teacher lives on for another day thanks to the incredible work of the doctor.
However a few hours later, she is found dead in her hospital bed with all medical equipment turned off.

An investigation is launched, with the police suspecting malice, but security cameras showed the janitor cleaning the room and tripping on a cable, cutting the power to the life support.

And the janitor? ... Little Johnny.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16055 on: January 16, 2020, 12:21:08 PM »
Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16056 on: January 16, 2020, 01:53:50 PM »
A young rabbi was out for a walk when he came across an older man sitting next to a newly-planted sapling.
Around the man’s neck was a noose, with the other end of the rope tied to one of the tree’s twigs.

The rabbi greeted the man, then said, “May I ask what you’re doing?”

“What does it look like?” answered the man, gruffly, “I’m hanging myself!”

“But it will be years before this tree is strong enough to bear your weight?” argued the rabbi.

The man shrugged, then asked, “What’s the rush?”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16057 on: January 16, 2020, 05:10:23 PM »
An Indian sniper with a laser scope, would have his work cut out in his home country.

So many people with a red dot on their forehead....
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16058 on: January 16, 2020, 06:35:22 PM »
Two Astronauts on the Space Station.

One says to the other "I can't find any milk for my coffee?"

The other replied  "In space, no one can. Here, use cream!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16059 on: January 16, 2020, 08:42:52 PM »
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16060 on: January 16, 2020, 08:44:26 PM »
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick.

I said ‘You must be blind.’

He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there, with a kite tangled in it.’
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16061 on: January 16, 2020, 08:47:24 PM »
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16062 on: January 16, 2020, 08:49:57 PM »
I saw a good looking woman at McDonalds spank her kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16063 on: January 17, 2020, 12:44:19 AM »
Boeing has recently produced some new groundbreaking aircraft.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16064 on: January 17, 2020, 03:48:59 AM »
A woman crashed her car today.

She told the police the man she collided with, was texting on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said that he is allowed do what he likes in his own living room.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16065 on: January 17, 2020, 03:50:56 AM »
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?”

The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16066 on: January 17, 2020, 04:01:31 AM »
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little wrinkled woman sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"

"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."

"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"

"At least two packs a day, since I was a little girl."

"That's incredible! ... May I ask, how old are you?"

"Twenty-three next August".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16067 on: January 17, 2020, 04:07:09 AM »
Be careful on the road this festive season.

A lot of men are drinking to excess ...

and getting their wives to drive.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16068 on: January 17, 2020, 02:20:27 PM »
Hardly Normal is having a spring sale.

But the rest of the bed is still full price.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16069 on: January 17, 2020, 03:58:13 PM »
The Makin Mattresses bird told me he only sells half the mattress and that they should be cheaper.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16070 on: January 17, 2020, 04:37:33 PM »
An elderly gent was awkwardly shuffling along a path with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asked a young fellow sitting on a park bench.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggested the youngster.

"Haven't finished yet!" was the reply.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16071 on: January 17, 2020, 07:22:42 PM »
Two Priests decided to go to Greece on vacation
They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Beatrice!!'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16072 on: January 17, 2020, 07:38:26 PM »

A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion. He is told the horse will impregnate 20-30 fermale horses.

He brings the horse to his farm, but the horse is not doing anything, just sleeping and eating grass all day.

Some time after he meets with an old friend, and explains the story.

The friend replies: "The same happened to me, I bought a horse that was supposed to be an amazing stallion, but he won't do anything.
So I bought him a syrup drug that he is drinking every day, and from that day on he is impregnating 20-30 females a day."

So the lazy horse owner asks: "What's the name of the syrup?"

To which his friend answered: "I don't remember, but it sorta tastes like mint."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16073 on: January 17, 2020, 11:00:01 PM »
I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16074 on: January 17, 2020, 11:57:53 PM »
 :rofl :rofl :crackup
Brock
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