Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

I met a girl in a bar.

“Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.”

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said,

“So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

[Kev Murphy]

I don't know who these people are, but everybody takes the piss out of Uri Nation?

[Kev Murphy]

Another burst of vigorous weather here. After two days and a night of temps in the mid to high twenties, it suddenly dropped to 13 degrees around 4 pm yesterday, with wild growly thunderstorms and rain. Had around 5 mm of rain which lasted til 7pm, and then from 10 pm til now, there has been another 10 mm. Finally moved on and eased down a bit in the past hour. Both cats have now come out from under the bed and informed me that its mealtime. (Like, it's normal to want a meal at 3.30 am?)
Ah, dammit... I might as well have a meal myself, seeing as I am now wide awake.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at.
The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!"

"Well..." says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"

She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"

[Kev Murphy]

I called two girls 'hipsters', and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

[Kev Murphy]

Some 'working' girls filed a harassment complaint against Santa.

They said that he called "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" to them.

[Kev Murphy]

During the allied invasion in Germany WW2, about dozen soldiers stormed into a house, and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined, the two girls pleaded with the soldiers "Do what you want with us... but please spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up, you bimbos.. This is war"

[Kev Murphy]

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same colour for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same colour? ... people will think I don't change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"

[Kev Murphy]

Every book is a colouring book, if you hate librarians enough.

[Kev Murphy]

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

[Kev Murphy]

Hmmm... todays local 'Upwelling Festival' outdoor activities just turned into a downpouring event with insufficient shelter.

[Kev Murphy]

My crazy cat is singing in the rain ... thinks she is a mewsician.
Sitting at the doorway and yowling.
I'd better let her in again 

[NTRebel]

Leave her out there she might turn into a drowned rat

[Kev Murphy]

My in-laws couldn't cope when their dog unexpectedly had 6 puppies, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

[Bloodman]

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued:  "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it:-
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."   

[Bloodman]

>>> An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.
>>> The Maori steals three pastries and puts them in his pockets.
>>> He turns to the Aussie and says,
>>> " Pretty slick eh bro ? The owner didn't even see me."
>>> Unimpressed, the Aussie replies, "Typical dishonest Maori. Mate I'm
>>> gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result."
>>> The Aussie calls the owner of the shop and says, "Mate, I want to
>>> show you a magic trick."
>>> Intrigued, the owner obliges. The Aussie asks him for a pasty, which
>>> he promptly eats, then asks him for another, and he eats that too.
>>> He
>>> asks for a third pastry, which he eats also.
>>> By now, the owner says, " C'mon mate, where's the magic trick ? "
>>> The Aussie replies, pointing to the Maori, " Check his pockets .

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

I hear that cliff edge farmland in New Zulland is at premium prices.

The sheep push back harder.

[Wild Rose]

        

[Kev Murphy]

Moses couldn't adopt a kitten from the animal shelter, because the shelter was a non-prophet organisation.

[Kev Murphy]

A goose's beak is composed of hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and potassium.







HONK

[Kev Murphy]

My neighbours love my drum playing so much, that they threw a brick through my window so they could hear it better.

[Bodø]

My neighbours love my drum playing so much, that they threw a brick through my window so they could hear it better.

You too?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yB6cDIihEpw

[Kev Murphy]

Five years ago I met a gorgeous woman and asked her out for a date.

Yesterday, I asked her if she would marry me.

She said 'NO!' both times.

[Kev Murphy]

“How much for a haircut?”

"Fifteen dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”