Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2921395 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16075 on: January 18, 2020, 04:21:34 AM »
At my prime I was A Beast.

Today I'm merely Obese.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16076 on: January 18, 2020, 04:34:46 PM »
I just saw my wife walking around wearing her sexiest underwear, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16077 on: January 18, 2020, 06:52:58 PM »
The fairy godmother waved to Cinderella "Have a great night at the ball Cindy, but make sure you are home before midnight, otherwise that tampon I gave you will turn back into a pumpkin!"

3am.. the fairy godmother is still waiting...
Finally Cindy waltzes back home. "Where the hell have you been, Cindy?"
"Oh! I had a great time! .. I met this guy named ... Peter, Peter, something or other..."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16078 on: January 18, 2020, 10:09:52 PM »
It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, as he finishes his measurements.

The flea steps back, slightly disheartened, and the tailor starts measuring the spider.

"Wow, you're legs are laughably short for a spider". He says, as he finishes sizing him up.

The spider steps aside unhappily, and he measures up the rat.

"Your teeth are disgustingly yellow", he tells him as he finishes up the job.

Disgruntled, the three of them walk out of the store, empty handed.

A few months pass and the amount of small jungle creatures coming to the store gets smaller by the day.

"I just don't understand", the tailor says to his shop assistant, "it seems I am no good at this anymore".

The shop assistant replies, "Well, maybe you need to quit critter sizing".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16079 on: January 19, 2020, 02:07:44 AM »
A guy said to a Tailor "I need something for a wedding"

"Traditional or casual?" asked the Tailor.

"Who cares" said the guy "I just need a woman who loves me."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16080 on: January 19, 2020, 02:18:28 AM »
An optimist lost his footing and fell off the top of a tall building
A man on the 18th floor saw it right as it happened.

As the optimist was plunging towards certain death, the man called out “Hows it going?”, to which the optimist replied “So far, so good!”
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16081 on: January 19, 2020, 02:49:27 AM »
He'll be brought down to earth in seconds.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16082 on: January 19, 2020, 04:25:34 AM »
Will be a huge impact on his life...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16083 on: January 19, 2020, 07:47:54 AM »
I tried to grab a handful of fog this morning.





Mist.


 I'll make dew without it.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16084 on: January 19, 2020, 08:16:52 AM »
In English you say it's like trying to get blood out of a stone.

Back home we say it's like trying to bottle fog.

In Korean it's like trying to cut water with a knife.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16085 on: January 19, 2020, 09:02:41 AM »
Just like trying to iron a brick, or nail a fart to a tree.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16086 on: January 19, 2020, 09:09:15 AM »
A study has shown that women are better than men at driving in fog..

Well of course they are. They don't look where they're going, anyway.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16087 on: January 19, 2020, 09:24:05 AM »
I blame bad weather for my failed marriage.

Cloudy relationship, I mist the signs that she was fogging around.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16088 on: January 19, 2020, 09:27:29 AM »
People expect me to know what I will be doing in the next few months.

Like come on guys, I haven't got 2020 vision!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16089 on: January 19, 2020, 09:31:46 AM »
A survey shows that women speak less during February.

Only because it has less days.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16090 on: January 19, 2020, 09:33:57 AM »
Kids are so fat in America because they learn KFC before the rest of the alphabet.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16091 on: January 19, 2020, 01:17:36 PM »
I've been laundering money for ages.

Seriously, this ten cent coin has been in my washer for months
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16092 on: January 19, 2020, 01:32:39 PM »
I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

Now I can look back and laugh.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16093 on: January 19, 2020, 01:34:33 PM »
I've been cycling to work for a month.

I thought I would be there by now.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16094 on: January 19, 2020, 01:40:42 PM »
“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbour Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the author of The 3 Musketeers. If you took night courses you would know this.”

Now this time I got irritated and said, “And do you know who Steve Turner is?”

Mike: “No.”

Me: “He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped taking night courses, you would know this!”
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16095 on: January 19, 2020, 02:14:28 PM »
 :rofl
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16096 on: January 19, 2020, 05:33:37 PM »
A film is to be made about the shootings a couple months ago in the El Paso Walmart

... The Texas Chain Store Massacre
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16097 on: January 19, 2020, 08:01:26 PM »
The manufacturers of Steve Irwin's sunscreen lotion recalled their product.

It didn't protect against harmful rays.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16098 on: January 19, 2020, 08:10:44 PM »
Pretty soon the only way to abort a kid in America, will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16099 on: January 19, 2020, 08:15:24 PM »
"Donald, to make America great again, should we target ignorance or apathy?"

Trump: "Don't know. Don't really care, either."
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