Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop.
He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish.
The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

[Kev Murphy]

A clock with a gun burst into a bank, pointed the gun at the teller and yelled, "12:00!"

[Kev Murphy]

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, ...
... but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "After I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

[Kev Murphy]

Guy walks into a store in the US.

He said, "I want a high-powered sniper rifle, a scope, a laser sight, and 2000 rounds of ammunition.
... and I need my anti-psychotics refilled."

The clerks says, "Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! You can't just buy drugs without a prescription!"

[Kev Murphy]

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"
"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."

"That's strange. Farmer Brown had the same problem with his cows two years ago."

"You don't happen to remember what he did about it, do you? I'm desperate here" the farmer asked.

"I do, in fact!" the clerk responded, "He mixed 4.5 ounces of turpentine into every gallon of water he gave them."

"Thanks. I'll give it a try."

Five days later, the farmer comes storming back into the feed store shouting, "I did what you said and my cows are all dead!"

"Now that is strange" the clerk replies"

"And why exactly is that strange?" the farmer demanded to know.

"Because the exact same thing happened with Farmer Brown's cattle!"

[Kev Murphy]

A Guy walks into a gun store
He asks to see the biggest gun they have.

"Well, what are you shooting?" The clerk asked

"Cans"

"What the hell kind of cans are you shooting?"

"All sorts of cans! Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans!"

A Guy walks into a gun store
He asks to see the biggest gun they have.

"Well, what are you shooting?" The clerk asked

"Cans"

"What the hell kind of cans are you shooting?"

"All sorts of cans! Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans!"

Fellow ameri-cans.

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

What's next, the Can-adians?

[Kev Murphy]

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry.
Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!
Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from, I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, maybe she was doing her laundry?"

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "She doesn't wear any."

[Kev Murphy]

A young boy was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog? It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him!”

But the boy was not to be stopped, and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh, what was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle.”

[Kev Murphy]

I have a pile of laundry waiting ...

I call it 'Mount Wash More'

[Kev Murphy]

Three nuns were chatting.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of inappropriate magazines!"

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.

"I threw them in the trash, of course."

"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry, and found a packet of condoms!"

"What did you do?" the first nun asked.

"I poked holes in them."

"Oh, crap," said the third nun.

[Kev Murphy]

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this young woman who was a laundry detergent promoter.
She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.

I was amazed, and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her, and I have strong moral principles and a clean soul.

A very clean soul... almost as clean as your laundry, after being washed with the new AXON liquid detergent, super strong, 
with vanilla or lemon scent in the economy size pack for only $4.99.

[Kev Murphy]

She just asked me, "What was Jesus' full name?"


So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

[Kev Murphy]

Low wage workers play basketball.
Tradesmen go bowling.
Middle managers play softball.
Upper managers play tennis.
CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls get.

(Must be a shitload of people playing marbles in Canberra)

[Kev Murphy]

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint.

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

[Kev Murphy]

My wife hates it when our next door neighbour sunbathes topless in her back yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

[Kev Murphy]

Revolving glass doors that move too fast are a pane in the ass.

[Kev Murphy]

I hate how many funerals are at 9 or 10am

Why can't they be after lunch?

I'm not really a mourning person.

[Kev Murphy]

Jehovah Witness’s Dislike Halloween.

They don’t like random people knocking on their door.

[Kev Murphy]

All drivers who dislike speeding tickets, please raise your right foot...

[Kev Murphy]

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,
and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

[Kev Murphy]

When flat-earth people play basketball they must be like...

"Yo! pass me the frisbee, bro!"

[Kev Murphy]

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.
Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”

“Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”

“O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...”

“No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”

“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...”

“No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”

“...”

“...”

“Goodbye, sir.”

She hangs up the phone.

Alex sits there for like five seconds until he realises he forgot something.

“Oh crap! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”