Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2927088 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16525 on: February 10, 2020, 01:44:51 PM »
Graham was at a fancy diner with a friend Jeff and his wife.

She asked: "So, what do you do for a living?"

He replied: "I'm a private investigator"

Jeff said : "Graham, you're allowed to say 'gynaecologist' "

Graham replied: "People are eating!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16526 on: February 10, 2020, 04:43:16 PM »
Graham replied: "People are eating!"

I don't think you need to be a private investigator to make that observation.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16527 on: February 10, 2020, 06:00:00 PM »
After years in jail, he finally managed to escape.

When he got home his wife said, "They broadcast your escape on TV almost nine hours ago!
Where have you been, and with who?"

So he called the police and turned himself in.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16528 on: February 10, 2020, 06:02:45 PM »
Three Mexicans are in a jail cell.
One Mexican says to another "JHey Ese, what you in forrr?"

The guy replies "Dey dink I rrrobbed a place man, But dey got de wrrrong guy! JHow about you?"

"Daamn Ese that sucks! Well I got into a fight in a barrr. So dey thrrew me in jherrre."

"Oh sorrrrrry, Ese." They both look over to the third guy "Whaat about jou?"

"Oh I was just seating on a beach"

"Dey put you in jail forrr just seating on a beach?"

"Yeah, disa beach, she was keeking ant scrrreaming!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16529 on: February 10, 2020, 09:51:48 PM »
Two TV wine tasters trying to out do each other

Food and drink show on TV doing a wine feature with 2 tasters being given a blind tasting.
Both hate each other, and are desperate to show off and out-do each other

The first taster takes a sip and says "Oh this is clearly French, from the Rhone Valley"

The second cuts across him to say "Well, obviously, it's a Cote Du Rhone, you can taste the Grenache, unmistakable"

"Ah" says the first "it's not just a Cote Du Rhone, its clearly Chateauneuf Du Pape, and if I'm not mistaken it's from Chateau Rayas"

"Of course its obviously from The Rayas Estate" says the second taster in reply "The North facing vineyard, to the eastern side. Quite clearly"

Determined not to be out done by his rival, the first taster takes another sip and slurps it carefully while he thinks of something more to say ... "And Jaques has been peeing on the vines again"

After swallowing his sip and without missing a beat, the second taster says "... and he's back on the brandy, too"
« Last Edit: February 10, 2020, 10:34:58 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16530 on: February 10, 2020, 10:55:34 PM »
Thor goes out for a ride on his mighty war horse.

He rides all morning and afternoon until as the sun sets, he is on the top of the highest mountain overlooking his entire domain.
He stands up on his horse and shouts "I AM THOR!!"

...and as his voice echoes through the valleys, his horse replies:
"That'th becauthe you forgot your thaddle, thilly"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16531 on: February 11, 2020, 01:21:03 AM »
What did North Koreans use to light their homes before candles?


Electricity.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16532 on: February 11, 2020, 01:22:34 AM »
I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it.

Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16533 on: February 11, 2020, 12:25:31 PM »
Two tourists were travelling through Wales, and had gone to the village of
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch on the island of Anglesey.

They stopped for lunch and asked the lady behind the counter, "Could you please pronounce the name of this place for us, and do it very slowly?"

"The lady behind the counter then said "Buuurrrggeer Kiiiiiiiinnnng."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16534 on: February 11, 2020, 12:44:37 PM »
They should've just clicked on this link: https://tinyurl.com/awaad  :grin


        2005 Honda ST1300A
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16535 on: February 11, 2020, 12:48:51 PM »
They should've just clicked on this link: https://tinyurl.com/awaad  :grin

Do you want fries with that?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16536 on: February 11, 2020, 05:32:39 PM »
In America, they call their inbred 'hillbillies.'

In Europe, they call them 'Royals.'  :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16537 on: February 11, 2020, 05:48:39 PM »
An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Russian are debating who has the best women.

The Englishman says, "English women are the best. When they sit on a horse their feet can touch the ground. It's not because our horses are short, but because English women have the longest legs in all of Europe!"

The Frenchman replies, "That's nothing. When you put your hands around a Frenchwoman's waist, your thumbs and fingers touch. It's not because Frenchmen have long fingers, but because Frenchwomen have the smallest waists in all of Europe!"

The Russian, taking a sip from his vodka, looks up and says, "You both are wrong. Russian women are the best!
When I leave for work in the morning I smack my wife's behind, and when I return home it is still jiggling.
It's not because Russian women have big asses, but because Russian men have the shortest working day in all of Europe."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16538 on: February 11, 2020, 08:55:32 PM »
Is the patron saint of security cameras St Francis of CCTV?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16539 on: February 12, 2020, 01:31:37 AM »
The best item to carry to prevent Bigfoot attacks seems to be a camera.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16540 on: February 12, 2020, 01:43:06 AM »
Her: "What's my star sign again?"

Me: *struggling to remember* "What's the part of newspapers, where they talk about dead people?"

Her: "Obituaries?"

Me: *that's the one!... Oh, bitch!*... "You ARIES"

Her: "How did you remember?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16541 on: February 12, 2020, 03:45:24 AM »
The best item to carry to prevent Bigfoot attacks seems to be a camera.


Footballnews forum, 2009

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16542 on: February 12, 2020, 05:59:34 AM »
That's not an attack, the Goalie is defensive. :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16543 on: February 12, 2020, 05:59:54 AM »
Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart.

Address: 10 Downing Street
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16544 on: February 12, 2020, 10:49:55 AM »
2 labourers at work talking about their previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just five mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable?" replied the second

"It was alright" said the first,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant, anyway."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16545 on: February 12, 2020, 12:33:09 PM »
A young man woke up in a hospital after a traffic accident.

He sees an older gentleman standing by his bed, who asked him "How tall are you, son?"

The man replied "I'm five foot ten, doctor"

The older man, looking confused, said "Oh, I'm not a doctor, I'm a carpenter!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16546 on: February 12, 2020, 03:58:18 PM »
After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in London, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence, and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16547 on: February 12, 2020, 06:15:54 PM »
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

... Now place it firmly over your mouth.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16548 on: February 12, 2020, 06:19:29 PM »
On the first day of school, a Little Johnny handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, "The language and opinions expressed by this child, are not necessarily those of his parents."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16549 on: February 12, 2020, 06:26:19 PM »
Astronomers all agree on one fact about Black Holes in the Universe.


They suck.

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