Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Does the Vatican use Papal to buy online goods?

[Kev Murphy]

Son moved out of home and took on an after school job.

His mother asked the nature of his job.

“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... Should have kept it simple, and just told her he works at McDonald’s.

[Kev Murphy]

The evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:


1) Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?


2)Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3) Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No


4)Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5) Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).


6)Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

[Kev Murphy]

When Caityln Jenner spends a lot of money, is it called a financial trans-action?

[Bodø]

Son moved out of home and took on an after school job.

His mother asked the nature of his job.

“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... Should have kept it simple, and just told her he works at McDonald’s.

Hey, I drive a $400'000 vehicle and have an corner office.

[Kev Murphy]

So true, Bodø

[Kev Murphy]

So many depend on your interaction with the Public, timing, your reliability, your sense of direction and dedication to your job (unless there is an RTE) 

Everything that a Politician CAN'T do 

[Kev Murphy]

A police officer is walking down the street one day making his rounds, when he noticed a beautiful blonde woman standing on the sidewalk, crying hysterically.
He runs over to her and says, "What's wrong? Has something terrible happened?"
She replies, "Yes, a stranger just stole the fifty dollars I keep hidden in my panties."
The officer responded, "Did you try to stop him?"
The blonde said, "I didn't know he was after my money!"

[Brock]

Hey, I drive a $400'000 vehicle and have an corner office.

Yeah, Yeah  The right front corner of a bus,,  I will grant that you have a reasonable view, and a niceish seat and aircon.

 

[Kev Murphy]

Disney has 'The Lion King'

The White House has 'The Lying Skunk'

Disney wins, it's way more popular.

[Kev Murphy]

Half of Portland is shut down with police, news crews and emergency services, a body found near the Lighthouse this morning.

[Kev Murphy]

A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.
Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night.
The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming up.

The drunk just about falls into the street right as a nun in a full black habit is walking by.
They're both a little startled and there is an awkward standoff for moment.

Without a word, the drunk punches the nun square in the mouth.
As the nun staggers back, he follows up with a sloppy one- two combo to the chin.
The nun falls to the ground. He staggers over and gives her one final kick to the gut.

He stands over her, points down and proudly says, "See, you ain't so tough, Batman."

[Kev Murphy]

No mention on the news about the body retrieved from the water at Portland today?

[Kev Murphy]

My English friend said that he is on a new non-vegan diet, and has lost about 30 pounds this month, but he is going to buy cheaper cuts of meat next month.

[Kev Murphy]

Some clown just rang me this evening saying that I had won an overseas trip, (from a competition I never entered) and seemed most disappointed when I told him to take the holiday himself, as I have no interest in travelling overseas again.

Who calls at 10.30 pm anyway?

[Kev Murphy]

Moses, Jesus, and some old guy are starting their day of golf at the first tee off.

Moses steps up to the tee, plants his stance, firms up, and smokes a drive that curves right towards a pond.
Moses waves his club in the air, the pond immediately parts, the golf ball bounces in and out of the pond bottom, onto the green, 6 inches from the pin.

Jesus says: "Nice shot."

Jesus steps up to the tee, plants his stance, firms up, and smokes a drive that also curves right towards the pond.
Jesus waves his club in the air, the pond immediately freezes, the ball bounces on the surface across and on to the green, 6 inches from the pin.

Moses says: "Nice shot."

Finally the old man slowly hobbles towards the tee. Plants his feeble stance, lift the driver, and whiffles the top of the ball as it bounces 10 feet away from the tee. All of a sudden, a gopher scurries out of his hole, grabs the ball in his mouth and runs down the fairway.
A circling eagle soars down from the sky, grabs the gopher in its talons, and takes off soaring up the fairway until a bolt of lighting strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gopher, the gopher drops the ball onto the green, and rolls into the hole. A hole in one.

Jesus turns to the old man and says "Dad, are we going to play golf, or stuff around?"

They should have invited Joseph.  He was the only one with golfing attire.

[Kev Murphy]

Unions are pushing for more businesses to open 24/7, and increased wages.


... that is, 24 weeks per year, 7 hours per day.

[Kev Murphy]

Why aren't more men into learning how to pole dance?

We prefer ballroom

[Kev Murphy]

A new immigrant is learning how to date in America.
He meets a nice girl and they go on a date.
At the end of the date, as he’s walking her home he asks her what he can give her as a gift for their second date.
She says that it would be a nice if he gave her flowers, so before the next date he stops at the local flower shop.

At the end of the second date, as he’s walking her home, he asks her what he should give her next date as a gift.
She says it would be nice if he gave her chocolates, so before the next date he stops at the local candy store.

At the end of the third date, as he’s walking her home, she trips and twists her ankle.
She’s in a lot of pain, but he doesn’t show a lot of sympathy.
She says “you know, it would be nice if you gave a shit!”

So before the next date he stopped at the local dog park, and hunted around for one..

[Kev Murphy]

The local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.


He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him into their homes.

[Kev Murphy]

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?


It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

[Kev Murphy]

Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.


Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.


Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.

[Bodø]

Ninjas don't necessarily wear black.

[Kev Murphy]

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said "Way back in '08".

It sounds much better than saying August.